Feeling the Urge to Find Love

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It's been a while since I updated this, it seems.
Well, I haven't found love...yet. But, I might've made a new friend. I started talking to a woman recently on FB. We share a lot of interests. It's been a little quiet lately but that's fine.
But, a new problem arises. I recently learned about and found out that I have an "avoidant attachment" style. In other words, when things get a little too close, I tend to push people away for fear of being vulnerable. It killed my last relationship. I don't want it to happen again to this new friendship. Hopefully, mindfulness and therapy sessions will guide me through this newfound relationship. Who knows, we might actually meet soon and it could go well.

^me too

I have an anxious-avoidant style as well!! !

I HATE having to be vulnerable!

11/10 update
Well...the relationship failed. She texted me informing me that she was going to see another guy. Denied!
Was I hurt? Not really, I wasn't too attached. So, back into the pool I go...
I was literally getting NO matches, much sadness...
I was about to give up...until I got a surprise dm
It was the woman I was talking with before. Well! Plot twist! She chose me!!
And she has become CRAZY for me! We have texted for a total of around 24 hours up to this point (space?)
We haven't met and it's already getting a little serious. Yes, I am battling limerence but I can't help it
First date soon

11/12 Update

I returned home from my first meet-up with my new girlfriend. I'm confident in calling her that based on how our conversations have gone up to this point. We met at Starbucks on the morning of her birthday. I am having some feelings for her mainly because she's my only option right now. And we have sooo much in common and we are quite empathetic towards each other. She might be a bit clingy since we have spent all of her free time talking. Not a terrible thing but I do value some space.

I wouldn't exactly call this a date.. she has been a little hesitant but it was just a friendly meeting to introduce each other formally. Since it was her birthday and I am hoping to work my way up the ladder a peg, I decided to buy her a small birthday gift. She loves coffee, so, I bought her a little coffee mug. Imprinted on the mug was a message, "It's official, you're awesome." And the inside was a dark blue. Guess what? It turns out, blue is her favorite color. 1 point for the good guy! And she liked it so much that we shared our first hug.

After spending 90 minutes talking outside, to avoid overwhelming noises inside, we departed. We did share one last hug and went our separate ways. (edit: I realized this makes it sound like a break-up of sorts...but it's not.)

From my perspective, it could not have gone any better. I groomed myself, showered and brushed my teeth aggressively, wore a new button up shirt and clean jeans. It gave me the confidence to avoid overthinking everything and I stayed engaged the entire time. Trying not to overdo the eye contact and the looking away that I tend to do. I felt human for the first time in my life.

What's next? Working my way up to asking her for a date. No rush, but I think I am prepared to enter this relationship.

Merry (almost) Christmas! 12/18 update

Our friendship is still strong

We have been texting almost nightly at this point. With her initiating a lot of the conversations. And she has made more of an effort to see me lately. Since the last post, we have met several times during the day. All of our meetings have been nothing short of fun. We give each other friendly hugs and I even went for a friendly kiss on the cheek on my birthday. We have had the talk and she has made it clear that she isn't ready to sleep with me just yet. But she is open to more acts of intimacy. I have anxiety problems so, naturally, I'm kind of scared to make moves even though the signs are there. I am just more respectful and consider consent. I know women like spontaneous acts sometimes but that always makes me think it'll screw things up. Of course, my overthinking mind assumes the worst but, truly, I have nothing to worry about. The texts she has shared suggest it will be on the table soon.

So, now, things get tricky for me. Christmas week is around the corner and she will be home alone. She has hinted at the possibility of inviting me over after a trip to the beach with her dog. I would hate for her to spend Christmas alone. If I am able to get into her house, that's when I will truly be tested. I will not pressure her in any way but I would at least like to bond with her emotionally in some way. Whether it's sitting together to a movie or having a deep talk that leads to something else. I have feelings for this woman and I feel like she has some for me but just hasn't quite warmed up to me just yet.

For an alien like me, this is new territory to explore. I have never been this close to a woman, emotionally speaking. And I am not quite sure I can navigate this situation. All I need to do is just be myself and I will be fine, right?

I feel it too but is hard to find.

Merry (belated) Christmas! 12/26 update

After spending the morning with family, I left to go to her house to spend the entire day with her. The family and I already had our celebrations and dinner this past weekend and I didn't want to leave my girlfriend alone on this day. The day was nothing short of fun. I kept myself grounded the entire time, kept myself locked onto her the entire time, trying not to drift mentally like I am prone to doing, and I wasn't nervous for a single minute when I was around her. We went out to get coffee, walked down to the beach and then we went to a packed Chinese buffet for a most unique Christmas dinner.

