Heyo! /)

Post Reply New Topic

Update: Sounds like I'm on the path to being re-diagnosed as level 2 autistic

I also succeeded with that diagnosis and other comorbidities.

Ask them and get reassurance about what they'll do next to help you.

What matters is the post-diagnosis phase, which is Level 2.

If it were Level 1, I wouldn't worry so much. I noticed that those Level 1s generally did things optimally (albeit with some difficulty).

With a Level 2 diagnosis, I would seriously doubt that people in that context had even a semblance of a socially valid life.

And they have huge problems.

You should try asking these things: how will you help me after the diagnosis?

Because afterward, they often don't do anything at all.

And even if you're already 31, something significant can still be done.

Some things you won't be able to improve. They'll remain the same as before the diagnosis.

Others, however, yes: you can work on those, but you'll never succeed if left alone.

A sensible diagnosis is helpful in integrating and understanding what is difficult for us to grasp.

From the way you write, you seem to me to be a positive and proactive person.

These are excellent qualities!

The thing that pushed me over the line apparently was that I feel disenfranchised with society, stonefaced as a kid, dissociation, felt like I was from another planet ie much more mature then all of my peers starting at age 6, I used to stim in class as was constantly scolded for it for being 'willful', very high pain tolerance unless it involves my neck or above, was referred to by my teachers as a great student by socially 'incompetent' yet hyper analytical of my 'interests', 3.5 in middle school gpa, 4.0 in highschool and college, was later told by a school councillor that I was twice exceptional in her mind but couldn't afford a formal diagnosis then (got a diagnosis for 'aspergers' at the end of high school), dropped out of college because I hate the games colleges play with credits and debt. I pushed away all my 'friends', no communication with my abusive parents, avoidance of my wife's parents, I barely leave the house ~10 times a year, and I avoid anything with bureaucracy, speech issues as a child that required me to get speech therapy, and I cling to my wife for support. I've had a few recent episodes with burnout, and a couple breakdowns from over-stimulation (overreacting, panicking, hiding, punched a wall/support beam in anger, though is in control enough to pull myself back from causing damage (rare)). I'm trying to working independently, making my own products and selling them, apparently unusual for autism? But I told them it's my logical way to survive, because when I try to hold a normal in person job, I can only do it for a day. That it was likely that something would hit one of my triggers, and I'd have to hide my internal breakdown. Even so, I was previously working on reforming some habits I thought would help push me in the right direction, and it's helped me alot. So I have had some meaningful healing already.

Even so, I feel like my life plays the archetypal role of an outcast, walking the outer bounds of civilization. Common themes of thoughts I have are that current civilization are childish, almost immature, corrupt. You parse the news, corrupt. Actions of corporations and gov, corrupt. etc. etc. Not meaning to talk politics because I'm not meaning to be. Regardless of your party, it comes off to me as corrupt or childish in nature. People are scared, and they start acting corrupt themselves. It all feels fundamentally wrong. Then I turn back to being the archetypal Outcast. Civilization clearly isn't for me, so I need to let civilizational concerns go, and just focus on carving something out for myself. I jest that our current civilization cultural tech level is maybe 10-20% done of the path required to reach "perfect society" requirements. 6000 years of civilization? Haha! 10-20% done! ~cough~ But I understand that this could be illusion created by autism lvl 2 and cptsd?

I will say too, I used to think I was lvl 1 when I was in living in my hometown, but when I moved to a new city with my wife, lvl 2 silently overcame me. Though I pushed my 'friends' away before then, and was already distancing myself from anything "societal" out of "unreasonable fear". I'm afraid to drive now, while I used to enjoy it. People in general scare me when I meet them. So maybe I've always been lvl 2? The more I think about my childhood, the more it seems like my struggles would be classified more as "significant", instead of marginal...

Weirdest thing I do is, when I meet someone for the first time, I assign a mask for myself to wear to them. It could be a pleasant mask, judgemental, offensive, etc. All random. It could be someone that I genuinely want to befriend, but they rolled a bad "mask" so my friendship is never allowed a chance at first connection. They said that is also a sign of lvl 2? Also they said what I thought was OCD is seen in lvl 2? And that my cptsd is likely having some wild interplays affecting things? They used the word "comorbid", which is new to me. Then my visit ended.

