Made To Feel Different

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Already during primary school (ages +- 6-12). Little things nobody could really explain what. I was just odd.
Somewhere at that time teacher asked me to find what I did different to become a target every time. "Be normal" but I had no idea. Nothing big enough, nothing obvious. School results ok so "just shy". They laughed because I played more with girls. I stopped (perfect timing, the moment they started... ah well...). They laughed with the way I talk. I stopped. Couldn't stop the way I walk but tried to be normal. They laughed because I was only one left to wait on playground for pickup... So walked home. That was bad. Walked to sister's school and waited. 'they' laughed but as far as I could go.

Parents tried to force me to socialize a bit but figured out that was not the way to go. Just shy is ok. Mother a bit sad I do remember a time-out for not being able to just say hi to a total stranger and refusing to do so. At home not much punishments (usual stuff) but that time I had no idea. Well sort off, they told me but I just couldn't do what they wanted. They tried, they were not psychologists, nobody really knew.

I was always in the lowest classes at high school. Well, apparently I was in the higher set for English because of my good spelling and punctuation skills - something I struggled with in elementary school but suddenly caught up with rather quickly, to the point where I was above average in spelling. Also my handwriting had improved drastically.

I remember when I was 5 and was at the age where we were all learning to write words other than our names, and I cried because I found it overwhelming and difficult. I kept fidgeting in my seat and just relied on the teacher's assistant to write the letters in a bright yellow marker so that I could just write over it. I liked doing that, as it was easy. But she began doing it less and less, and I panicked. And my spelling was atrocious. But I'm glad I suddenly improved in writing and spelling as I got older, because now I really love writing. I'm not very good at much, so I do sometimes show off my excellent spelling, not to brag but just because I have poor self-esteem so I need something about myself I can be pleased with.

But by age 6 I was settled very well in school and no longer had tantrums. I knew that school was a place for sitting still and learning, so I managed to learn how to sit still, although paying attention was very difficult.

It reminds me of the episode of The Simpsons in season 3 where Homer is about to take a bat and Mr Burns is telling him about the different hand signals he was going to be doing, and while he was gabbling away Homer was thinking "uh-oh, I don't understand a word he's saying...why don't he just let me bat? I wish I was just eating a delicious sandwich right now..." Then Mr Burns goes, "got that, Simpson?" and Homer replies, "yes, Sir!" And goes off to bat, absolutely clueless of what to do.
And that describes exactly how I was at school. I looked like I was paying attention and on board but really my mind had wondered off, wishing demands could just be more simple and straightforward.

It's the same in adulthood. I'm too "clever" for menial jobs, but too "dumb" to take on a career or business. I think what I'd really love to do is to just get paid money for doing creative things like designing front covers or something, but those sorts of jobs are easier said than done to come by. But it would be the most suitable job for someone with my mind. I'm very creative and have a big imagination, so doing a repetitive job like cleaning every day can generate feelings of boredom, depression and executive dysfunction. I often get into trouble at work for being more creative in my approach, which means that cleaning jobs aren't really what I should be doing. I have a friend with Downs syndrome and lower IQ than me, and she's been in the same job for nearly 20 years, stacking shelves in a supermarket, day in, day out, full-time as well. I once asked her if she ever got bored doing that, but she said she didn't, and that she'd be happy doing that 5-6 days a week until she's old. And she does it from 8 in the morning to 5 in the evening, Monday to Friday, and does every other Saturday mornings. But I don't think she feels emotions as strongly as I do, and I don't think she thinks so much. My mind is constantly full of chattering, images, colours, ideas, emotions, memories, everything you can think of. So just imagine all those thoughts wanting to get out through doing creative tasks and you're just stuck in a cleaning job.

I thought I was the only one like that. With me it's high range IQtests. I'm crap at so many things, and don't do well when it comes to common sense and practical intelligence. Like you I have low self esteem. I don't regard myself as depressed, apart from my mood dipping in autumn and winter, but do feel like a failure and worthless quite often. Doing quite well on those tests gives me a temporary boost. I say 'temporary' because sooner rather than later imposter syndrome rears its ugly head.

Sorry, maybe it can help you.

then I'll leave the thread

There are 8 types of depression.
Yours seems to coincide with SAD.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a form of depression influenced by reduced sunlight.
It happens differently to me because it worsens in summer and spring.
My depression is Bipolar II.
I've been diagnosed with a major disorder, but I think it's incorrect.
It's easy to misdiagnose.

