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Sudden reservations and doubts about marriage

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cyberdora
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28 Oct 2025, 12:19 am

Mikurotoro92 wrote:
I have to also factor David's health issues into this too!! !


Could have been (not saying it was) a reason his previous g/f took off. Perhaps marriage means he has somebody to look after him in old age.



Mikurotoro92
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28 Oct 2025, 1:35 am

cyberdora wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
I have to also factor David's health issues into this too!! !


Could have been (not saying it was) a reason his previous g/f took off. Perhaps marriage means he has somebody to look after him in old age.


Hmm...you might be on to something there...



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28 Oct 2025, 6:13 am

cyberdora wrote:
the thought crossed my mind that maybe David's former g/f left him and he's insecure about this happening again so maybe he thinks marriage is more a binding contract (especially when vows are taken in front of hundreds of close family/friends) so his next partner won't be tempted to leave. this is the only scenario that makes sense.

I think the OP deep down suspects this, hence the reason she keeps bringing up paranoia about imprisonment. i.e. being locked in a relationship where she's stuck with a man she decides she can't live with anymore.


cyberdora wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
I have to also factor David's health issues into this too!! !


Could have been (not saying it was) a reason his previous g/f took off. Perhaps marriage means he has somebody to look after him in old age.
I was thinking along these lines myself right before I read your responses. Great minds think alike :wink:


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cyberdora
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28 Oct 2025, 4:27 pm

nick007 wrote:
I was thinking along these lines myself right before I read your responses. Great minds think alike :wink:

we should start an online detective agency



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28 Oct 2025, 5:48 pm

Even Kayla at Day Program says you have to be 100% ABSOLUTELY SURE you want to be married otherwise it's a mistake!! !



Mikurotoro92
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31 Oct 2025, 6:10 pm

cyberdora wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
I have to also factor David's health issues into this too!! !


Could have been (not saying it was) a reason his previous g/f took off. Perhaps marriage means he has somebody to look after him in old age.


Considering the fact that he has Multiple Sclerosis I am inclined to agree with you about that being a possible reason why his previous girlfriend ran off!! !

That's actually part of my ambivalance!

I'm not so sure I want to take on the monumental challenge of having to care for David AND children (if I have them)...



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31 Oct 2025, 7:36 pm

^^^Ok well there's your trade-off. Looking after somebody with degenerative MS will take a lot of love and dedication. Also 100% explains why David wants marriage. I can understand his thinking, marriage is your way of saying "I vow to take care of you through illness".

Hope you know what you are doing...



Mikurotoro92
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31 Oct 2025, 9:19 pm

cyberdora wrote:
^^^Ok well there's your trade-off. Looking after somebody with degenerative MS will take a lot of love and dedication. Also 100% explains why David wants marriage. I can understand his thinking, marriage is your way of saying "I vow to take care of you through illness".

Hope you know what you are doing...


Hmm...I never considered that possibility

But it makes a LOT of sense!! !

However, I am sure that David also wants to marry me because he TRULY loves me, otherwise he would just be using me so he could have someone constantly care for him...



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31 Oct 2025, 11:00 pm

MaxE wrote:
To me the number one requirement for getting married is complete lack of doubt regarding the decision, which implies that one expects to be in that marriage for the rest of one's life. Otherwise forget it.
I'd actually be worried about anyone deciding to get married who does not have any doubts at all, especially if they never lived together first or have not been known each other a very long time. I've known cases where one or both supposedly did not have doubts & expected their marriage to last tne rest of their lives. Things became abusive after they got married & they eventually got divorced after feeling very unhappy & trapped for years. I've also seen real life murder shows where one person was completely sure when they got married & they did not really consider divorce after things started getting bad till them or their partner eventually reached their breaking point. I think having doubts about any major decision including marriage is normal & means the person is trying to be cautious & practical instead of making a rash decision. That said, thinking too much can lead to over analyzing & makes things very confusing for the person & their potential spouse. Being very confusing & telling your relationship partner contradictory things is a good way to lose your partner, especially if the wedding is called off after some arrangements have gotten made & some non-refundable money was spent. It's better to discuss doubts & fears with your partner before wedding plans reach that point.