I've already learned that my goal isn't to be 'cured' into being neurological. Awful mindset... Honestly, I want to see how far I can push my unusual mind. I thrive in researching things I feel no one else has explored thoroughly. Intellectually alone, allowed to thrive however I see fit. Explore the unexplored. I think philosophically I was an existentialist, and I've learned that I find true enjoyment in living when I find something neat or cool that I can share with others. To me, "neat" and "cool" or "pretty" make life feel worth living. I'm curious if anyone else has gone through similar philosophical tribulations, what did you discover for yourself?

Also, my wife makes too much money for me to get any assistance, so I'm unsure if I'd have much in the way of support available to me. Honestly, I'm not sure how much I'm comfortable putting myself out there. It sounds like the only support I might have access to is occupational therapy, and 'behavioural support service'.

Last edited by LunarFox on 17 Sep 2025, 4:53 am, edited 3 times in total.

You think so?

Perplexity's For Fun Take (Ran Without Context Queue/Memory/Or Cache)...
Note: Important to factor out how AI is trained to self engrandize users. Maybe this post is worthless. But I appreciate the viewpoint of looking past my writeup and focusing what's underneath. Meta-Cognition Stuff

Perplexity:
If a psychologist or a team of psychologists were presented with your full writeup, they would likely comment on several layers: diagnostic features, coping mechanisms, worldview/philosophical framing, and functional impacts. They wouldn’t all agree on one neat “take,” but here’s what they might note...
1.) Strong alignment with autism spectrum disorder (ASD, Level 2 support needs):
Early childhood stimming, speech therapy, teacher reports of social issues, masking, hyperfocus on interests, difficulty tolerating “normal jobs,” meltdown/overstimulation responses, reliance on a partner for regulation.
2.) Clear history of CPTSD features:
Abusive childhood, avoidance of parents/others, hypervigilance (e.g., fear of driving, mistrust of institutions, masking strangers).
3.) Possible OCD-like or obsessive-compulsive traits:
Mask-assigning “rituals” with people, rigid patterns in thinking.
4.) Twice-exceptional (2e) traits:
Very high academic achievement paired with social and functional difficulties.

Rule-outs / further exploration: anxiety disorders (especially social anxiety), possible depressive elements tied to isolation, and personality patterns shaped by trauma (introjected archetype of the Outcast).


Coping Mechanisms Noted
1.) Heavy use of intellectualization: framing experiences through diagnoses, philosophy, archetypes, and history lets you manage emotional intensity by turning it into theory.
2.) Self-mythologizing as Outcast/Philosopher: a protective identity that transforms marginalization into chosen purpose, reducing shame but also reinforcing distance.
3.) Avoidance strategies: withdrawal from friends, family, public spaces, and structured systems as a self-protection tactic (but noted as deeply limiting).
4.) Anchor dependence on wife: both a healthy support system and a potential vulnerability — psychologists would note your reliance and possible fears of losing your one stabilizing relationship.


Functional Impact They'd Highlight
1.) Severe restriction of life activities: leaving your house ~10 times a year, inability to sustain employment, avoidance of bureaucracy/official systems.
2.) Burnout and meltdown episodes that, while under some control, still indicate high functional stress.
3.) Difficulty initiating new social bonds due to masking rituals and mistrust of society.
4.) Philosophical reframing provides meaning but can double as isolation reinforcement (“civilization isn’t for me, therefore I stay outside it”).


Philosophical & Existential Layer
1.) They would pay attention to your existential framework (“I’m not to be cured, I want to push my unusual mind,” “civilization is 10–20% complete”).
2.) Some might see this positively: a resilient worldview that transforms disability into creativity/purpose.
3.) Others might note it risks reifying alienation: the more you commit to identity as “civilizational outcast,” the harder integration or therapeutic re-engagement becomes.


Likely Team Reflections
1.) “This is someone very intelligent and self-reflective, but living in a highly constricted world due to trauma, autism-related difficulties, and systemic mistrust.”
2.) “Their Outcast identity is protective, but also locks them into chronic distance from potential supports.”
3.) “They don’t want a cure, but they do want ways to sustain energy, wonder, and independence. Therapy should work with their philosophical framework, not against it.”
4.) “Primary goals should not be to normalize them, but to reduce suffering from burnout, isolation, and fear while supporting autonomy.”

