Smelena
Cure Neurotypicals Now!
Joined: 1 Apr 2007
Age: 65
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,950
Location: Australia
30 May 2007, 4:36 am
Hello again,
I have the latest newsletter from Asperger Services Australia.
They have advertised some things that may be of help to you:
Adult support group. Shop 4 & 5, 235 Zillmere Road, Zillmere.
3rd Monday of the month from 7.00 to 9.00 pm
Contact Stefanie on 3865 2911
There is also a book launch called "Alone Together" (author is Katrin Bentley) on June 25th. I think the book is specifically about having a relationship with someone with Asperger's (not 100% sure, you'd have to call the association on 3865 2911) to know for sure. It's at Chermside Bowls Club, Rode Road, Chermside from 7.00pm. Tony Attwood is a guest speaker.
And the one that would be extremely helpful for you is September 1 & 2 - 2 Day Seminar for Partners & Spouses with ASD, single, separated couples. No details yet on venue or costs.
But paying for a 2 day course is a lot cheaper than a divorce! (hey, that even rhymes. 
)
My mum is right, it's possible that your wife is depressed. I wouldn't go discussing that with her just yet because if you say that, it's likely to cause a huge argument.
I started to feel instantly sad about it and can fully understand what she means. I want things to start being more equal and to become easier for us both to deal with. But because I have all this emotion going through me that I don't fully understand, I can't talk in a way that shows her that I care. I have a mono tone voice she tells me, I'm unable to make light of things or to have a caring voice.
I feel like giving her a hug, but that isn't what she wants nor does it work. I just can't figure out how to do what she asks of me.. Its like I just go blank.
So now again I've made things worse. Simply by not being able to give her what she needs to be ok. It tears me up inside!! I HATE seeing her sad like this, and yet I just don't know how to make her feel better.. That is the worst feeling of all.. To not be able to help the person you love most.
Yes, that is a very similar script from our life 1 year ago. The monotone voice and blank facial expression used to drive me crazy, until I understood about Asperger's.
It's a 2 way street though. As I said in my last post, your wife has to meet you halfway. She needs to learn to ask very specifically for what she wants.
Writing down your thoughts when you are alone and have time to think about what to write is a good idea. No blame. Just: this is the way it is, this is what I want to happen, here is my plan. Plus lots of positives - I love you, I want things to be the way they were when we first met (or whatever).
I would strongly recommend counselling. Minds and Hearts offer this service to adults/married couples.
You can save this marriage but it sounds like you need to act now.
Keep in mind you have 2 children and your wife is pregnant with a 3rd + a child with Asperger's. My guess is that she is physically and emotionally exhausted.
What's happening with the housework? Are you doing your share? Can you do more?
What about with your son's therapy? Are you leaving it all to her or are you helping?
Initially my husband was sitting back and I was doing it all. Not because he was a thoughtless b*stard, just I didn't ask!
He now does most of the cleaning which is great.
Could you go on a huge cleaning frenzy, cook dinner and do the dishes, then say to your wife, "please read this thread"
Good luck. Keep me up to date. PM me if necessary.
Regards
Smelena
30 May 2007, 3:56 pm
Hey Smelena,
That is great information. I'll be looking at going to all of those I think 
That seminar in september looks very interesting.
I don't believe my wife is depressed. I know she's very sad about all this. As am I. I do a lot of house work. She feels spoilt sometimes with the amount that i do.
I haven't been involved overly much with our son, I could do more there and I have been.
I hope with some help from a support group and this seminar in september, altho its a fair way off, we'll be able to get to a place where we can start building from. I'm getting my official diagnosis at Minds & Hearts also, so I'll look into some counseling.
I much appreciate your help and kind words..
InBrissy
