Why did you marry?

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I married because I felt I could "protect" my husband better if I were in closer proximity to him. He was the nicest guy I had ever met. He was taken advantage of a lot. As I got to know him through dating him, departures started to become harder and harder. He was lonely just like me. He had NOBODY just like me. I couldn't bear such a person not to be in my life. I HAD to keep him for good so I married him. It's been almost 20 years already. It seems like only two.

Yikes! A bit touchy there. Seems you have some pre-conceived notions on something that has completely changed since the olden-days.


A woman with low self-esteem can't improve that self-esteem just by getting married. She needs to work on that herself.
A woman can be her own person, married or not. I certainly am. My future husband will never "own" me, because we are equals.
A woman who tries to make herself "complete" by marrying someone else will never be complete, and she will surely be disappointed. One is only complete by loving herself.
A needy woman is needy, no matter what. Marriage will not satisfy those needs.
A couple who truly loves each other is bonded no matter what. A couple does not need to be married to "shore up" that bond.
Marriage is, indeed, just a bit of legal technicalities that shouldn't really affect a relationship at all.

Couples whose relationships fail after getting married already had problems to begin with, and would have fallen apart whether they got married or not.

Just like I should not judge your relationship, you should not judge other women or couples who choose to make it official in the eyes of the government.

By the way, I was not saying that the relationship between you and your significant other wasn't a great one. I don't know you or your loved one, so I definitely would not know the greatness of your relationship.

I was only saying that a "great" relationship would not be ruined by signing a few pieces of paper.
( You can't out rolleyes me! )

Well it seems to be working well with me and my boyfriend, he was married before and it ended
badly for him, he also has aspergers, and is a little gun shy when it comes to marriage.
Sorry about the rolling eyes hehe if I see them I have to add some back

I couldn't have said this better myself.

I'm on my third marriage now. I wish this was my first.

We were on the long engagement, but then employment and insurance issues made it sensible for us to accelerate things.

I think the fact of having a relationship can do a lot for self-confidence, and I guess that for somebody who believes in the institution of marriage, that too could count as an important social achievement. But I agree that it won't abolish the low self-esteem on its own, and some partners can end up undermining self-esteem.

I think that to some extent a person's individuality has to be sublimated into the partnership, assuming there's any intention of sharing a life together. Two individuals living completely autonomous lives while under the same roof isn't really a marriage, or even a relationship, in my view, though if that's what people want to do, it's up to them of course. Of course it's usually important for partners to value each other's personal freedom and even to allow them a certain amount of privacy, but ultimately anybody who holds their personal freedom to be paramount is probably not going to make a good partner. That's why splitting up is sometimes referred to as being "set free." You can't have complete freedom and responsibility at the same time.


I agree that a lot of people expect too much of marriage and relationships. During the times when I've been partnerless, although there were some advantages, I never felt quite right. A stable partner (assuming they're any good) will alleviate loneliness to some extent. Of course just having another person around doesn't automatically fix personality defect, and anybody who thinks their problems are over is going to find that they're only just beginning.



I agree, though some people are so steeped in the idea of the sanctity of marriage that they'd probably never feel quite right without it. I think they're wrong, but if they really feel that way then for them it would probably do some good to be married.


I agree.

im sorry but this made me laugh.

i got the image of the stereotypical god (long white beard etc), looking down and going "way to go Tim!"

He used his father's terminal illness to emotionally manipulate me into it. It took me 4 and a half years of manipulation and alcoholic bullying plus the help and support of 2 friends for me to get out of it. I didn't ever really love him so I couldn't say it was that. I have loved before, but I know the emotions that I felt for him were only enabled by strong antidepressants to allow me to deal with all the crap.

I have loved before, I am in love now (though not in what could be called a relationship with the person I am in love with) and I don't think I will marry again unless I am really in love with the person I marry.

I was in love with my wife and I still love her, 20 years on.

However............after reading Tony Attwoods's Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, I acknowledge that I also married for the reason that he gives in his book.

This was a rather humbling revelation and provides me with my daily dose of humility.

My wife and I married because we are both traditionalists who wanted to formalize the commitment of marriage. We certainly didn't do it for tax benefits, since there was actually a significant tax disadvantage at the time (2000).

I'm glad that we did marry, even if it did cause some temporary extra stress. One of the unexpected benefits was that a lot of family on both sides remember how nice our wedding was, which gave us a bit more of a support network than previously.

We weren't ever "in love"; that is, we never had crushes on each other. Rather, we found each other to be good partners for what we wanted out of life. There was a lot of arguing early on, but it was productive: we developed constructive ways of working together and deepened our friendship. We definitely love each other now, even though we're not in love; in our case, love has indeed grown out of a rational relationship.

What reason was that? I always thought Aspies got together for the same reasons as everybody else - a deep (though sometimes unconscious) desire to reproduce, and to provide a stable, caring nest for them to grow up in.........plus the bonus of enjoying the mutual nurturance ourselves.

This is all true but Tony Attwood suggests that Aspies often have an additional need.

AS men commonly seek out a partner who can (help to) look after us; an executive secretary and someone on the opposite end of the empathy and social spectrum.

Being brutally honest with myself, I quite clearly (subconsciously) sought out and found exactly such a woman and for this I will be ever grateful.

I speak for NO ONE other than myself here, but I am clearly a text book married Aspie.

Lordy! In my case I can't imagine anything worse. Too independent-minded I suppose; I'd feel I was being treated like a child unless it was a reciprocal arrangement. I do recall one woman who I was attracted to more powerfully than anybody else ever, and she was said to have a strong maternal aura, though I couldn't see it.....and any nurturing during the relationship was pretty much 50-50. I guess I'm going to be a problem if I'm ever bedridden with an old-age terminal illness. A lot of my self-esteem seems to be locked up in feeling that I'm strong enough not to need any help. Probably too much so.

I probably haven't made myself completely clear.

I can and HAVE lived entirely independently and alone and up until last year I wasn't even aware that I even had AS.

Now that I know and I have the opportunity to look back and look at now I can see that I depend on her more than I realised.

I have my strengths, financial, intellectual, business and logic and I suck at social stuff. She helps me to stay on track and I encourage her in the things that she needs encouragement for.

I'm not sure that our arrangement is much different to a traditional (I'm not a Republican by the way) NT marriage arrangement now that I think of it.

What it is though is OUR arrangement.

How long have you been in your current relationship?

OK, that's more mutual than I thought.

I've had a relationship with my current partner for over 10 years now, though we've only lived together for a fraction of that time. When we did, I found her attempts to look after me felt too invasive, and they seemed to be based on what the average mainstream guy might want, rather than what I wanted - to this day she still keeps trying to get me to wear smarter clothes to work, although I've told her over and over that there's no dress code, and that even if there were, I wouldn't want to pander to it.

Interesting you think that NTs do this.......Susie Orbach used to reckon that men have what she called "masked dependency needs" which their partners catered for, without the guys having to admit to what was going on, so their manly self-images wouldn't be put into question. I always wanted to know more about how that operated, but I couoldn't find out any more about it.

My wife has never once tried to tell me what to wear, although often compliments my choice of attire. As impaired as I am I would find it VERY bizarre if she did but that's just MY relationship with my wife