Texting

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Does anyone else have the issue of texting people too much, especially when they don’t answer back right away, and you’re afraid you did something to offend them or make them upset or mad? How do you overcome this fear especially with agoraphobia and social anxiety as well as ocd (which could be part of the texting too much) and I was diagnosed with from all the teasing and bullying I endured from other students from elementary school to high school. Any tips, tricks or recommendations for it?

Hi christinejarvis21,

severe OCD sufferer here. I can't promise I can fix this, but I'll (foolishly?) try.

I don't have a 'phone at all. No smartphone, no mobile (oh, cell, you call it ), no landline. So, I do not text!

Instead, I do post here and on a few chatrooms, and I do worry about unfavourable responses crushing me.

I too worry about if I offend people (though I rarely get a chance to engage in proper face-to-face conversation anymore), because I was told long ago I can be too intense at the spergsplaining thing.

I think these fears of ours come from "low self-esteem", as the "pros" call it. I got bullied at school and teased at work too. It made me feel worthless. So, I guess we hanker after validation. This splits into two aspects: time to respond, and degree of appreciation.

So, time to respond seems to be your main issue? To counter that, you'll need a bit of mindfulness. You just have to admit to yourself that a lack of instant response can be due to various things, not offence.

I myself simply post posts, and wait until the next day to see what happened.

Your desire for insta-reply seems to be akin to one person on an OCD forum who perpetually texted her daughter whenever out for the night: "Are you OK?", "Are you OK?", fearing that when she hadn't answered within a minute, she had been in a horrible accident, or kidnapped, or killed.

In your case, the question is I guess: "Do you like me?"

You can't force this, because to force this is to drive people away, and you might make them hate you anyway. (And if they don't like you anyway, why bother with them?)

So, to keep in favour with those you like and who like you, how to "be reasonable"?

Maybe you can't bear to leave the reply to the next day, so I guess you might try an exercise of waiting a little longer than last time.

How long do you wait? A minute? Double that. Then try five minutes, then ten, then twenty. Half and hour, an hour, two, ... eventually overnight.

Actually, when the other side texts you "Are you there?" you've arrived at the right waiting time, I guess!

During these increasing waits, find something important or interesting to do. Don't allow boredom to let irritation set in. Apply mindfulness, be in the task you are doing. If you feel tempted to check, remember you are going to wait it out, and return to your task.

If you fail, do not despair. It's like giving up smoking. Just plan to resume trying again when you feel comfortable doing so.

I think I've driven away a few potential romances by text saturation.
I am now acutely aware of this and deliberately moderate my messaging.
It's difficult because when you suddenly feel 16 again you get a teenagers timesense to boot.

I've had that problem of texting/messaging my girlfriends a lot & expecting them to quickly reply & getting upset when they wouldn't. I only had that problem with my girlfriends though & not with anyone else like online friends & such. The three girlfriends I've had were the only people I ever felt very close to & connected with. My first two relationships were mostly long distance & they had busier lives than me since they were going to school & I was unemployed & looking for work. I also had bad anxiety & OCD.

My first girlfriend had some issues & had gotten into some trouble with her ex while we were a couple & I had problems trusting her afterwards. I started thinking bad things were going on when I wouldn't hear from her & it triggered panic attacks.

My second relationship was not very realistic long term for various reasons. I had been single without so much as a single date during the eight year stretch between those relationships so I was very desperate to force it to work. The relationship was kind of one-sided for various reasons & I took it out on her. At the time I realized my anxiety & OCD were factors. I researched psych meds a bit & got on one to treat the anxiety & panic attacks & another med to help with the intrusive thoughts & obsessing. The meds helped some but it was too little too late & she broke up with me.

Shortly after that I got in my current relationship. We've had lots of various problems during these14 years but things have been a lot more manageable. Being on the anxiety & OCD meds helps me a lot. It also helps that Cass is clingy & needy with romantic partners like me & she doesn't have much of a life so she's a lot moe on my level. It also majorly helped that we were able to move in together & while we were long distance we were able to visit each other more often despite living a lot further away than my two exes did.