Twisted takes on well-know platitudes

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And never walk in a gift horse's mouth, either.

You can lead a horse to water -- but you'll never be able to install pontoons.

Good things come to those who have the right bait.

That which has not killed me has made a grave tactical error.

After all, tomorrow is another day to make an utter fool of yourself.

In God we trust; all others pay cash.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can accomplish by hiring someone else to do today.

It is better to have loved and lost than to have paid alimony for the rest of your life.

It's always darkest just before the tax-return check.

A bird in the hand is worth a Fistfull of Dollars.

Ask not what you can do for your country, but what you shouldn't do for your country.

If we want to work together, we must unite against platitudes. (Oh, the excruciating irony!)

When reading, don't let a single mind escape your attention; one mind may be worth the entirety of Fort Knox.

Might as well play it by foot, dear. Okay?

When in Rome, never eat yellow snow.

It takes two to Mango.

If at first you don't succeed, take a very long nap, and hopefully you'll dream up an easier goal your sorry ass can achieve.

Will it blend? That is the question.

One for the toad.

Home is where the WiFi connects automatically.

Those who escape by the skin of their teeth should probably see a dentist about that, it's disgusting.

Count your Special Interests.

If the shoe fits, it doesn't mean you should wear it. One of these times someone is going to catch you stealing their shoes and kick your ass.