My neurodivergent boyfriend doesn’t like having fun with me

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goldfish21
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08 May 2023, 1:42 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Ask him

Ask him why.

Have you two gotten naked and intimate yet? Maybe he’s avoiding spending time on close proximity to you because he’s inexperienced, nervous, and has no idea how to navigate sexual intimacy so avoids all possible scenarios where it might happen.

Alternatively, maybe he’s gay and just wants to be seen out to dinner with you for his closeted plausible deniability while he’s hooking up with his male friends after a night of drinking.

Or some other explanation. But in any event you’ll have to ask him why and get answers. We can only speculate.. which is fun, but not necessarily very accurate or useful.


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DanielW
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08 May 2023, 2:20 pm

I think part of the problem is that these activities he participates in haven't ever included a partner. You aren't part of the routine (at least not yet) It may take time, or he may not want to include you in his established routines. If he wants to spend time with you, it may need to be separate from the routine things. That's something you will have to discuss with him. Depending on the response you get, you might find something you can do together OR you may want to move on.



MaxE
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09 May 2023, 5:51 am

goldfish21 wrote:
Have you two gotten naked and intimate yet? Maybe he’s avoiding spending time on close proximity to you because he’s inexperienced, nervous, and has no idea how to navigate sexual intimacy so avoids all possible scenarios where it might happen.

(etc.)

Actually I'd say it's the exact opposite. OP said they hang out 2-3 times per week. He'd probably be perfectly satisfied having sex with her when they're together whereas she also wants to have fun with him. And guys with AS aren't necessarily turned on by what NTs think of as fun which typically involves getting excited with a group of people. I understand this as I've been in this situation.

EDIT I was maybe a bit simplistic. I'm sure he enjoys doing things with her as a couple, besides sex. However, I can imagine that having a girlfriend and including her in the activities of his friend group could be awkward for him. And I can see how he may not want to say that outright because he doesn't want to anger her, for obvious reasons.


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beady
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11 May 2023, 9:19 am

He enjoys doing the fun activities with his friends.
It seems he chooses to spend his downtime relaxing and not really doing any actual activities with you.

Think this through and accept it as unchangeable if it presents itself that way.

If you want someone that enjoys doing said activities or any others with you, I.e. someone who enjoys your company and not just zoning out with you, then please find someone else.

What do you really enjoy doing with him?
Do you have in-depth conversations with him? Does he truly listen for more than a few minutes? Would you consider him your best friend? Just things to consider when assessing your relationship.