Do you argue with your spouse?

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My bf and I argue. Arguing does not mean yelling, however. We argue our points when we disagree. He used to yell-- I put an absolute end to that. I won't accept the yelling at each other or insulting each other. You do not have to put up with that in order to be in a relationship.

I hate confrontation. Absolutely hate it. Therefore I very rarely argue with my girlfriend. It possibly isn't the healthiest way of dealing with things as I'm sure a good argument now and then would get some long term issues sorted out.

I think arguing can be a very healthy thing, but depending on the way it's done it can be either a good bonding experience or a source of hurt and resentment. It can be a valuable thing to have your opinions challenged and corrected, but it can also feel like you're being invalidated.

To make it work, I think it's important to try and convey an air of respect via body language, tone of voice, avoiding interrupting the other person too glibly, willingness to genuinely consider their viewpoint, readiness to back off if the other person starts to look upset, and admitting that you don't know for sure whether you're right or wrong. Also, however sensitively it's done, there's probably a limit on how many times a person can reasonably be expected to be contradicted in a given length of time before they start to get cross, and anger can be very infectious.

Not that I'm good at it myself. I've generally found that with spouses we do tend to spill over into getting offensive. I guess the close emotional attachment to each other makes it difficult to stay calm when cherished beliefs are brought into question. I like to think I'm getting better at making these things more benign, but I think it takes two, and my wife can get annoyed very easily. Still, at least I've learned to curb my pathological honesty, whihc I think was the cause of a lot of raised heckles in our early life together. I also have a big problem from my upbringing - my parents didn't know the meaning of benign arguing.....one would say something, the other would scowl and rebuke them for saying such a "stupid" thing, and the whole discussion would rapidly escalate into a bitter fight. They had a lot of unresolved issues and resentments towards each other, and I think those things used to break through at inappropriate times.

Nope because I am not married and never will be. My potential husband would have to be a pushover or else endure my rages.

Very rarely. And we don't yell or anything dramatic like that. However, he can go that direction since his temper can flare. If that happens, then I have to no problem pushing back as hard as necessary. He stops if he realizes that's happened. But really, it's so very rare that we argue.

my SO and i argue a fair amount. we arent married but have been together 12 years and lived together for 11.

you cant simply say you wont be in a relationship where you argue. it doesnt work that way. most couples meet, fall in love, THEN live together, and thats where things really come to a head. when he leaves his dirty underwear lying on the bathroom floor every day. when you leave every single cupboard door wide open after making dinner. when someone does something that drives the other up the wall.

personalities matter also. some people are more mellow, some more passionate, and when you try to put two personalities together, sometimes they dont smoothly match up. that doesnt mean you cant love each other and make a life together. its just some relationships take more work than others. there are times, often, where i wish our relationship was smoother and easier. like when i see those oh-so-perfect couples on the eHarmony commercials. but thats not us, and its ok =)

something interesting over the past 6 weeks is that we have pretty much determined that my SO is on the spectrum. i got suspicious about it while researching autism traits as our son is going through a diagnostic process now, and asked my SO to consider it. after more research, a lot of reminiscing, and a long call to his mother where she confirmed a lot of things we suspected about his childhood, we both believe he is on the spectrum somewhere, probably AS. i think this will really help our relationship a lot, just like getting a diagnosis for your child can help you understand their behavior better, it will help us also in the same way. some of his traits that we now know are classic autistic traits have caused problems between us, and i think with the understanding of why he does these things, it will help me be more tolerant and him be more aware. i self diagnosed as ocpd several years ago, and that helped our relationship a lot as well, allowing me to be aware of when my behavior was crossing the line and making him more tolerant of certain behavioral traits i cant completely control.

over all, thats what relationships are about. learning about each other, learning to work together, making a life. its not just whether or how much you argue, but whether what you have is worth the arguing. we love each other, have kids, and 12 years of history together, so for us the answer is yes, its worth it. each couple has to answer that for themselves.

Arguments happen. However one they are two people are two people and two brains and two viewpoints, and there are disagreements that can be resolved and there are cases of agree to disagree and occasionally there are bickerings or blames or raised voices. It is all in intent and insight - we can be very uncomfortyable for a maximum of about four hours, but we each know who the other is and where from.

By the way - matching interests and personalities may be fine, though I have never experienced it [the closest I THOUGHT I had blew up one day in a huge emotion storm]. At least as good, if I knew the other I might still say better, is a real complementarity. I am pattern and detachment, she is color and empathy, I am caution and she is ambition. Works great, makes up for certain obvious deficiencies each has.