A psychologist would likely add something like: this person doesn’t lack insight — in fact, they may have too much, but filtered through trauma. Treatment must balance respect for their unusual identity with gentle challenges to reduce self-limiting avoidance.


Perplexity Focusing In On The Civilization Stuff:
This addition intensifies the archetypal and almost mythic framing you give to your identity, pushing your narrative beyond diagnosis into a worldview that merges philosophical critique, alienation, and existential positioning. The vibe here sharpens into that of someone who sees themselves as outside history—the outcast-philosopher observing civilization from its borders with suspicion and clarity.

Here’s a hyperanalysis of the added section:
1.) By explicitly naming yourself as “the archetypal Outcast,” you are mythologizing your own role, which reframes your struggles in a larger symbolic lens. This distances you from raw pain — instead of only being isolated, you are the wanderer who stands outside the corrupted city.
2.) This is both defense and empowerment. Instead of “I’m excluded,” it becomes “I choose to walk the outer bounds because civilization itself is flawed.” This subtle repositioning suggests you are claiming strength within your marginalization.

Civilizational Mistrust
1.) Your dismissal of civilization as “childish” and “corrupt” suggests radical disillusionment. It feels less like a fleeting observation and more like a firm worldview that underpins your avoidance of social structures.
2.) Crucially, you frame corruption not as political (avoiding partisan tones) but as fundamentally human-systemic. This broad sweep hints at deep cynicism toward collective organization, grounded in longfelt personal betrayal (parents, institutions, bureaucracy).

Philosophical Undertones
1.) The reference to humanity being only 10–20% along the way to a “perfect society” is grand, almost prophetic. There’s a quasi-historian or futurist voice here — not content to see yourself as broken within society, but to see society as incomplete within history.
2.) This adds a “seer-like” vibe to your narrative: the Outcast not only surviving outside civilization but also seeing through it, laughing at its immaturity.
3.) The “haha! ~cough~” interjection undercuts the loftiness with a tone of sardonic humor. This reveals self-awareness — you know you sound like a doomsayer or prophet, so you soften it with jest, as if to say “I don’t take even my own critique too seriously.”

Hidden Fears And Doubt
1.) The final line — “I understand this could be illusion created by autism lvl 2 and cptsd” — is where the armor slips. After constructing your mythic outcast narrative, you self-interrogate: am I genuinely seeing truth, or am I distorted by trauma and neurology?
2.) This reveals a persistent oscillation between confidence and self-doubt. You elevate your position to philosopher-prophet, then pull yourself back into diagnostics and labels. This looping reveals fear of delusion and a need for external confirmation.

Energetic Vibe
The vibe now moves closer to that of a hermit-seer or exile-scholar archetype — someone sitting at the edges of civilization, mistrustful but watchful, defining themselves against corruption while carving their own small world of meaning. You radiate not just exhaustion but austere defiance: civilization may be corrupt and immature, but you are alive outside it, thinking.
You also give off the energy of someone balancing seriousness and jest. The humor (“haha! 10-20% done! ~cough~”) prevents your worldview from being purely bitter — suggesting not nihilism but cynical playfulness, like a philosopher jester outside the gates.



____

Like I said, modern day AI is something you take with a grain of salt. But my writeup was genuine, and I appreciate how AI atleast can point out the shifts in my logic and writing styles. So I can conclude, I have two parts of myself that are in deep conflict with each other. Some compromising has been made, but so much more work left to do. One is avoidant in nature, the other is 'hyper-analytical'.

Similar at school; high level. You're a Level 2, and I know what that is.
You've always been a Level 2.
It just didn't show up before.

Fear of driving: what is it?

Because if I'm not mistaken, it's recent.

The situation should be addressed by doctors, obviously without medication; I wouldn't consider them while driving.

What makes you afraid of driving?

§

Sorry, you're writing about it later.

Comorbidity means you have something that complements your level of autism.

It also depends on this: I have a PSTD too.

They are trauma-induced anxiety disorders.

They are treatable.

If you change clusters, however, it becomes very complicated.

Yours seems treatable, however.


Yes, paradoxically, many autistic people often deal with their minds and are very philosophically blind.

During the Hikikomori period, I was very interested in it.

