Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Do autistics tend to get in relationships with narcissists?

Page 2 of 2 [ 18 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Previous topic | Next topic

Jayo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jan 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,309

26 Dec 2025, 11:18 am

I too think the "loser" label for us is unfair. I think it's more objectively applicable to someone who HAS intuitive and intact socio-emotional faculties, but they CHOOSE to be lazy, irresponsible, rude, etc. - those sorts of people really piss me off because they HAVE such inborn faculties but squander them, they don't know what they've got, is the mindset that I've got of such people :evil:

Earlier in my 20s, I had a series of very short-term relationships (both pre- and post-diagnosis), and they didn't call me a loser BUT one did say that some of her friends said she was dating a loser - even though I had a good IT/CS job (right in my element), worked out and wore nice clothes, had a small circle of friends, and supportive parents. I never had any drug, alcohol, gambling or other addiction, and had a strong work ethic, so I didn't fit the "traditional" loser profile. In fact, I told that one former gf that my outward demeanour isn't due to lack of trying, or lack of concern, or character flaws, or even lack of self-confidence... and she agreed 100%, but just said something along the lines of me being one of those book-smart people who lacked street smarts, which is why we weren't compatible in her view (funny thing is, if I tried to change that balance of smarts, I had one former short-term gf call me out for "trying to hard"). sigh!

OK, pardon the tangent or digression, as none of those were narcissists :P :)



MaxE
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Sep 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,648
Location: Mid-Atlantic US

01 Jan 2026, 8:49 am

I prompted Google's AI with this description of a relationship I was in, which I believe to be a good summary of the experience:

Quote:
personality disorder where a woman uses a man for sex and treats him like a possession and expects emotional support from him but shows no concern for his feelings, because the sex makes him obligated


And got this response (relevant bits):

Quote:
The behaviors mentioned—using a person for sex, treating them like a possession, expecting support without reciprocation, and an expectation of obligation—are likely a combination of traits that might be present in Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or potentially Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), though these disorders manifest differently and the described sex-for-obligation aspect is not a core diagnostic criterion for either.

Potential Relevant Personality Traits and Disorders

The behaviors you described are most consistent with the following traits, which may be part of a diagnosed disorder or simply behavioral patterns:

  • Lack of Empathy: A central feature in Narcissistic Personality Disorder, this involves a pervasive pattern of disregard for and inability to recognize the feelings and needs of others.

  • Exploitative Relationships: Individuals with NPD may use others to achieve their own ends (e.g., sex, emotional support, validation) and often expect special favors without reciprocating.

  • Sense of Entitlement: A belief that one is inherently special and deserves preferential treatment, leading to an expectation that others should meet their needs regardless of the impact on the other person.

  • Objectification: Treating a partner as an object or possession rather than a human being with their own feelings and autonomy. This is a common form of manipulation and control, not a specific disorder itself.


However I should add that this person actually had very low self-esteem and I wouldn't describe her as entitled, except with regard to a male sex partner. But I guess this may have been an example of being in a relationship with a narcissist. I should probably blame myself, because I was looking for anyone available to "date" me, and if that person offered sex then I would take it, without further consideration of the circumstances.

Nevertheless, I really feel sorry for this person and I have reason to think she didn't have a great life, the problem is to what extent I should feel guilty about it.

BTW I also had a relationship with somebody who had what I would consider a "classic" case of BPD but I don't really feel bad about that situation.


_________________
My WP story