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"could you", "would you", "will you" and "can you"

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nick007
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12 Jan 2025, 9:34 am

funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
Wh we need I was in 4th grade, I remember that we weren't allowed to use the bathroom if we asked "Can I use the bathroom?" If we did the response was always "I don't know, can you? Are you physically able to?" We learned quickly the correct way to ask which was "May I...?"


I'd just leave for the bathroom if teachers tried to play that game with me. They understood what I meant and what I meant is I am leaving to use the bathroom. If they wanted to be pedantic over can vs. may I'd remind them it's only phrased as a question out of deference to authority and ultimately it's not a request, it's a statement of intention.

I'm entitled to use the bathroom as needed, their permission isn't required and informing them is a courtesy that I'm not obliged to follow if they insist on making a game of it.
My teachers who played that game would have punished the students for leaving class without permission if the students didn't play it. BS like this is one of the reasons I'm a bit of an anarchist & find it extremely difficult to show respect to certain authority figures.


funeralxempire wrote:
shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
utterly absurd

yes, grammar is part of it.

however, implications are also part of it. "can you" implies that just b/c you are physically capable of doing something ("can") you "have to" do it. which i find way too manipulative. on the other hand, i am officially diagnosed with autism, and, characteristic of autism, i tend to take statements at their literal interpretation instead of "you know what i meant".

besides, esp with manual labor, just b/c i "can" do something, doesn't mean i "should" do something. if/when i lift a heavy rock, i might get long term back pain, but of course, the coworker/customer doesn't know/care about that.

(misunderstanding)


In those cases it might be easier to merely reply I can if someone asks can you do whatever without making it clear that they're asking you to do whatever, rather than allowing their phrasing to bother you. Let them figure out that you need/want the question to be asked more clearly.
I'd be worried that responding like that would cause the OP to get in trouble for being rude or defiant with management. Two of the three jobs I had were retail & a bit of the workers including me had to know to sound nice & polite in order to avoid trouble. Unfortunately us Aspies & people with other disabilities & issues tend to be very low on the social totem-pole so to speak.


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funeralxempire
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12 Jan 2025, 9:47 am

nick007 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
Wh we need I was in 4th grade, I remember that we weren't allowed to use the bathroom if we asked "Can I use the bathroom?" If we did the response was always "I don't know, can you? Are you physically able to?" We learned quickly the correct way to ask which was "May I...?"


I'd just leave for the bathroom if teachers tried to play that game with me. They understood what I meant and what I meant is I am leaving to use the bathroom. If they wanted to be pedantic over can vs. may I'd remind them it's only phrased as a question out of deference to authority and ultimately it's not a request, it's a statement of intention.

I'm entitled to use the bathroom as needed, their permission isn't required and informing them is a courtesy that I'm not obliged to follow if they insist on making a game of it.
My teachers who played that game would have punished the students for leaving class without permission if the students didn't play it. BS like this is one of the reasons I'm a bit of an anarchist & find it extremely difficult to show respect to certain authority figures.


And that would have invited further (and exponential) retaliation. :mrgreen:


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15 Jan 2025, 6:46 pm

^
It's interesting how if they get all pedantic like that, they're always right, but if we do it to them, we're always wrong.

A depressed Marxist once said to me, "If you really don't think you're living in a repressive dictatorship, just try acting like an equal, and see how long it takes them to put your nose out of joint."



nick007
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15 Jan 2025, 11:02 pm

Perhaps people should try asking for things multiple ways at the same time to try & cover more angles :chin:
I'm thinking of something like the John Michael Montgomery song, Be My Baby Tonight :arrow:

So could you
Would you
Ain't you gonna
If I ask you
would you wanna
Be my baby tonight :?:


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shortfatbalduglyman
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19 Feb 2026, 11:02 pm

nick007 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
Wh we need I was in 4th grade, I remember that we weren't allowed to use the bathroom if we asked "Can I use the bathroom?" If we did the response was always "I don't know, can you? Are you physically able to?" We learned quickly the correct way to ask which was "May I...?"


I'd just leave for the bathroom if teachers tried to play that game with me. They understood what I meant and what I meant is I am leaving to use the bathroom. If they wanted to be pedantic over can vs. may I'd remind them it's only phrased as a question out of deference to authority and ultimately it's not a request, it's a statement of intention.

I'm entitled to use the bathroom as needed, their permission isn't required and informing them is a courtesy that I'm not obliged to follow if they insist on making a game of it.
My teachers who played that game would have punished the students for leaving class without permission if the students didn't play it. BS like this is one of the reasons I'm a bit of an anarchist & find it extremely difficult to show respect to certain authority figures.


funeralxempire wrote:
shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
utterly absurd

yes, grammar is part of it.

however, implications are also part of it. "can you" implies that just b/c you are physically capable of doing something ("can") you "have to" do it. which i find way too manipulative. on the other hand, i am officially diagnosed with autism, and, characteristic of autism, i tend to take statements at their literal interpretation instead of "you know what i meant".

besides, esp with manual labor, just b/c i "can" do something, doesn't mean i "should" do something. if/when i lift a heavy rock, i might get long term back pain, but of course, the coworker/customer doesn't know/care about that.

(misunderstanding)


In those cases it might be easier to merely reply I can if someone asks can you do whatever without making it clear that they're asking you to do whatever, rather than allowing their phrasing to bother you. Let them figure out that you need/want the question to be asked more clearly.
I'd be worried that responding like that would cause the OP to get in trouble for being rude or defiant with management. Two of the three jobs I had were retail & a bit of the workers including me had to know to sound nice & polite in order to avoid trouble. Unfortunately us Aspies & people with other disabilities & issues tend to be very low on the social totem-pole so to speak.



nick

yes i too am afraid that answering like that would get me into "trouble" with the management. nobody is perfect. everyone has subconscious biases. "at will" employer. any old monkey could do my dumpster fire "job". i need home depot to employ me. home depot does not need to employ me. home depot could hire any old monkey. the management is not too polite, wise, kind, sophisticated, refined. besides, ASM gabriel has been just looking for reasons to make me redundant.

______________________________________________________________________

yes, those lil tarantulas, have "freedom of speech". but i do too.

and it gets on my nerves how they have the nerve to say "can you" and "huh" like they are the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me".

"could you" is formal, polite, and hypotehtical. "can you" sounds kind of callouesed, like just b/c you "can", you have to. (manipulative). yes, i understand - not everyone learned english the same way, and some ESL don't know better, but plenty of cockroaches, with advanced degrees, still have the nerve to say "can you" and "huh".

i've felt that way for a long time and trying hard to ignore my emotions. and usually i fail. if i were successful, then i wouldn't be working @ home depot, a priori.

(rolls eyes) (puke)