Being judged for one isolated incident in a distant past

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The 2 of you were fundamentally incompatible - use it as a learning experience and move on. Sometimes that's all a bad relationship can do - teach.

As for being judged for an isolated past incident? You were both guilty of that. You for punching someone and she for having ECT. (which, by the way is a valid treatment option when the alternatives are worse ie. self-destruction).

Neither can go back and change history, so its both pointless and cruel on both your parts to harp on it.

In her case, ECT was not "isolated". She had multiple sessions of ECT.

But, more importantly, I regret my punching someone, yet she doesn't regret ECT. She insists ECT was a good idea.

Be it as it may, who cares if she insists it "was" a good idea (past tense) if she won't do it in the future regardless. Thats why I told her that if my talking about ECT causes relationship problems, then what if I stop talking about it? I guess I didn't keep true to that promise since, after that particular conflict was resolved, I still brought up ECT.

But in any case, I think punching is more important reason for breakup than ECT, since she didn't break up with me when I talked about ECT. Instead, she broke up after I told her about punching. Yes, she mentined ECT on the list of 27 reasons. But what triggered her to compose that list (along with the breakup) is hearing about my punching -- at least thats what the timing suggests.

If she doesn't regret it and believes it's viable she might worry about your judgments, or she's judging your position and just being polite about it.

More broadly though I believe you're making a mistake by trying to focus on highlights of her list instead of considering that she had enough minor issues she could add together that no serious issue was needed. She didn't need a major indicator of incompatibility, she already had enough indications in a broad range of areas to not require further evidence to make a reasonable conclusion.

But then why didn't she break up "before" I mentioned punching? Yet then broke up two days after I did?

And why did she put punching at the very top of her list?

If it was recent, that might explain why it was top of her mind. Do you think she thoughtfully rearranged the list after writing it, or just provided it as written initially? If it's the latter it's likely just a stream-of-consciousness and the order might mean very little.

Its hard to judge because she didn't email it to me, but instead she read it over the phone. When she read the first item (about punching) I interrupted her to argue about it. And then after we argued for 10 minutes about the punching thing, she quickly read the rest.

It did seem, though, that punching was important. Because from what I remember she read it as if she would never feel safe around me which makes it a deal breaker. Again, though, I can't go back and re-read it because she haven't emailed it to me. It is just the way it sounded over the phone.

That might be the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.

It might be how that issue intersects with the others.

It might be an excuse because the real issue is more complicated and she worries about even more argument.

Ultimately none of us can have enough insight into her mind as needed, so we can't serve as adequate surrogates for asking her. We can't rebut your defences from her perspective either. Since you're asking for answers more than just comfort it's going to invite imperfect attempts at explaining but no one can give the answers from the perspective you need them to be answered from.

It seems like creating a scenario to disagree with our guesses since her mind can't be changed through disagreement anymore.

Why did you punch him? I'd never punch anybody.

Because I was upset at myself lashing out verbally at those people. So I felt like "its so horrible that I made such a bad reputation, I was trying to redeem my reputation but couldn't; fine, lets make my reputation even worse so that they can all see how I am punching someone". Which is kind of similar to how one time I ripped my school assignment into pieces because I realized that "part" of it was in a wrong direction, so I destroyed the whole thing.

Even if the reasons could be classified into a hierarchy of importance, that doesn't mean that the reasons on the bottom didn't influence her decision.

ECT is a course of treatment, so yes, if you need it, it happens more than once. BUT that aside, you are BOTH better off without each other. She probably regrets telling you about her mental health history (as you weren't able to handle her personal issues) and she wasn't in a place to handle your issues. It happens in a lot of relationships...sometimes you just have to call it a day.

Perhaps she's worried about a repeat situation if you have a bad enough meltdown with her. I'm not trying to sound harsh here but if I was in her shoes I would want you to get psychiatric or other mental health treatment to help you manage your anger & meltdowns better. Considering that you have such a hostile view towards psych & mental health treatment, I would strongly advise you to try to move on instead of continuing to dwell on her breakup reasoning.

Look, physical violence is not something you should have mentioned. It's something that should never be spoken of. It will discredit you anywhere and everywhere in our woke society. I never tell anyone to give up, but this is quite unsalvageable.

Last edited by magz on 09 Sep 2022, 8:13 am, edited 1 time in total.: Personal information removed

I would also suggest finding another church/Bible study group, you will never have good reputation where you are anymore, you need a fresh start.

27 reasons is a lot of reasons, no wonder she broke up with you.

You come across as being incredibly judgmental, yet seem not wanting to be judged.

You meant to say she can't be wrong 27 times?