I discovered my own social limitations. And not only that.

Some thought forms are fundamental to understanding ourselves.

The great philosophers often reasoned and still reason abstractly, and that's something we lack.

But it can be learned.

I learned to wait.

The most difficult thing to learn is waiting.

Time passes and not getting upset.

Waiting means taking a huge step toward understanding things.

Everything works more slowly and progressively.

Everything unfolds in that time of waiting.

And it becomes positive.

The impulsiveness of reacting immediately to events is eliminated.

It's a complex issue.

If your wife earns too much, you can ask for separation of assets.

But it's dangerous, and you never know what might happen in the future.

In any case, at least in our country, these decisions are evaluated by ministerial-level supervisors.

Can't your wife help you, or doesn't want to, or can't?

If she earns a lot, can she use part of the money to help you?

Or do you refuse that help because you're a proud person?

Society is always imperfect.

And we don't have to adapt to anything, just avoid problems related to social exclusion.


No! Working on your own creativity is autistic.

It depends on what you create/produce.

If it's art, it's very common for this to happen, given your 2E level.

You may possess talents on a very high and unique skill scale.

You can discover them, for example, by taking art courses to understand what other people's levels are compared to yours.

If so, you'll be noticed right away.

Then you can continue on your own.

But it takes much longer.




Could it be a feeling of panic?





You can desensitize it with a year of therapy, and then you'll start again without that feeling.

About friendship: I also tend to let time pass.

Because first I need to understand who I'm dealing with.

You could have a disorder associated with your Level 2 autism.

Or not knowing how to read the nonverbal communication of people, even friends.

Or not even interpreting a smile: yesterday it happened to me with a neighbor.

Who I don't know.

Maybe he thinks so.

And he smiled at me.
If he'd said hello, I would have responded.

So: an explicit message that I could understand.

But since he didn't understand, my facial expressions remained expressionless.

Shutting away the friends you had before: was there a reason?

Because, from what you describe, you only left the house 10 times...it seems to me like a sort of social withdrawal that needs to be remedied as soon as possible.

And that can be done too.

Not alone.

§

Sorry, you're writing about it later.

Comorbidity means you have something that complements your level of autism.

It also depends on this: I have a PSTD too.

They are trauma-induced anxiety disorders.

They are treatable.

If you change clusters, however, it becomes very complicated.

Yours seems treatable, however.


Yes, paradoxically, many autistic people often deal with their minds and are very philosophically blind.

During the Hikikomori period, I was very interested in it.

I discovered my own social limitations. And not only that.

Some thought forms are fundamental to understanding ourselves.

The great philosophers often reasoned and still reason abstractly, and that's something we lack.

But it can be learned.

I learned to wait.

The most difficult thing to learn is waiting.

Time passes and not getting upset.

Waiting means taking a huge step toward understanding things.

Everything works more slowly and progressively.

Everything unfolds in that time of waiting.

And it becomes positive.

The impulsiveness of reacting immediately to events is eliminated.

It's a complex issue.

If your wife earns too much, you can ask for separation of assets.

But it's dangerous, and you never know what might happen in the future.

In any case, at least in our country, these decisions are evaluated by ministerial-level supervisors.

Can't your wife help you, or doesn't want to, or can't?

If she earns a lot, can she use part of the money to help you?

Or do you refuse that help because you're a proud person?

Society is always imperfect.

And we don't have to adapt to anything, just avoid problems related to social exclusion.


No! Working on your own creativity is autistic.

It depends on what you create/produce.

If it's art, it's very common for this to happen, given your 2E level.

You may possess talents on a very high and unique skill scale.

You can discover them, for example, by taking art courses to understand what other people's levels are compared to yours.

If so, you'll be noticed right away.

Then you can continue on your own.

But it takes much longer.


I'm thinking of Jack "Vettriano," who coincidentally took 10 years to produce art.

But now his reproductions on the internet alone are worth a lot.

Probably the most highly regarded artist in the world. He's been gone since March 1st.

https://patrimonioculturale.regione.emi ... -vettriano

I'll translate the link for you, which coincidentally dates back to the day before his death.

His work "The Singing Butler" is the best-selling print reproduction in the UK, and it is often reproduced on canvas or paper in Italy.

