I feel socially broken

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when all else fails go back to your goals.

I work in a non-inclusive hostile work environment. I am humiliated and spoken about behind my back. Apart from my direct family I have no friends.

But I reconcile this situation I find myself in by going back to my goals. For me:
Number 1 support family
Number 2 Keep my job to support family
Number 3 keep the peace at work to keep job
Number 4 find special interests to keep my sanity

Human beings are capable of thriving and can experience fulfilling lives in the worst conditions.

Not sure about "the worst" conditions. At least you have your family. But it's great that you are able to have a fulfilling life despite an extremely unpleasant situation at your job.

As for focusing on your goals, that works very well for some kinds of goals. Alas, there are other kinds of goals, such as finding a romantic partner, that become harder to fulfill if you focus on them too intently.

If we're doing some task I feel confident participating in. You'd think this might extend to talking about things I care about, but most of the time I don't value my opinions enough to want to share them.

I assume they become willing to ditch certain principles if they think the alternative is being alone. The desire to fit in has helped people rationalize horrible things. What's more, people do this for the most superficial of relationships.


I'm not sure what you're saying here. I struggle to trust people who have friends, and I struggle to trust people who easily trust others. It suggests a lack of awareness that makes me feel like it's not safe to be candid with them. They're not the exact same people, but there's some overlap.


No. That requires social energy and motivation I do not have.


Some things, yes. I play my cards close to the vest, because I trust no one to listen or respect what I have to say.


I don't relate to those people, I don't trust them since I trust no one, I do not feel like I belong with those people or anyone else. It would also be a very welcoming environment with people eager to be friends, so I would feel out of place, since belonging is not something I experience.
And, of course, there's the simple fact that some people who agree with me are jerks.


"I don't relate to those people, I don't trust them since I trust no one, I do not feel like I belong with those people or anyone else."
I'm out of place in such spaces. I feel like a dog at a fish convention. I don't have anything meaningful to say or contribute. I'm tired of trying to force myself to think otherwise. Besides, the possibility of someone trying to validate what I say just makes me feel numb. I don't trust anyone or anyone's judgment, so what's it matter?

(Sorry if I contradict myself. I'm not claiming to be terribly rational)

Do you have any hobbies that involve activities you've become good at? If so, have you ever tried participating in groups or events devoted to those hobbies?

Note: If you want me to stop questioning or challenging your statements here, feel free to say so and I will stop.

Indeed, many people have done horrible things just to fit in with their friends.

But what if their friends, or the groups they associate with, happen to be predominantly people with what you consider to be good values, at least for the most part? Surely that is possible too?


But surely there is a happy middle ground between being too trusting and being totally untrusting? Surely there is such a thing as being reasonably cautious and building trust gradually, giving people time to earn each other's trust? (Of course there are also some things one should never trust another person with, such as one's passwords.)


If you were ever to get involved in a political group or activity, you would not be required to share your views on every topic under the Sun. You would just need to focus on the specific things that the group stands for.


No need to trust them or feel like you belong, at least at first, if you simply share the goals and are willing to work toward them. Trust and belonging can grow gradually over time, if the group and its members (or at least some of them) turn out to be trustworthy. It takes time to get to know people, especially if you are autistic.


In my experience, left-leaning groups vary a lot as to how "welcoming" or "eager to be friends" they are. Are you worried that the group would go so far in trying to "welcome" you as to make you feel love-bombed? In my experience, that's much less common in left-leaning groups than in, say, evangelical churches.


Of course. Some of them are jerks, but not all of them are likely to be jerks.

Anyhow, it is certainly possible that political activism is NOT the best possible context for you to find friends. I hope you manage to find a better context, in that case.

In any case, I do hope you can, perhaps with the aid of your therapist, find a way to break out of some of your negative thought-loops about getting to know people, in whatever context you eventually choose to do so.

A little further back in this thread:

The point is to prevent your relationships with the afore-mentioned "friends and family" from dying due to a failure to address important interpersonal issues. If you would like this to stop happening, one of the things you need to do is to learn to be more assertive.

Your friends and family, if they really care about you at all, should be willing to negotiate with you about things that bother you, especially if those things are serious enough that you would even consider breaking off the relationship because of them.

Before I even respond to the various things, I just kind of want to contradict myself extensively. I am a very conflicted person. I argue with myself more than anyone else. So here are some positives:

- I am generally socially competent enough that I usually pass for NT

- I can still identify with *parts* of people. There's just usually too much other baggage for me to feel like they'd actually get me. To be fair, it's not easy to 'get' me when I actively distrust people and hide my feelings >.>

- I reach out when I am really vulnerable. I have a couple of work friends who are aware of some of my issues, but I keep them at arm's length as a general rule. I don't want to get attached to most people.

- I do sometimes stand up for myself. My last couple relationships were awful, but I taught myself how affirming it feels to stand up for myself. I avoid rationalizing appeasing others.

- I interact with like-minded people. I go to local game stores and play cards with people. I talk on online forums and the like. I have a retro video gaming blog that leads me to talk to other retro game fans.

- Sometimes social interaction goes well and I'm feeling good the rest of the day, and just generally much more optimistic. Yet other days I fixate on how pointless it feels.

- It's validating to get positive feedback from others, like y'all (when we aren't bickering over politics (<that's okay, that's what a politics forum is for ig)). I just got positive feedback from someone on a fan game I'm planning, and it just got me excited and optimistic and full of creative energy. Idk, it felt good, and I want to clarify I'm not all gloom and doom.

Thanks for the clarifications. They do help to put your other statements into perspective.

You're all right.


I struggle to trust even one person, so trusting more than one feels even less attainable. It's just more people to eventually reject or be rejected by.


Building up trust feels pointless when I feel like I need to be ready to drop someone at a moment's notice. I've known people for years who suddenly said or did shockingly awful things and would hear no criticism of it. I know most people would just voice their disapproval, but I don't feel like I can do that, so I just slowly phase people out.


I don't know. Something about it just doesn't feel me. I feel surrounded by passionate, active people, and I'm just depressed and indolent.
I wish I knew what to suggest as an alternative to activism, since I just don't feel like I belong anywhere with anyone.

Why on Earth do you feel like you "need to be ready to drop someone at a moment's notice"? Why not take your time processing these shockingly awful things? Seems to me it's better to "slowly phase people out," after first (1) verifying that they in fact said or did the shockingly awful thing that you think they said or did and then (2) making sure you understand the context.

Although I believe in being slow to trust people, I also believe in the principle of "innocent until proven guilty," and I believe in the Golden Rule. I don't like it when other people jump to extremely negative conclusions about me, based on distorted hearsay, or based on other misunderstandings. So, I try to refrain from jumping to extremely negative conclusions about other people too. Therefore, I believe in keeping an eye out for possible sources of misunderstanding.

There are situations where it is necessary to make quick decisions about other people. But there are also many situations are not like that. And, where possible, I'm a big believer in taking my time about making decisions about other people, whether pro or con.