I'll post a Korean study.
Scholars at Korea University enrolled 378 young people (under 35) who had been treated for a mood disorder for less than two years. They all completed questionnaires on bipolar disorder and seasonality. Alongside them was a control group of healthy people (235). Among the participants, 139 were diagnosed with major depression, 101 with bipolar I disorder, and 139 with bipolar II. All, compared to the control group, demonstrated a seasonal pattern in mood. With these peculiarities: people with major depression and bipolar I disorder were shown to suffer from SAD in 10 percent of cases, while those with bipolar II disorder suffered from SAD in 23 percent (compared to 6 percent in the control group). The Eastern scientists also found that those with bipolar I disorder were most affected by the seasonal depression of winter, while those with major depression were more affected by the good mood of summer.

^ Please stay on the thread. You help to make it a better thread. I have levelled out mood wise over time, compared to how I was when much younger. I had several courses of ECT when younger, antidepressants,lithium,MAOI. Nowadays I just swing between 'why are there so many stupid people on X' and 'I'm stupid compared to most people on X' . The latter much more than the former.
I do have one of those SAD lamps that I'll start using soon.

^
Excellent ECT, at least eight of our centers are innovative.
Electroconvulsive therapy has a lower impact than it did years ago.

Be careful with antidepressants; they must be chosen based on specific blood markers.
It's not the same for women. Their hormonal system cannot be the same as that of men. The drugs weren't tested on women, but now they are.
But some work better on women.

It's not the same at all for autistic people.
The choice of artificial light is excellent.
The old lithium is unpatented, I believe, but it performs very well.
MAOIs are careful with the foods you ingest: always ask your specialist doctor, he will give you a precise list.
They are difficult to handle.
Precision medicine exists.
It can understand and resolve many cases.
Get regular blood tests and endoscopic scans, based on medical advice.
* Always consult a medical specialist; trust only doctors.*
Never follow online ideas, as they are misleading.
There is excellent work being done on transcranial stimulation and precision medicine, and on new drugs.

Yes I felt singled out a lot.

I struggled majorly in school partly due to my autism & also partly due to having other issues some of which were comorbids of autism. I received a bit of services in school related to dyslexia, speech therapy, & some kind of physical therapy to work on my motor-skills.
I was bullied alot in elementary school. There were a bit of double standards where if someone did something to me my teachers said it was friendly teasing but I got punished if I did it back or when someone lied saying I did it to them. Bullies lied about me & my teachers automatically assumed that I was the one who was lying when I said I didn't do it. When I tried to talk about things my classmates & my teachers thought I was too dumb to possibly know what they were talking about but when I got in trouble they believed that I was smart enough to know better than to do whatever it was I did or what they thought I did. Some of my various habits were considered disruptive like talking to myself/mumbling/making noises while daydreaming.

I felt like my mom was very critical of some of my various habits like the way I ate. Mom & others assumed I was complaining when I tried asking questions to understand various things or asking questions because I wanted to know what plans were because I had a need for routine & predictability. My mom has often accused me of being demanding, lazy, selfish, & manipulative. When me & her had fights/arguments she sometimes threatened to kick me out, put me up for adoption, or send me to military school or juvi.

I don't fully conform to any stereotypes or groups & different people can have opposite opinions of me. I gnerally like to go my own way & do my own thing.

I always felt singled out in grade school. My peers didn't want anything to do with me. There was this one boy who was in my regular class for 5 years in a row. He was a real monster towards me.

I had a girl at school who was a real b***h to me too. We were best friends when we were 7, but as soon as my diagnosis was blabbed out to everyone in the class she became disgusted by me and bullied me ever since. She took my other best friend away from me and turned her into a b***h too, and everyone else seemed scared of her. I think she was a bit of a narcissist, or maybe she might have had some social issues herself but tried to cover it up by acting all hard (even though she was a wimp) and picking on me. She was lucky, she didn't have a label tied around her neck (metaphorically speaking). It really does cramp your style when you're a kid. I hated being different but I couldn't really run from it because I was too widely known by my diagnosis. I hated, hated, hated it.

You've done so many good things for yourself.

I would strongly support precision medicine: because it can solve your problems.
As for staying in the thread, I honestly have a hard time staying in the forum right now.
No one has anything to do with it.
The forum is beautiful.
But being on it stresses me out: I feel like I'm trapped inside.
I don't know what will happen in a few days about this.
§
Many here have written about bullying.

The point is that in our country, as in many other countries, laws exist to protect children.

Teachers just don't enforce them.

In the case of legitimate families and if there's no help from the schools, and dialogue about the matter doesn't occur, you can file a complaint by first asking a lawyer to write a cease-and-desist letter to the school principal.

