Does He or Doesn't He? I'm a Confused Girlfriend.

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I have been thinking about your issues a lot and I have tried to condense all my thoughts into a single post. I am a sure I will fail in some way, but the stakes are high and it is worth a try! A lot of this stuff has an element of "I wish I knew that when..." or "if only they understood...". Basically these are things I wished were different.

Before we get in deep understand that whatever you do will require heaping doses of
1. time
2. patience
3. creativity
4. compassion and understanding
Relationships are always work. While it might seem like AS is a 'problem', the reality is that he is just another person with some traits that most people are not used to or perhaps it is more accurate to say that world is LESS accomedating to AS people (or those like him) than it is most people. With that the case, your relationship should be about working towards something unique (well everyone's should) and that your path will be unique. This should both work to free your mind from over obsessive benchmarking, but also help you appreciate some of your BFs special qualities.

I want to start with some vague thoughts about men and emotions. First, men whether they are NT or have AS or whatever are probably less used to exercising their emotional muscles. This isn't to say that they don't have emotions, only that they exist in an under-developed state and that many men's instincts are simply to protect them and not go there AT ALL. This
often means women don't understand male sensitives as well as they could. My analogy for this, which I admit is a bit crude, is that women are often as good at understanding men's emotions today as men were at finding the clit 100 years ago...it just isn't much on the radar.

Consider that he may be hyper-emotional, not hypo-emotional. While it might seem that he doesn't have emotions often, it might actually be just that he has trouble expressing the emotions. Think of this: if the response is so profound, might typically vocabulary fail you? Again consider that at heart he is over-emotional. I don't want to make a crutch of my
female sexuality analogy, but I think it would be helpful here. I doubt what happens in social contexts shows the truth about male and female sexuality. While men have a history of talking more about sex in mixed contexts (maybe this is changing?), I think in the bedroom women have a more varied and intense response. I almost think you could switch men and
women and sex and emotions there and have a reasonable sentence.

Consider that AS people tend to have an obsessive interest or two. If you think your BF does have an interest like this, I would really recommend you work to get him talking about it. Chances are, this is an area where he can be highly engaged without much of the tension involved in more nuanced situations. It might seem a bit odd to you at first, but when you find
this interest, be it math or cars or computers or maybe something like stocking styles(!), he is likely to be loquacious and probably a bit excited to share it with you. Do not make him feel like a freak if he does this. Because by accepting and hopefully appreciating him at this time, you are earning trust and developing a kind of closeness. I do understand that this is likely to be a bit taxing for you, but dial in your own comfort level and see how he reacts. Do not be surprised if he drops his current interest at some point and picks up a new one. This is common behaviour and in my opinion offers another chance at closeness. My past interests make me laugh! To remember that I cared so much about something is funny and since it
is in the past, I have had a chance to figure out the emotional implications, since it is not so immediate.

I would also be strategic about how I talked about my own emotional issues with him. Think of this as something like leading at dancing. If you can be open and mildy self-critical, it will be easier to follow. One thing many AS people feel is an all pervading sense of difference. We don't always know what others expect and so at some point we give up. So if you want to hear about his fears, maybe you want to carefully share elements of your own with him. This also makes you more richly human is his eyes and less threatening. One thing I would caution, don't assume he will always understand where you are coming from. This is another area where you don't want to get into a quid pro quo mindset. Some attempts will fall flat.

Which brings me to communication. This is one area where creativity really can be helpful. Do not assume that because you understand your needs and your words that he will. AS people are often used to being uniquely good at some things while being bad at others. He might not understand your current communication style. So like others said, maybe you want to try
email? maybe more talk on the phone? maybe you need to be more particular? maybe you need brief communications because too much at once just confuses him? (in the midst of this novel, I should tell you that I got along much better with one AS woman when I figured out texting was about right for her, she couldn't hack my long, rambling emails!) No clear answers here, but the idea is to experiment and see if you can improve your 2-way information flow.

Understand that there are physical aspects to his difficulties. While it might seem like he avoids emotional issues, it might actually be that he is overwhelmed by emotional and sensory issues and has to keep it simple. Please read that earlier sentence over again. I for one avoid emotional issues and closeness when I have been overwhelmed by work stress, sensory
stress (noise, lack of exercise, a few other things like that), and the stress of socializing. Basically a very common AS trait is to have intense neorological reactions to things that make us want to shut down. Starting to understand this more completely is, I think, one of the big keys to improving things.

