Quiet Reflections on a Growing Polyamorous Community

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When I first moved to New York City I started making friends in the polyamory community. They’re very welcoming people, tolerant of weirdness, and surprisingly autism-friendly because of their obsession with clear communication.

Something I really like about poly people is how much emphasis they put on normalizing consent. I assume as a consequence of adapting to a romantic life that requires intense levels of communication, consent culture has made its way into every aspect of the poly social world—normal social gatherings included!

Once, years ago, I was new to the city, hanging out at a party with my poly friends. I was talking to a stranger (who was unaware of my diagnosis) about something or other. He talked with his hands quite a bit, and at one point moved to touch my arm to emphasize a point, the way neurotypicals sometimes do. Mid-motion, he stopped himself and said “do you mind if I touch you?”

To my autistic, touch-sensitive self, it was amazing! Mind-blowing! Miraculous! The clouds parted and angels sang.

I think I said something like, “Thanks for asking, I actually don’t really like to be touched in conversation.” He said, “Ok cool thanks for letting me know,” and the conversation continued on as normal.

That brief moment completely changed my world. I was astonished at how much more comfortable I felt at this party, knowing that people were going to ask me before touching me. When it was time to leave, and the friend that brought me was hugging everyone goodbye, someone turned to me smiling and said “are you a hugger?” We high fived instead.

So my rule is, when in doubt, I emulate what I learned from my poly friends: Ask!

And I promise it’s possible to ask without making things awkward, despite what media talking heads, college guys, and porn like to imply.

Are you staring deep into someone’s eyes (ew eye contact) wondering if it’s ok to kiss them? Say, “can I kiss you?”

It really is that simple.

I know I personally always appreciate having scripts on file, so here’s a small list of further phrasing ideas:

“Can I touch you?”
“Is this ok?”
“Just let me know if anything is uncomfortable”
“Does this feel ok?”
“How do you like to be touched? Light or firm?”
“Should I get a condom?”
“Do you want to keep going?”
“How far are you ok with going tonight?”
“Are you ok?”

When in doubt: ASK. If you’re just assuming the answer: ASK. If you’re hoping for a yes and don’t want to ask in case they say no: ASK. If you’re trying to “convince” someone to have sex with you: Stop, and ASK! Always.

I think the most natural situation for people is probably something along the lines of serial monogamy, I seem to remember that often times humans get together long enough to raise children long enough for the children to have some ability to participate in society. Beyond that, couples often times seem to have issues keeping it together and it's a bit debatable as to whether there's any real benefit in doing so.

Like a lot of things, there's a spectrum from largely informal groupings to ones where it's formally required to have a specific ratio like they had with the FLDS and outright kicking out boys to maintain the 1 to 3 ratio they needed. People are going to be judgy, but the more formal it is, the more of a practical reason there is for being judgy. Especially in modern societies where sleeping around and having kids out of wedlock doesn't have the taboo it used to.

Regardless of how one feels about polyamory itself, the organized polyamory subculture has some important autistic-friendly aspects, such as (1) an encouragement of clear communication rather than relying on subtle hints and (2) an emphasis on consent.

From Autism and Consent by Kirsten Lindsmith, January 16, 2018:

One of my ancestors was busted for polygamy in 1900. He was convicted and paid a $500 fine, which was a lot of money in those days. Then he went on with his life.l

Chinese culture accepts polygamy for the very wealthy. He had wives in different countries and made the mistake of getting caught for bringing over two of them.