What if I, intentionally, wrote the worst book of all time?

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It's also adapted for film

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8InFnyZ7zI[/youtube]

Mark and Jenny were walking down the road when they were shot at by government snipers. They survived by digging a hole and hiding in it until the snipers were gone, and they were about to go home when they found a map leading to Australia. Jenny said, "We should go to Australia because the snipers will try to kill us more here." Mark nodded and they went to Australia by taking a plane to Australia.
When Mark and Jenny arrived in australia there were a few more snipers but it was okay because they were tired and couldn't snipe well enough to kill them. They bought a map of Australia but Jenny noticed that the two maps looked different and said "These two maps look different." Mark nodded and then saw a poster with something that looked like the map they found in the hole in it but he was abducted.
Jenny got some ice-cream to eat and spade so they could dig for treasure but the maps were stolen by a dog and she had to chase it, narrowly dodging a stream of bullets. Meanwhile, Mark was being tortured by the government of Australia for information about the maps but the government psased out due to radiation exposure. He found some lego in the kitchen and used it to make a key to help him escape from being chained to the wall.
The dog turned out to be a killer robot and started shooting at Jenny, but Jenny found a gun and started shooting it back and got the maps back too. Mark went out of the government building and found Jenny, and Jenny said, "I ate your ice-cream and now we should dig for stuff." Mark nodded and started digging. Soon afterwards they found an underground spaceship over which Australia formed.
The aliens asked Mark if he knew anything and he nodded, so the aliens probed Mark's brain for information and asked Jenny what they knew. Jenny told them about the map but not about the dog and Mark had a seizure because of the probe, and Jenny euthanised him, and as the aliens got angry, she dug upwards to escape the ship.
The aliens followed her by flying out of the hole and she shot one of them but it became a bullet and she tried to shoot it again but the bullet bounced off the alien as it was now a bullet. Jenny knew there wasn't enough time to get a plane back before the aliens killed her but then she remembered something. She found the dead robot-dog just as the aliens were catching up and used it to get home.

How's that for an attempt?

I'd start with a title like this one...



And, yes, it really did get published, by an author who got paid for writing it.

Wikipedia link to plot summary

Sadly, there was a title change and mass change of all occurrences in the text from -- ahem -- to "Wannek" once the American author and his editors found out what a certain word meant "across the pond." Apparently it was news to them. Which isn't all that surprising. Vonnegut's Kilgore Trout had more than a bit of truth added to the stereotype re: SF authors of the 50s and 60s.

Funny thing is, Vance has written a few books that've been well-reviewed. But I don't know that this was one of them.

when i was a child and i was asked to write essays or stories, i often would detail the most irrelevant aspects, and completely ignore the important aspects of what i should say. i got into trouble sometimes because of it, so i eventually became defiant and i exaggerated my lack of attention to the important aspects in what i wrote.

an example of my intentional lack of attention to the important aspects of situations (in defiance to the teachers) is my response to the question "what happened on the first day of your holidays?" in year 8. we had to write about it. this is roughly what i wrote:


"on the first day of my holidays there was a stuck door knob and dad got WD40 and sprayed it and then it worked.

afterwards, mum took some saucepans out of the cupboards and put them on the table and then she put lunch in them and cooked them on the stove.

then mum and dad ran outside. i ran outside too. then we drove into town and then we sat in a room for a long time and i read some magazines which were stupid. when we got out of the room dad drove home with me and mum in the car as well.

mum went to bed when we got home and she did not cook dinner because she left it in the fridge and then i watched tv and after that i still watched tv and then i went to bed.".

what really happened (in very condensed form) is that me and my mother and father went to our property in the country, and it took hours to get into the farm house. we had just finished lunch, and we heard a loud crash outside, and we ran out to see what it was, and it was a horse of ours that had fallen over (they are not usually allowed into the house paddock, and we left the gate open so they were excited and frolicking around).

the horse stumbled back up to it's feet, but it looked extremely lame, and so dad hooked up the horse float to the car, and the horse was able to stagger into it, and we drove it to the vet in the nearest town (country vets deal with livestock too). we waited for ages to hear whether the horse had to be put down. it did have to be put down, and my mother was distraught, and she went to bed in tears as soon as we got home, and dad was in their bedroom as well for hours, and that was about 6pm, and i watched TV for another 4 hours and went to bed.

so you can see that the story i wrote for the teacher was an irrelevant skeleton of what actually happened.

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another type of writing i used to give teachers the "urge to go to the toilet", was a different way of excluding relevance. i liked to use brackets very much, and sometimes i would nest short sentences 3 or 4 brackets deep, and i would lose track of what i began to say, and the teachers did not like it and i did not like that the teachers were annoyed, so i decided to annoy them with exaggerations of what they were annoyed about..

in year 5, we went on a school excursion around sydney harbour, and we disembarked at historically significant sites where we were shown old buildings and stuff, and we had to write about what we experienced the next day. i still have the paper that i wrote from then, and this is what i wrote in response to "describe your day exploring our history around the harbour".

"i got on the ferry(an 821b(not originally designed for the mass market(due to it’s high running costs(because of the type of fuel used(not designed for octane enhancement(due to the lack of adjustability of the timing chains(double linkage(untwisted(in a bidirectional way(similar to a bracelet(with two entwined linkage points(unsoldered)))))))))))) on monday and it was fun."
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i would like to write the story and script for a movie that is entirely riveting and enthralling, and has the audience intensely engaged as the story unfolds. i would like to have the critics and audience alike licking their lips thinking "i can not get enough of this". i want them to hang on every subtle development of the storyline, and then have a scene (at about 1h40m) which calls for the entire cast to be in the same place at the same time (like a wedding or public gathering), and then have a completely unrelated and unexplained bomb blast kill them all. there was no suggestion of any danger or suspense, and the audience and critics are flowing along eagerly with the story, and it suddenly is rudely terminated with an unexplained bomb blast, and the credits start to roll with no further explanation. that would be funny.

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another funny thing i can think of (i do not know if it is related to your post) is if you were a very famous musician, and you released albums consistently of high quality, and you had a cult following, and one day you brought out an album called "songs i never released" and it goes platinum in a buying frenzy before people realize there are no songs on the new album. there is nothing at all.
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