The Inherent Loneliness of Autism

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If you haven’t given up on a romantic relationship, why would you give up on having kids? Neurodivergence has nothing to do with the reproductive system. And once you succeed in overcoming the challenge of securing a romantic relationship, particularly if it’s early enough in life for your partner to be able to have kids, there’s no reason to give up on the latter.

Some people just are not interested in having chidren ... And being on your own sometimes turn out to be a great opportunity to grow in oneself, I think

It doesn’t seem like he’s excited about this. Rather, it sounds more like he’s resigned to being childless but wants a romantic relationship nonetheless.

If you haven’t given up on a romantic relationship, why would you give up on having kids? Neurodivergence has nothing to do with the reproductive system. And once you succeed in overcoming the challenge of securing a romantic relationship, particularly if it’s early enough in life for your partner to be able to have kids, there’s no reason to give up on the latter.[/quote

I have zero interest in having kids. That is the last thing I want.

My husband has had children from a previous marriage and isn't fussed about having any more. While I did become broody for a time, I'm starting to accept now that I shall not be having any children, because of my fear of viruses and fears of all the pain, mess and ailments that comes with pregnancy and childbirth. I'm hypersensitive to pain and I have endometriosis too.

Having a relationship and getting married isn't only to have children. If both parties aren't planning on having any children then that's okay. I prefer pets.

As a man, I’m not in a position to dismiss your concerns about pain and everything else associated with pregnancy and childbirth, though for most ladies out there the desire of motherhood seems to outweigh these fears.

What I don’t understand, however, is the preference for pets over human kids (even adopted ones, if pregnancy & childbirth are an issue). 20 years down the road a child will have become young adult, making you proud with his or her academic and other accomplishments, and a couple of years later make you a grandparent. A pet, on the other hand, remains a pet over its entire lifetime that usually doesn’t span much more than that, and eighteen years later it will most likely have been euthanased and possibly replaced. That’s the key difference.

Well yes but I'll only pass autism down on to my kids anyway, just like 99% of women on the spectrum seem to. My autistic children might have profound autism where they require care all their lives and highly dependent on me. My mother wouldn't be 6 feet under now if I hadn't been the way I am. I caused her so much stress growing up (and I'm not even a profound autistic) that she contracted cancer and died. Her siblings haven't contracted cancer, and their children are all NTs. So some heartbreaking correlation lies somewhere.

Not necessarily...

You can always see a professional and get diagnosed again if that helps!

I think it is impossible to say

I used to think I would adopt one day. That is, I thought I would be travelling and meet a kid who needed an adult and that would be that.

Now I am not sure.

As for romantic love, I think (as unhelpful as it is) things happen or they don't. Connection happens or it doesn't. That is as far as I have been able to observe.

I've read the first post, and skimmed the rest of them, just wanted to wish you luck. Have felt lonely for a lot of my life too, all friends slowly drifting away as the years pass, just my partner and two kids. Small family beyond (although larger her side).
My first child was born a few months after my fortieth birthday. Being an autistic parent of autistic children is definitely challenging. I regret not knowing about autism in their earlier years. A lot of my expectations of how being a parent would be were blown away and I didn't handle it well. We're getting better though as a family. Most days at least two of us will be upset over something or other. Whether that's mild low-level upset (and bottled up, me) or screaming/crying rage (the children, not me), but we're handling it much better now.
Sometimes I feel sad for selfish reasons, because of what I can't do, how I feel trapped to the home more, less freedom as a parent.
Sometimes I'm sad out of fear for the challenges they'll encounter in life. Frustrated that they often shut me down if I try to talk to them about anything. The youngest is very direct in that way. They have more fun with their mum than me, I don't often think of fun things to do, unless it's something I find fun - which unfortunately they're less keen. But they love a bit of rough n tumble play fighting and chasing which I also enjoy to some degree, but they small one loves to just whack me when he passes. If I'm not expecting it he'll get an angry reaction. There's more good than bad. We're trying to let them be themselves and play and enjoy childhood. It's a difficult balance, because we want them to enjoy the things we value too, want them to enjoy the outdoors, walks in the woods (which they do), but getting them to want to, dragging them off devices/screens/games can be a tough battle.