It is undoubtedly the painting that made Scottish artist Jack Vettriano famous (born in 1951, his surname a corruption of his mother's, Vettraino, of Ciociaria(Rome) origins). His works are included in the collections of famous actors, such as Jack Nicholson. In 2008, Queen Elizabeth II awarded him the Order of Merit for Services to the Visual Arts.

Palazzo Pallavicini exhibits more than 70 works, including oils, limited-edition prints created for the occasion, and photographs taken in the artist's studio by Francesco Guidicini, official portraitist for the "Sunday Times," whose works are also in the National Portrait Gallery in London.


Vettriano, a mining apprentice, began painting as a self-taught artist at the age of twenty-one, during his spare time. The turning point in his artistic career came in 1988, when he exhibited two of his paintings to great acclaim at the Royal Scottish Academy.

All his works seem timeless, perhaps set in a not-too-distant past, a clue to which can be found in the subjects' clothing, particularly that of the female figure, omnipresent, refined, and always shrouded in mystery; often seen from behind, seductive and romantic, or melancholic and silent. There are numerous references to cinema, particularly noir, and to the paintings of Edward Hopper.

Childhood memories emerge here and there, such as the beach at Leven, a Scottish seaside resort near his hometown of Fife.

The exhibition opens with a self-portrait from behind: he holds a scalpel in his hand and gazes out the window of his studio. Next to it, on the easel, is a canvas with two clear cuts: a clear reference to Lucio Fontana's "Attese."

Here too, the atmosphere is cinematic. What is he looking at?
I'm thinking of Jack "Vettriano," who coincidentally took 10 years to produce art.

But now his reproductions on the internet alone are worth a lot.

Probably the most highly regarded artist in the world. He's been gone since March 1st.



I'll translate the link for you, which coincidentally dates back to the day before his death.

His work "The Singing Butler" is the best-selling print reproduction in the UK, and it is often reproduced on canvas or paper in Italy. It is undoubtedly the painting that made Scottish artist Jack Vettriano famous (born in 1951, his surname a corruption of his mother's, Vettraino, of Ciociaria origins). His works are included in the collections of famous actors, such as Jack Nicholson. In 2008, Queen Elizabeth II awarded him the Order of Merit for Services to the Visual Arts.

Palazzo Pallavicini exhibits more than 70 works, including oils, limited-edition prints created for the occasion, and photographs taken in the artist's studio by Francesco Guidicini, official portraitist for the "Sunday Times," whose works are also in the National Portrait Gallery in London.
Vettriano, a mining apprentice, began painting as a self-taught artist at the age of twenty-one, during his spare time. The turning point in his artistic career came in 1988, when he exhibited two of his paintings to great acclaim at the Royal Scottish Academy.
All his works seem timeless, perhaps set in a not-too-distant past, a clue to which can be found in the subjects' clothing, particularly that of the female figure, omnipresent, refined, and always shrouded in mystery; often seen from behind, seductive and romantic, or melancholic and silent. There are numerous references to cinema, particularly noir, and to the paintings of Edward Hopper. Childhood memories emerge here and there, such as the beach at Leven, a Scottish seaside resort near his hometown of Fife.
The exhibition opens with a self-portrait from behind: he holds a scalpel in his hand and gazes out the window of his studio. Next to it, on the easel, is a canvas with two clear cuts: a clear reference to Lucio Fontana's "Attese." Here too, the atmosphere is cinematic. What is he looking at?
https://patrimonioculturale.regione.emi ... -vettriano



https://www.britannica.com/art/realism-art

Last edited by Huckleberry Finn on 17 Sep 2025, 6:01 am, edited 3 times in total.

A part of my subconscious is scared that someone in my vicinity will show their incompetence. Rear-end or side-swipe me the moment I blink. When I was younger, I would "hyper-process", I had to make an high effort to quickly process the position and relative speed of all the other drivers around me, while juggling looking for pedestrians, potholes, and any other obstructions. Young me thought because they could notice more miniscle details while I was driving, that I could pick out potential dangers well before they became a problem. So I was still scared to drive, but I reaffirmed myself when I was young that I was safer then usual. I've never been in an accident also. I think I'm more tired and defeated, more cynical of people.