Back at her place now and we're cozied up on the love seat watching TV, chatting and playing with her dog who was big and really full of energy. The mood was just right and I still wasn't feeling nervous at all. The night comes to an end and we're giving each other our usual hug and we each gave a peck on the cheek. I felt the mood was right and, without overthinking, I asked for a "mistletoe kiss" and, despite the best efforts by her dog to ruin the moment, we did! It was just a peck on the lips but we still shared our first kiss!

No rumination on the way back home, just felt pure dopamine. It has worn off now and I am thinking back to some slightly awkward moments on my end, because I can be a bit awkward still, but I had no problem just being myself and I think she doesn't mind me being myself. So I just need to keep being me and let whatever happens happen.

This alien is feeling quite blessed right now

I kind of feel like I'm stuck and unsure of what to do right now. And a brief lull in texting has caused me to briefly spiral back into my old ways. This is why the urge can be dangerous for a guy in recovery like myself..

We hadn't texted in over 24 hours, which is rare for us, but that time was enough for me to develop these anxious feelings. I have OCD and always catastrophize everything. This is a bad sign and I do not want to become dependent on anyone for validation. At the same time, it left me thinking if she really is attracted to me at all. She really likes me as a friend and, when we go out, all of her reactions seem genuine and sincere. We got close on Christmas and even shared a brief kiss. However, it doesn't feel like she's warming up to me yet and I keep ruminating over this, thinking I am to blame. I'm a nice man, maybe too nice..

I chose to initiate a chat tonight and we did talk for a few hours. We also agreed to meet for dinner soon. So, everything is okay? Am I overreacting?

The usual issue here is attraction. You met her on a dating app so the usual understanding is that you and she are candidates to be romantic partners. Since then, she's shown interest in maintaining contact with you and she agreed to kiss you. So she seems to enjoy your company, but the remaining question might be if she only thinks of you as a platonic friend. If that's the case, she's not being honest with herself if she assumes that you see the situation in that way, and it would be wrong of her to lead you on. In dating, usually if the woman feels no attraction on the first date, then she won't continue contact. Unfortunately, the tradition is that women expect men to "initiate" which basically means you need to "make a move". The usual way this is done is to try to make out with her when you and she are alone. I can't guarantee she'll respond positively however you seem to have gotten to the point in time when you need to do it, however that turns out.

^but don't you have to have consent from the other party if you want to kiss them?

Then again, kissing (and $ex!! !) on a first date shouldn't be done at all!

Why?

2 reasons: it creates attachment too early in the dating stage & it makes it harder to undo or revert the relationship back to the state it was in before intimacy corrupted it

You see this a lot in TV shows where the characters have their first date then suddenly are making out then...bedroom fun

That is NOT the normal pace of relationship progression!! !

David and I certainly did kiss on our first date BUT we waited at least 3 or more months for $ex!! !

"Unfortunately, the tradition is that women expect men to "initiate" which basically means you need to "make a move"."

As it turns out, this is correct.. How do I know? I just got told so tonight, basically, by my gf.

This is where I begin to ruminate and think I am just awful at everything again. My OCD and anxiety are driving me CRAZY right now.

So, today began with a surprise. She initiated a chat with me this morning and I mentioned that I was getting coffee before running errands. She wanted to join me and so we met for coffee. After going shopping together for about 30 minutes, we both left. As usual, she reached out to hug me and I gave her a friendly kiss on the cheek, no questions asked.

During out chat earlier tonight, she told me how surprised she was at that. And she told me that asking for permission to kiss, like I did at Christmas time, makes it feel "forced and scripted" and that I SHOULD be more spontaneous. Then, she gave me the ol' "I like hanging out with you as a friend, getting to know you better" line that I'm used to seeing.

Now this is where the rumination and anxiety just destroy me...I keep thinking back on moments when I COULD have tried something. But, I always fear negative responses. My mind is ALWAYS on guard like this. I can't seem to break the cycle long enough to just try something. She told me that she isn't afraid to tell me if she doesn't like something so what do I have to lose?

But I am not going to force anything. I'm going to keep playing it slow and if I sense that it is a good moment then I will move in...

At the same time, we've recognized that this kind of emotional and intellectual intimacy is good right now. And I have no problem using words to get into her head and vice versa.

So, as month 3 nears for us, my strategy is to crawl like a tortoise out of the friend zone. If I move like a scared hare, like I have, then I might lose it all..