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Mikurotoro92
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01 Nov 2025, 12:09 am

nick007 wrote:
MaxE wrote:
To me the number one requirement for getting married is complete lack of doubt regarding the decision, which implies that one expects to be in that marriage for the rest of one's life. Otherwise forget it.
I'd actually be worried about anyone deciding to get married who does not have any doubts at all, especially if they never lived together first or have not been known each other a very long time. I've known cases where one or both supposedly did not have doubts & expected their marriage to last tne rest of their lives. Things became abusive after they got married & they eventually got divorced after feeling very unhappy & trapped for years. I've also seen real life murder shows where one person was completely sure when they got married & they did not really consider divorce after things started getting bad till them or their partner eventually reached their breaking point. I think having doubts about any major decision including marriage is normal & means the person is trying to be cautious & practical instead of making a rash decision. That said, thinking too much can lead to over analyzing & makes things very confusing for the person & their potential spouse. Being very confusing & telling your relationship partner contradictory things is a good way to lose your partner, especially if the wedding is called off after some arrangements have gotten made & some non-refundable money was spent. It's better to discuss doubts & fears with your partner before wedding plans reach that point.


Exactly

That's my point!! !

I do NOT want to rush myself into marital imprisonment so I am analyzing and considering every possible contingency BEFORE marriage!



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01 Nov 2025, 1:47 am

Mikurotoro92 wrote:
However, I am sure that David also wants to marry me because he TRULY loves me, otherwise he would just be using me so he could have someone constantly care for him...


How about both...he loves you but also needs you.



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01 Nov 2025, 2:02 am

cyberdora wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
However, I am sure that David also wants to marry me because he TRULY loves me, otherwise he would just be using me so he could have someone constantly care for him...


How about both...he loves you but also needs you.


Which is a VERY GOOD THING...until the neediness gets to the point of co-dependancy!! !

In marriage and romantic relationships in general that is a 100% valid fear!

I don't want David to become so over-reliant on me that he can no longer function independantly!

The only way to stop that from happening is to purposely hold back on investing into the relationship while still in the dating stage



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01 Nov 2025, 6:36 pm

Mikurotoro92 wrote:

I don't want David to become so over-reliant on me that he can no longer function independantly!

The only way to stop that from happening is to purposely hold back on investing into the relationship while still in the dating stage


Yeah so this relationship will inevitably be asymmetric. Yes, I think David is hoping for a partner who will take care of him. David should understand a long term marriage with somebody with his condition isn't something you are equipped to handle but just be gentle with him and get him used to the idea you will still be there for him as a good friend.



Mikurotoro92
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01 Nov 2025, 7:32 pm

cyberdora wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:

I don't want David to become so over-reliant on me that he can no longer function independantly!

The only way to stop that from happening is to purposely hold back on investing into the relationship while still in the dating stage


Yeah so this relationship will inevitably be asymmetric. Yes, I think David is hoping for a partner who will take care of him. David should understand a long term marriage with somebody with his condition isn't something you are equipped to handle but just be gentle with him and get him used to the idea you will still be there for him as a good friend.


But I can learn the skills needed to take on the challenge of caring for him, right?

After all, I had to take care of my mom for 3 years which was hard but I survived!

I just don't want to throw all of this away!! !



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01 Nov 2025, 7:43 pm

Mikurotoro92 wrote:
But I can learn the skills needed to take on the challenge of caring for him, right?

After all, I had to take care of my mom for 3 years which was hard but I survived!

I just don't want to throw all of this away!! !
I may be wrong but I thought you kind of resented feeling forced to care for your mom. It would majorly s#ck to start resenting David. It's a very crummy situation for the both of you.


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Mikurotoro92
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01 Nov 2025, 7:44 pm

nick007 wrote:
MaxE wrote:
To me the number one requirement for getting married is complete lack of doubt regarding the decision, which implies that one expects to be in that marriage for the rest of one's life. Otherwise forget it.
I'd actually be worried about anyone deciding to get married who does not have any doubts at all, especially if they never lived together first or have not been known each other a very long time. I've known cases where one or both supposedly did not have doubts & expected their marriage to last tne rest of their lives. Things became abusive after they got married & they eventually got divorced after feeling very unhappy & trapped for years. I've also seen real life murder shows where one person was completely sure when they got married & they did not really consider divorce after things started getting bad till them or their partner eventually reached their breaking point. I think having doubts about any major decision including marriage is normal & means the person is trying to be cautious & practical instead of making a rash decision. That said, thinking too much can lead to over analyzing & makes things very confusing for the person & their potential spouse. Being very confusing & telling your relationship partner contradictory things is a good way to lose your partner, especially if the wedding is called off after some arrangements have gotten made & some non-refundable money was spent. It's better to discuss doubts & fears with your partner before wedding plans reach that point.


People like my neighbors Phil and Anita got married after knowing each other for a VERY LONG TIME so I'm pretty sure they had 100% total confidence in the marriage decision!! !

However, my situation is different

David and I have only known each other for a year or year-and-a-half so the confidence to get married isn't completely there, hence the ambivalance!