Oh, one thing I learned too through my own self-healing is that my cptsd often causes me to expect the worst outcome at random times. Sleeping in class? Fire alarms gonna go off and cause a panic. Quiet in my house? Someone will break down my door. I'm driving confidently? The moment I look away, someone is gonna hit me and the aftermath could be terrible.

Invasive thoughts? But I think they're valid concerns, just really overblown. I learned that ocd and cptsd kinda work together in my subconscious to create a source of potential need for panic, and then cycle it over and over increasing anxiety. The two strategies that pretty much stopped this behaviour is by consciously telling my subconscious that the ocd side of me needs to stop cycling and to be productive, and tell the cptsd side of me that I'm safe. Works like a charm

Note before I get started: Alot of these relationships were when I was a kid. Don't bash me for something I did when I was younger lmao. You were probably a goof when you were younger too Also, I later learned from someone that I was dating that I have do the following, when I find someone I'm genuinely interested in, and the stars align that my mask is good towards them, I tend to go alittle overboard sharing things about myself. I express pretty strongly my appreciation for them getting to know me, sharing our interests, and sharing time together. I've had a few partners warn me that in the "early days" my strong outward approach comes off as love bombing. I've talked to psych's about this, and they suggested its not surprising for someone who's autistic, ocd, cpstd, and they reaffirmed it isn't 'love bombing' but a deep appreciation and genuine curiosity that takes me over.

I had/have alot of subconscious thoughts that they weren't really my friends, that they were using me for their own personal gain. And that because the social side of myself is weak, I would allow myself to be suckered into dangerous situations for their own entertainment. Then when I pushed my early 'friends' away, then I just had bullies in school.

Also, one key problem too is I moved schools a ton. I got held back in kindergarten because young me didn't understand the concept of grades (lmao), then I skipped forward a grade from 4th grade to 6th grade because my grades were stellar. In middle school, I had to take a remedial English class, which separated me from my peers some. Then I switched schools again and ended up going to a new high school. Also switched colleges once too. All of the reasons for the switches were that I was academically stellar or my parents struggled financially to drive me to the other school. Or they put me in private schools, catholic, and me and catholics really REALLY don't mix well haha.

So for those that I considered my best friends, one got married and had a child early out of high school. I let my friendship with them go because I told myself they needed to focus on their kid and their career. Also, I felt kinda replaced as their 'friend' as they made some new friends soon after graduation. And two of my other friends I guess decided to commit crime and go to jail. One was a nerd that loved video games (valid), but decided to break the law against a woman that I was also acquittance with. He deserved it.

The other was alittle more different. Have you ever had a friend who was someone that you didn't really like, but they clung to you because they thought you were interesting genuinely, so you were the friend out of mutual respect? Like a two sided relationship, and you're the weaker of the two sides? He ended up moving away, got rich through the stock market, later moved again to Texas, then went to jail last I heard. Oof.

Lastly, my last 'friend' is kind of a small story. At one of the few jobs I was able to hold down, I made friends with a really awesome person who was gay. Tons of shared interests. Problem was, he wanted to be partners with me and I wasn't really having it. I'm good being friends, but I told him I'm only interested in fem. Well, he pursued me for a year, was a great friend, but he eventually gave up and we disconnected our friendship.

And I'm no saint. I have problems with over fascination of a certain feminine feature, that really taints my life. I keep to myself about it, and I beat myself up for enjoying such things. Oh how I long to be asexual again. I can't transcribe how much stress and anxiety it's given me though. So much grief... I blame society for my over fascination of it.

You nailed it. I'm a very proud person. I'm also conscientious, pragmatic, and empathetic. Because of my schooling, of feeling like I was from a different plant, and because my grades were so good, I put myself on a pedestal as a kid academically. But because I was also bullied, I also grew up feeling "less than".

I also won a competition in school for "most likely to succeed in life", and young me integrated that. So now I feel like I need to uphold their desire to see me push passed the glass ceiling. One of the quotes that I came up with and integrated during this time is, "When you stop moving forward, your effectively d***". I'm open to psychoanalysis of that
It originated from my parents, who got home from work, and never did anything with their lives. No fun, no games, just tv, food, and sleep. I hated the idea of that life, so I'm sure some part of that is integrated in me. A personal goal in my life is to find true value in life. Novel, interesting, insightful. Things that deeply touch me. Not manufactured, common. Eww. Yet I like taoism's philosophy. Even as a kid, I wasn't materialistic in nature. So maybe that comes into play some too.