Because he or she would risk losing that role and suffering serious consequences, among other things.

For autistic people: they often don't immediately understand if they're being bullied because it happens gradually.

Or they don't infer what other people think, so they have a deficit that others, if they're bastards (excuse the rude word), will use to your disadvantage, or in this case, to the detriment of your children.

There are ways to defend yourself, indeed.

It was different before, and in my case, I warned the teachers.

They didn't do anything: it's just that if you're like 10 years old, you don't count for anything.

And if your parents aren't informed of the situation, it's a very serious problem.

Which then devastates the lives of those who survive it.


Two kids recently committed suicide.

One boy out of 12 years old.

Because he was considered "feminine," and a girl of the same age because no one did anything, despite reports to the authorities, no one did anything.

Now: those who did nothing will pay the consequences.

But two boys are no longer alive.

I didn't even know I had dyslexia or AD[H]D till my parents found out about a school for dyslexia when I was in the middle of 6th grade. I knew I had major issues since kindergarten but I didn't know why. I had kind of thought that ret@rd was an official mental diagnose for me since my nickname at elementary school was Tarded Boy. I didn't know about autism till after I graduated high-school when my mom told me she thought I had Aspergers since I was a toddler. My parents didn't think a diagnoses would of changed anything since I was already supposed to be getting all the possible accommodations at school for my other diagnoses. Plus our health insurance s#cked & would not of paid for anything related to mental except for general practitioner docs & meds. I felt singled out due to my issues but didn't really understand why I was having issues.

Having a couple physical disabilities on top that others didn't really understand made my mental issues even worse.

If a kid today has all my issues & also has all the diagnoses that I didn't have as a kid but got when I became an adult, they would likely have private tutors provided or be sent to special schools instead of going to mainstream schools & being expected to learn the same material the same way as typical students.

My parents were informed & had a bit of meetings with my teachers & principles but it didn't matter because the administration insisted I was the bully. One time in 6th grade I had a fight with a bully & he told the teacher I grabbed his crotch. Looking back it is possible that I might have accidentally brushed against it during the fight but I would NOT have intentionally done that. My dad had to have a meeting with the principle the next morning. My dad asked her if there were any witnesses & she said I really don't think he would lie. She basically meant that she believed I was lying because I kept insisting I did not do that. My dad got quiet after that. The principle talked about how I needed counseling to learn about inappropriate touches. But then she started talking to me about how I need to tell when I'm being bullied. I'm wondering what is the f#cking point of telling on a bully if the bully will automatically be believed over me by default It is possible that my parents were open to considering that I had really done that but after seeing how I was being railroaded they gave me the benefit of the doubt & I was not punished or sent to counseling. Shortly after that my parents found out about the school for dyslexia & I started going to that school. I suddenly went from being considered a major bully to being well liked by my teachers. Unfortunately that school only went up to 8th grade so I had to go to a high-school with regular kids but I received accommodations & was not majorly bullied & my teachers didn't really complain about my behavior.

^^
ou give me the impression of having a high IQ, certainly not that of a mentally ret*d person.

You write logically and well.

Despite your difficulties, you have dyslexia.

By the way, there are specific programs available online, if I'm not mistaken, to help dyslexics.

§
So ADHD is also a terminology that's been foisted on everyone.

Maybe it doesn't correspond to a coherent diagnosis.

§
ADHDs are different.
Some are very severe, with many levels of intensity.

I've only met one child with severe ADHD.

Many people have other forms of ADHD comorbid with autism.

Then it varies from child to adult.

What's missing—and you're an example of this, but so am I—is early, accurate diagnoses.
§
My dysorthography has gotten worse.

And I often have to correct myself. Keep in mind that I lack dialogic thinking; I think in images.

In practice, I always have to translate what I think many times.

But I do it very quickly.

Except that thoughts, so to speak, are much faster, and you can never even write down a tenth of them.

Relax: you communicated very well.

The sentence about not understanding what I had is very clear to me.

I didn't understand it either.

And I had an advantage: in my family branch, there were a lot of autistic people.

But it didn't seem clear to me that I could be autistic.

Then, later, you understand things because you study them or meet capable people.

*I'm sorry about your physical disabilities!

And also for the fact that an important part of your existence has been taken away from you.

I understand that very well.

Sorry if I wrote that you seem very intelligent to me.
But it's my perception, not a judgment: I know it might be annoying.

I'm sorry if I wrote something that you find inappropriate.

I was certainly made to feel different after I got diagnosed.