With the above paragraph in mind. I would strongly advise not trying to "break new ground" on emotional issues when he is at all overwhelmed by the world. This again corresponds to some advice you are given as a guy. There is a 'nice guy' temptation to try to approach women in times of distress thinking that they will appreciate your 'support'. The truth is that they are in no mood to be romanced then and the guy is almost always wasting his time. If you want to connect with people and break new ground in a relationship, it is just likely to be easier to do so when the other party is feeling good about themselves. This is not to say that hardship can't bring people toghether, just that the interaction itself will likely be higher quality if the other party feels good about themselves at that time. Here are some examples of times you might you want to be mindful of: nights after a big day at work, anything after a big wedding, anything after a night out with your girlfriends, after something truly novel. This is not to say you definitely won't have good conversations at these times. It is just that I think you need to be extra careful about when you bring things up and when you try to "break new ground" by taking about certain things. Perhaps you could watch him to see when he really shuts down and learn to just give him that space. If your girlfriends have been talking about the thread count of sheets (a strange obsession with females of my generation) and he has been working to be polite, I would think he might be exhausted by the end of the night.

Kind of related to this idea of holding back from heavy stuff when the challenges of life put lots of 'noise' in his head, is the idea of really making time. Now, I think we both know that putting stuff on the calendar like "for these two hours we will talk about our relationship" won't help. What might help though is having two hours where the cares of the world are pushed far enough away that he won't feel overwhelmed by stimuli. The extreme variation on this is for you guys to take a vacation. And I don't mean to visit friends!

Consider that he might interpret your actions differently than you expect. I find that in addition to the actual information words convey or the actual impact of actions I feel a blunt force. In other words, when I am overwhelmed by stimuli I will just see warmth or hostility. The ability to see nuance is a casualty of being overstimulated. This means that confrontation when he has say, had a rough day at work with his boss, might not be productive. If I am confronted on a day like that, I often simply can't see that the my partner just wants to discuss something in a respectful manner. I might just see that she is unhappy about something and since I seem to be making everyone else (my boss?) unhappy than she is like them or I AM a trouble maker. Neither are pleasant thoughts.

Realize that some of the things he does that upset you probably upset him too. This sounds odd, but there is a good chance he just doesn't know a way out and is trapped in a cycle. I know this doesn't solve your problems, but it might help you keep them from getting larger. In other words, keep an eye out for when to back off, even if you really want to press
something, it can be counter-productive. When stimuli get overwhelming and/or things are novel, many AS people will try to revert to familiar routines. Yes, everyone has this to a degree, but assuming it is more present in AS people (and probably your BF) is likely to make empathy and communication easier. In your example, the overuse of the computer/PDA is likely a case of this. He probably knows he should use it less, but it will be hard to stop by a direct intervention.

Try to make his life easier. When you mentioned his issues/possible meltdowns around time problems, one thing immediately came to mind. Married men my age (30s to 40s) are told that if they want to have sex with their wives more often they ought to...do the dishes! and clean the house! and take care of the kids! and fix the sink! Basically, if you can make your partners life easier by doing practical tasks, the seemingly boring part of the relationship, you can indulge yourself more in other parts of the relationship. Just don't be sure this is quid pro quo 1-1 trade. You are planting seeds and creating a more positive envirnoment, not negotiating a deal. And keep in mind their is a sensible limit to "making his life easier".

As much you can help by doing extra, you can help by thinking about how you guys do things such that it is less of a burden. As a particular example of doing practical stuff to give him more 'space', consider figuring out ways of making more time.

If you spend a lot of time fixing food, perhaps making a soup or stew for the week on Sunday and reheating during the week will free up time. Maybe you need to move closure to work or friends, even if it means higher rent or a smaller place. Maybe some activities aren't worth the trouble. If you aren't yet cohabitating, maybe if you really want closeness, forgetabout going out, just cooking in for him and have some quiet time together. Than rewind that tape in the morning! Hopefully you will get more time together and will squeeze the rest of his schedule less.

One kind of random thought: I alcohol is mostly just numbing. I know this is questionable legally, but I often marijuana to be more soothing to my frayed nerves. With a little bit of marijuana, I can be more child-like and better tap my emotions. For an example of how this works in a more extreme situation read this account of a Brown University professor's medicating of her young son: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style ... 14756.html


I know this all seems like focusing on little stuff. I doubt there is a magic bullet, but I believe that as you learn more about how to deal with his issues, including things he might not be good at dealing with himself, there should be some improvement. With improvement, you can reasses how invested you are in him and the relationship.

