Problems starting conversations

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For a while now I've had problems figuring out what to say at times during conversations. Most of the time I can't seem to figure out how to start a conversation or how exactly to word a question I want to ask someone. This has lead to problems trying to make friends on my own since I end up thinking too much about how I should ask them if they want to hang out or whatever and end up avoiding asking so I don't have to deal with figuring out the wording. It can also make it hard to ask people about themselves or keep a conversation going by giving an open response to let the other person say something else, which usually makes the conversation end with awkward silence before someone walks away

I have read posts and watched videos on conversation starters and how to keep a conversation going but feel like I panic in the moment and forget everything in them.

Ok first thing you do before kicking off a conversation is read the room.
a) whom are you trying to initiate conversation?
b) why?
c) how receptive do they look?
d) based on a-c, pick a line that will be most likely to:

i) put them at ease
ii) show them your intentions
iii) have the highest likelihood of producing reciprocation.

Some of the best conversations I've had are with people (mostly female) who I instantly knew I would never see again in my life. Infact there was some mutual understanding our moment together was just temporary.

Sometimes females who sense I am getting too invested in a conversation throw in something that communicates boundaries. Some are quite good while others a bit too obvious. whatever the message I take it in good cheer, "you know my boyfriend"

I have a male neighbour who has long conversations but always finishes with let's catch up for coffee. He must have not checked his calendar as it's been 10 years and still no coffee

what can I say...muggles

Last edited by Cornflake on 20 Nov 2025, 6:07 am, edited 1 time in total.: Removed some sexist commentary

This is where I feel that I struggle the most. I have a hard time reading body language and figuring out the meaning behind people's facial expressions or tone they speak in. This usually makes it hard to tell if they are engaged in what I'm saying or bored out of their mind.
There's one girl in particular that I like to talk with occasionally at work but she is a little shy and can sometimes give short responses to the things I say, will sometimes get distracted by another person saying something, or will have a generic (or some other unrelated) facial expression which I've believed sometimes to be a sign she wasn't fully interested in what I was saying, only for her to later bring it up again in future conversations. This is one particular example but hopefully it helps everyone understand my thinking behind this and why it is so hard for me to process sometimes.


I will also have a hard time with this sometimes since I can know what I'm trying to say in my head, but actually saying it out loud for someone else to understand the same way can be difficult. There have been several times where I try to say it and it comes out completely wrong from what I meant and has lead to some bad reactions, some of which weren't easily fixed by further trying to explain what I meant

Last edited by Cornflake on 20 Nov 2025, 6:10 am, edited 1 time in total.: Fixed quoting

This is really hard for me too. At least if I don't know the person. If I don't know a person, I have literally no reason to talk to them so it makes it hard.

For me it's easier in some ways to talk to strangers since I have to for work but also since I wont see most of them again so I wont have to worry as much if I mess something up.

For the people I know, I can struggle with certain things (like I explained in previous replies) but it can also be easier as well since I feel more comfortable talking about myself

My problem is that if I don't know someone, I genuinely don't care about certain things. A common thing people suggest is to ask them about their work. If I don't know this person at all, I honestly don't care where they work. Why would I ask a question regarding a subject I don't care about or have no interest in? Odds are, I'll never talk to this person again, so I've wasted my time/energy in getting a useless piece of information. Same goes for topics such as their family. If I don't know this person at all, I'm definitely not interested in learning about their family yet. However, it's a friend or something, I care about their family and will actively ask about their family when I talk to them.

the vast majority of people we have conversations with, there's an immediate mutual understanding our interaction is going to be transient. Remember humans are biologically programmed to be social animals and our interactions reinforce a sense of community. But we now live in cities of millions not a village of 30 people. that doesn't stop interacting with people you run into in a shopping centre or train.

Fair enough, all I can suggest is pay attention and practice. A lot of us learn through observation and picking up cues. People on the spectrum are really good at coding, so I would say codify cues in facial expression and body language, look for signs of interest vs boredom.

Fair enough, my daughter also tends to do this too. For me I often have a burning compulsion to say something I know runs the risk of being misconstrued. I have become more patient and less prone to seeking emotional reward and spend more time curating conversation based on my audience. Yes, authenticity (being authentic) is crap advice, we are all in the acting school of life and I'm afraid neurotypicals are masters (from a young age) of acting, putting on a front and saying what they think will work for them in the moment or down the track.

Yeah, I understand that. For some reason, my brain is just super opposed to doing that. It's not that I'm shy or afraid or anything like that, but rather, I feel morally opposed to having to do that. I sometimes wonder if, in addition to autism, I have some other kind of personality disorder as well.

Fair enough, putting aside intrinsic barriers (like autism) approaching other humans does seem harder than it used to be. Nowadays people are listening to music, scrolling on their phone and in a teleconference all at the same time while walking.

I 100% feel the same way. I feel morally dirty *pretending* I care, when I don't. I've met so many people I deeply want to have nothing to do with, who do exactly this said pretending. I feel aversive to acting like them.

You have a great attitude to learning this

improv acting could help you with this.

I get what you're saying and can often feel the same way. I may have no interest in the others person's life but for me at least, I am slightly forced to try having conversations while at work which has acted like a way for me to practice keeping the conversation going. I still struggle with it and have plenty to work on but I feel that I have made some progress which I can then use to have conversations with people I do actually care about

To me, walking up to a stranger at an event and asking them about their job is no different than walking to a random house on my street, ringing the doorbell and when it's answered, asking them where they work. Why is it appropriate to do one and not the other? I don't want to do either one, but the point is the same.