Yes, which is why I sometimes feel depressed about the fact that I don't or won't have children. My fears, anxieties and avoidance of pregnancy are abnormal compared to other women, otherwise if everyone felt the same then humanity wouldn't exist. It's what overthinking does, and I am an overthinker. Sometimes being an overthinker makes me sensible and safe from danger, but other times it can make me miss out on things too. To me pregnancy is a form of danger.
But at the same time I want others to join me in my world of being a non-parent and I can become jealous or depressed when people close to me suddenly announce they're pregnant. Yes I know it may sound selfish of me but I can't help it. I don't let them know I'm feeling that way though, as I don't want to make them feel dragged down by my insecurities.

I remember when my sister first announced she was pregnant, it was the day I was hoping would never come. I just didn't want that change to occur in the family, as we'd not long lost our mother and I got close to my aunt, but I don't see or get to speak to my aunt much now because she's very demanded upon to babysit the little one (who is now one and a half and is a bit of a handful). This was what I feared would happen once my sister has a baby, and is what I fear might happen if others my age in my family decide to also join the parent club. I can't help but feel a bit lost these days, as while I'm independent and capable of looking after myself I still long for a bit of support from people close to me. My husband is ill with an unknown skin condition so I have to look after him now and don't often get to see my family much, and when I do it's mostly taken up with attention-demanding little ones. Don't get me wrong, I love my niece, she's growing into a beautiful little toddler, but I do miss having more time from my aunt and being able to see my sister as a childless woman like myself.

Sorry, I've gone off-topic I think. I've even forgotten which thread this is.

I had the ADD label slapped on me at about 5, I was in special ED until about 4th grade. Everyone knew I was weird and off but did not know why. Mind you this was the late 1980s-Early 1990s. As I got a little older and got into JR high all hell broke loose, while I was tolerated in elementary school in JR I was so hated by most people. To this day at 45, I think I still suffer trauma from the experience.

Also at home, I think I always had some kind of paranoia because I was always getting corrected or just yelled at for everything. As time went on, it seemed if I even breathed wrong it was an issue, it was always " what did I do now?".

In my 20s and even now people were always dismissive of my feelings and wants. I think if I had a diagnosis early my life would have been different, maybe I would be doing something more than working in a warehouse and maybe I'd actually have friends, I don't know.

I am seeing a counselor now but don't have a diagnosis as of yet.

For late-diagnosed autistics like us... loneliness is the human condition...

Sure, I greatly dislike people of my age in my country. But I still very, very much want a Romantic Relationship, just like the Original Poster. And it is such a distant goal for me.

To be alone..... I can tolerate being alone.... After all, it is what I have been subjected to for the entirety of my life. From my mother and father being mostly absent due to work, to not being able to connect whatsoever to college classmates, everyone seems a distant concept to me, optional NPCs in life. It has become background babble to me; a natural constant; a certainty of life here.

I recognize, painfully, that I will never get a boyfriend if I isolate myself so. I am trying to accumulate more capital so I can go to the US and meet those who are much closer to me in terms of psychology and past-life experiences, as well as in hobbies, abilities, and special interests.

My primary impediment in this regard is funds. I don't have enough of the green, wrinkly papers that have numbers on them. I must, and I will, get more of the stuff so I can fly to the US and Western Europe. If only I had been born there.... ah..... what would I NOT sacrifice for that to be the case.... My left leg + 3/4ths of my member's length? Deal!

Alas.... that is not how the world works, so work I shall. I will either get there, or die in the process. I will tolerate NO OTHER ending for my life.

I feel you brother. It hurts. It is hard to swallow the realization in a mans middle ages that he might be alone for the rest of his life.

The way you talk, you seem to have alot of hope. You seem like you can at least act 'normal'. I am not able to do that. I keep falling into the "That guy is weird, I dont understand what hes saying." situation. Or dont try to act normal, and focus on meeting people in environments with the autism theme. Maybe you just have not met people because you were not around people like you. I bet you dont have as much problems as you think you do, and just wait for someone as cool as you.

Also I heard that cologne, a nice shirt, and a smile is like a cheat code. Something alot of autistic guys forget about in all their thoughts.

It's just the smile.

Practice different kinds of those.

(For the first two you can substitute "clean" )