I may be a little bit late to this thread, but figured I'd give it a go...

The "friends" thing varies greatly with everyone. There is a horrible assumption out there that people with AS cannot have more than one or two friends, if that. I'd say I have about 25 close friends who could describe me very well. (None of them know about my diagnosis though--I keep that private except for doctors who need to know). I also have a ton of "not so close" friends--people I know but don't know well. These are the folks who could tell you my name, what I'm majoring in/will be doing in the fall, what city I live in, and probably something along the lines of "he likes baseball" or "he drives a Volvo" but wouldn't know, say, my political preferences, how long I've worked my current job, exactly what I did last summer, where I often go on vacation, etc, let alone have any personal memories or stories they could share about me.

The big question here is what type of friends he is including in his total. He may very well have a ton of close friends. He may also have all "not so close" friends. There is also a chance he has "one-sided" friendships. The key to this is to see who is the one making the invites.

I know a girl with AS who fits the above description. She invites everyone (myself included) to lunch all the time but does not initiate conversation and is very awkward to be with. Being familiar with AS I don't hold this against her but I will say that I've turned her down many times. The only really close friends she seems to have are in her immediate family and also her on-again-off-again boyfriend (who I believe also has AS).

Next, let's talk about obsessions/passions/compulsions/extreme interests. We'll assume this guy is obsessed with the Civil War. If you are serious about the relationship, you may want to read up on the Civil War yourself (Wikipedia is good for this sort of stuff) and may want to take him to a Civil War-related event or place (such as a battlefield) to see how he responds. However, if he is like many AS guys, you'd better be prepared for a three hour speech on Ulysses S. Grant or Robert E. Lee (or both)! He may even dig deeper into the war and be able to give a thorough analysis about every minute of Gettysburg or Antietam, or what kind of politician Jefferson Davis was!

This could be a true test of your tolerance. If you still love him after he goes on for hours on end about the Civil War, think about adapting your own life. Since I'm assuming you're an NT, this shouldn't be a huge problem for you (it would be for the guy with AS--we'll get to that).

Obsessions often result in collections. Changing gears a bit, let's assume he's into old TVs. A lot of people probably have an old TV or two hanging around their house (I admittedly have an old B&W in my attic), but someone with AS may go out and find a bunch of old TVs, buy/sell/trade parts for them online, help other people repair them, and line the entire basement with old TVs, some of which may not even work. He may have a Magnavox from every year in the 1960s or the complete line of Sonys from the year he was born. You're probably not into old TVs, and even if you did like them, chances are you'd only have one or two that you restored (sort of like people who are into old cars). Speaking of which, old cars can really be a problem if someone's into them (I have seen a house with five identical Toyota Camrys, all from about 1990, parked outside--I'm willing to bet the guy who lives there has AS and has both a passion for the cars and doesn't want to change what he drives; he probably has only driven 1990 Camrys).

Which reminds me--CHANGE (and not the type you get when you pay with a $20 bill). Many people with AS do not fare well with change. This could be something as trivial as moving PE class from 9:30AM to 2:00PM on a school schedule or something as big as moving from New York to New Delhi. It could also deal with not wanting to move on from something because of comfort level (for example, the 1990 Camry mentioned above). Change has to be as planned, explained, and minimal as possible.

Let's use the Camry example further. Suppose someone has only one 1990 Camry, which he has driven since 1990. Someone runs into it on the freeway. Since 20 year old cars are more likely to be found in the junkyard than the used car lot, he may have to get a new vehicle.

Assuming he has the funds, have him try a 2010 Camry. It's the same make and model and while the Camry has changed a lot in 20 years, focus on similarities. It could be something as trivial as the climate control knob or the sound the engine makes when it starts up. (I'm not a Camry guy so I'm not sure if these are changed or not, but we'll assume they are basically the same). If the 2010 model just won't do, look for an older model on the used car lot. There may not be a 1990, but maybe another year that is similar could be located. I wouldn't recommend getting him, say, a Ford truck (completely different vehicle altogether).

Finally, let's talk about what drives this relationship. It sounds as though you get along and that you both get something out of it (even if he doesn't show/admit it, he does...trust me). If you really love him, you will love him for what he is and will accept his differences and quirks (sort of like how I, as a Volvo owner who loves his car, accept the fact that the check engine light decides to turn on for no reason every now and then and that my car doesn't have an A/C that can stay healthy).

If you can't accept his differences, it's time to move on. It will be painful for both of you, and may bring out the worst in him, but there's no sense of a false sense of love being offered.