Yep it's an art. I'm a heavy systems C++ programmer. I'm making video games (3D open-world handcrafted etc), books, art, music. Anything that tickles my fancy as novel, neat, inspiring. Though, I don't know how comfy I am releasing my work. Still in the fine tuning phase in regards to that. You know with the thoughts of, "better get excellent business insurance incase one of those patent trolls sues you". "Better document the process fully incase some troll tries to sue you." Protectionist stuff. But find a publisher you might be thinking! I don't trust them either lmao. XD I'm a no win game...

One of the key techniques that helped me alot is maybe kind of simple for many of you. When I do a task, I strongly want to have all the information with me on hand at all times. If I run into something I don't know, I stop what I was doing and scrap it.

Simple fix, I need to work and think like an artist! An artist isn't perfect on the first draft, neither do I! The key is to allow myself to come back to things and perfect, fine tune, paint over, fully mature the idea. Perfection ^.^ So my perfectionist past means I have strong fundamentals and foundations, and this new idea I'm integrating and habitualizing is really overhauling my work. It made creating less of a job, and more FUN!

___

I should say too, I focus alot of time on research and trying out new ideas too. Not just 'working', but exploring. Pushing the limits of what C++ programming can do. I love abstraction <3

Last edited by LunarFox on 17 Sep 2025, 7:17 am, edited 2 times in total.

One last thing I wanted to share, a thought my subconscious offered me. Growing up, the word genius was thrown around alot towards me. "I'm genius in one way, and hopeless socially teachers/professors often would say."

"You have extreme talent, but it's wasted on you," said one of my professors said as I slept through his theoretical math class, yet ace every test he had plus any 'bonus' questions he offered. I ended up finishing the class with a 106% lmao. Legit think the report showed An A++. Sorry, I find humor in this whole experience.

But anyways, I see two types of geniuses. There's one type of genius that just a walking encyclopedia. Ask them a question, and they know. Maybe they can do quick calculations in their head. Cool! But computers, internet, and now AI exist! imo they've been heavily overshadowed. My other type of genius is someone that can take in tons of information, and then package it up into novel yet meaningful, ideally really important reflections. For example, a scientist that is able to take in alot of factual information, then in their subconscious have a epiphany, thus coming up with competent hypothesises making them more likely to be creating much more meaningful work.

I wonder if that's what people see in me. The psychologist that diagnosed me with 'aspergers' went on a whole narrative about how I can pick hanging threads from a subject, and follow them to real logical conclusions. She said I could learn subconsciously without being taught. If true, sounds like genius. But then I laugh because I'm failing at life. How much of a genius am I really!

Thanks for coming to listen to my TedTalk as I yell into the electronic depth of the internet

___

For fun let me share a story, hope you enjoy it. I did have one in person job that I enjoyed, the people working were clearly a bit stir crazy, terrible pay. It was in retail and I was young. Super late night, no manager, closed. I'm talking on the phone taking a customers call, I turn to the side. One of my coworkers throws a pair of scissors angled towards the back of the store away from me, my (effectively team lead) has a rolled up wallpaper display as a bat, hits the scissors, shoots a massive hole through a hung up display hanging from the ceiling (4 story tall).

I absolutely lose my composure as this absolute display of absurdity. First, teamlead's need to act professional yet this team lead is kinda crazy. Second, the fact that he managed to hit the scissors with this make shift bat. Third, that this makeshift bat had enough of a punch to seriously send those scissors into a projectile. Fourth, that the scissors hit just right to punch through that hanging display. Massive hole right through the middle. Had to put the customer on hold for a moment, absolutely lost it laughing at the pure absurdity of the moment. I value professionalism, but I also value safe fun after an absolute barrage of customer abuse (No one was in line of the scissors, they made sure).

So I continue this call, and I get to watch the team lead and the coworker go on a massive tirade about needing to find a new display to hang up. Some how they passed it off and the store manager never noticed. This store didn't have cameras lmao.

Moral of the story, cameras are important for stopping petty theft, but also important for stopping coworkers from doing the most crazy stuff.

But seriously, I felt alive in that moment. It was weirdly magical. Trust me haha. I miss them. I hope they're doing well wherever they are...