Giftedness and loneliness

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Somewhat unrelated, but considering the co-morbidity (if we call it that) of autism and giftedness, I wonder if, from your point of view, there's a inherent moral responsibility to contribute with your gift to the world.

I was diagnosed with Aspergers about 8 years ago, but also struggled with psychosis around that time caused by a tough social upbringing.

I had a promising start in life and held lectures on chemical bonds in molecules at age 12. By age 18 I had performed Rachmaninov live, and at age 28 I graduated, in the midst of said psychosis, from one of Europe's top university in architecture with an award in drawing and a distinction in theory.

Having said that, I'm now deeply suspicious of society and my peers. Apart from past bullying being a more or less direct trigger for the psychotic episode, I felt ostracism during my period of illness. Today I'm torn between forgiving society and go back to contribute with the strengths I have, and "opting out", as is the tendency at present.

I guess what would make me most happy is if I could participate fully in society again, but I feel that is impossible due to my autism. I don't want to contribute because I'm bitter about the ostracism. When I needed help the most, those who I counted as "friends" dropped out, one by one. At the same time, I feel like I'm wasting away my life, not being true to who I am. I wish there was a third way, but I can't seem to see it ...

I currently live in Japan and have a good job where I'm put as lead designer of a (small) skyscraper in China. I'm 31, I don't play the piano, nor do I read about physics or draw. My job just gives me money. To be honest I feel like there are millions of people worse off than me, especially on the spectrum, but my bitterness keeps me away from society. Not contributing feels like a kind of "payback" after the years of psychosis.

What do you think? Should I give it another chance, give it my all, with the possibility that society will once again reject me, or should I just go on to get used to a life of silence and loneliness, but at least without disappointment?

I've never met someone like me, but if OP has the same experience, perhaps two odds can sum to an even.

I understand how you feel, although I'm probably less illustrious and have reached my point of completely isolating myself socially significantly earlier. I have personally come to the conclusion that personal happiness is greatly more valuable than intelligence and achievements, just because you have abilities and know you can contribute (I know I could), you don't owe anything to anyone unless you actually want to. I similarly have tried to find out if all the typical roads to self-satisfaction that people recommend would work for me: achieving something great, living in comfort, being recognized, helping others, etc., and just found that none of those classic methods make me feel anything. Currently in the process of rejoining society simply because I don't think there is any other known routes that I can take to improve my life, so if you got nothing else I'd say go for it, but if you specifically know something that would make you happy, I'd say value that opportunity over "contribution".

P.S. I'm interested in how it is for someone with autism to live in Japan, from what I understand there is a bit of a contradiction where a large amount of the population has autistic-like traits, but it's still not accepted completely in the mainstream? (I could be wrong). If I'm correct, you may be able to find a place there with people who understand.

I think this is good advice. Taking my special interests into consideration, they've waned a bit over the last few years as I've focused on regaining my place in society. In adolescence, my special interests were many -- whether they were contributions or not mattered little. The difference between then and now is that back then I thought that I was like everybody else, and that my work would naturally please others as well. Now I've learnt that what I truly value, differs from what the other 99% of the population values.

The ideal situation would be if my special interests would contribute both to others and to myself, but perhaps I have to accept that I can only make myself happy at this point. Well, if even that.


I've chosen not to disclose my condition to anyone except my wife and my doctor. People here can accept a certain degree of "idiosyncrasy", but if you start talking about specific mental diagnoses, people get suspicious and judgemental. It's conservative in that aspect. Also, a foreigner who deviates slightly from the norm gets a kinder treatment from people than a person born in Japan. This is because foreigners are assumed to be "outsiders" from the start, and can thus be whatever kind of person they want to be, whereas a Japanese person has to be shaped to fit into society.

Generally speaking, I find it satisfying to live here. It's not perfect, but some of the peculiarities I display are assets rather than liabilities. Even by Japanese standards, I'm unusually reliable, punctual, detail-oriented, and quiet. As long as nobody knows my condition, I'm accepted.