Masking: what is it exactly, and what’s wrong with it?

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Hello,

I'm a recently diagnosed (at 40) autistic female. Like many of you .. I always knew something was different. I always felt like an outsider looking into a house window... not left out really. Just. Not belonging. Masking was partly taught but...

I do think neurotypicals do the equivalent of masking too. Nobody is totally their authentic self to everyone all the time. It exhausts them as well.. especially the introverts.

I work in financial services and it is an extremely performative environment. As you are very successful you are allowed more .. quirks.

So... why is it different for us? Is it more tiring? I mean. I get everyone wants to be accepted for who they are but if everyone was totally themselves... society would stop functioning. Like brushing teeth.. Masking... cracking jokes.. reading the room.. even making people feel comfortable and happy are really just a bunch of habits that take practice.

Not trying to be inflammatory or put anyone else's perspectives down. Just genuinely unsure why Masking is bad, unusual or... even what the alternative is?(will it really be better to be known as a kind ... grouch? )

I think there is 'masking' that is perhaps an exaggeration of naturally occurring social or emotional tendencies and 'masking' that is a complete (learnt) restructuring of physical and social responses.

The former I think is widespread. It is cultural. It may function as a social lubricant.

The latter is absolutely crushing, physically and cognitively.

I don't know what is happening neurologically in either case. I'm not sure whether they represent a spectrum or constitute qualitatively different processes.

I also can do the former.
Had also observed on how I ended up influencing certain people to do as I do.
Some of it I really do not like. Like yapping too much. Because it's unproductive and doesn't really help. It's a trait from my too extroverted mother. Along with other messy crap, really, and other misaligned crap.

I barely met someone worthy of emulating.
Barely met anyone who I wanted to be closer to be as. No idols or heroes for me to copy.

Closest I wanted to be, in whatever kind of person I had internalized to something I thought to be worthy are, well, not very compatible when you're in a body of a too emotionally and hormonally volatile female body...
I've yet to figure how to actually manage that before I ever progress, which I barely able to since puberty ever happened.



Yet...
My survival instinct is very much chronically fight. There's no fawning in there, only held back cognitively by the illusion of flight or freeze.
Without holding myself back by either conscience or worrying for someone, it'll result in spiteful aggression.

And only way I can redirect the whole thing away was towards myself; which also doesn't help anyone, only to prevent a worse reaction if I did not under a dysregulated state.

It's impossible for me to mask and pass in this state.
Thus at first, I did not understand nor relate to autistics who masks and why they do it other than just shame or guilt or whatever externally imposed crap that made someone feel inferior or unworthy.
Really cannot genuinely understand why couldn't just kids getting bullied just punch back? Or the thought of walking alone at night and getting creeped out would make someone more or less helpless?

Turns out my natural fight or flight is full on fight to a point I had genuinely thought most people tend to worry ever more than I ever will be.
And trying to relate as someone with chronic fight with, well, basically communities whose main discourse are tendencies to fawn, freeze, and flee are... Caused me with so much doubt in what even applies to me as an autistic.

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I look at it as a tool to get things.

The problem is we in order to get these things have to do it more intensely and much much more often. This leads to exhaustion and burnout which cruelly makes it harder to keep the mask on and meltdowns which can undo years of effort.

The worst part is it leads to losing your ability or confusion about who you really are.

The above could cause a number of mental illnesses.

There is no easy answer, it’s a minefield. I would advise to remind yourself this is not you, it’s a tool you are using to gain something.

Easier said then done but if you feel that mask slipping or about to slip take step back and be it stimming or a quiet room do what you need to do.

I'm new this for the most part. I realized I am autistic a few weeks ago. It all makes sense and I relate to all of it. I crash every night for the most part. My sensory pain is just my head feeling like a bell that is being hit with a hammer. With the rings bouncing through my head. If I'm over extending myself it adds up and all my energy just disappears. I do script a lot. I do Mirror also. I don't like eye contact I noticed that yesterday. I've gone through life feeling like an alien now I realize I'm wired different. I'm listening to brown noise all day at work now. That helps to block out the noise coming from the sales and scheduling room. It's a learning experience for sure. I didn't realize the performance I was putting on just to get through the day. I'm not going to hide my stims they aren't that obvious. I was acting very weird yesterday at work. That is how I stim when I get stressed. No one hear knows that that is a stim. I'm making adjustments and stopping the masking where its safe to. I'm feeling better and worse. My brain knows I know what I am now and the dissociating has started to lift causing me problems at the supermarket. Google AI told me that would happen. I guess if you don't know what you are at first your brain tries to protect you as long as it can. Then you watch a video that is about you on autism and your mind is blown. All I can do is to push through it.

I masked for 30 years of my life to protect myself and in order to feel like a part of my family and the community. I was born in British Columbia, Canada under a British last name so I played the stereotypical Anglo-Canadian for 30 years when my parents told my sister and I about our heritage. My Great Grandpa was Scottish and my Great Grandma was English. It wasn't until a year later that I found out that I also had Irish and German in me. Anything that anyone mentioned about Germany was a trigger for me to act even more British.