I don't know how I can do this...

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When I started looking into AS I was overwhelmed with relief because it made sense of all the insanity I've dealt with over 25 years of marriage. I felt optimistic and excited about having something I could work with, some sense of a context in which my marriage could survive. One week later I'm rather deflated. When my husband saw me buying books about AS he immediately assumed that I was convinced I was an aspie, and started consoling me (he's not very extremely aspie) -- telling me that no way do I fit the profile, I am extremely empathetic, etc. I asked him if he saw himself in any of the traits, and he said no. I wish I had the kind of poise to say something at that moment, to take that as an opportunity to open a discussion without any trace of antagonism... but I'm not that poised. My heart sank. I wonder if I'm just not up to this challenge, if my weak points are just the worst ones for someone married to an aspie. I am very sensitive to hurt as well as sensitive to others; very physical, very literal (my one aspie trait), whereas my husband seems to be 100% cerebral. Sex is completely in his mind for him, but for me it's equal parts physical and emotional. He does have a very well-developed sense of humor, which is not aspie, but it's so completely juvenile it mostly alienates me further. No matter how thoughtfully I speak to him he often perceives an outright challenge to whatever he has said, threatening his everything. I think he is so far inside his head that the world is fuzzy to him, distorted like a bad radio signal. Now I know I can't expect him to ever learn from my example and show me the level of attention he depends on me showing him. At 52 I am thinking about the rest of my life and it's deeply depressing to think I will never feel loved the way I give love.

Sorry I'm rambling. Thanks for reading

Welcome to WP!

thank you very much for sharing that.. it helps others, like myself, to really think about what they want in life and what they are able to handle... it seems very hard for you as it would be for anyone.. i hope you do not get too discouraged as it takes time for ppl to post back on here but vent away it helps in so many ways.. you've helped me by sharing this as i am waiting forever for someone i care deeply about that may never come around if he hasn't by now.. again.. thanks and blessings..

Thanks Tim Tex and sugarmama

Yeah; my dad was alcoholic, then a dry drunk, then he developed MS. The MS was really awful, turned him into a monster, and my mom just took it & took it. I have that example to compare my self to and I don't want to sacrifice my time on earth taking care of someone's needs when they can not give me what I need (like my mom did) -- but just the same I don't want to be a sh***y person who abandons my husband after 25 years when he is not even choosing to do what he does!! I couldn't live with that. It's an awful position to be in. Gee, maybe I can continue to be his caring wife and he can support me getting a really gentle loving guy to take care of me on the side -- yeah, that would work (this is sarcasm).

Yesterday I told my husband that I think he has AS traits (he cornered me, asking about this forum) and he took it very well. I have two books on AS (AS from the inside out and AS in Love) and we're talking openly about it now, and I know he will read some of the books, but he's not likely to read cover-to-cover. Already he's said a couple times 'well, I don't have that trait..' and I have to say 'yeah, honey I think you do..' So I should be optimistic. I still don't see clearly what happens next... understanding brings possibilities... someone also pointed me to a site for 'other halves' like me. One day at a time. Can I squeeze in one more homily here???

Dear relieved,

All I or any of us can say is that we live until we die.

Life is good/life is bad/life sucks.

All any of us can do is get through today and hope that tomorrow will be better.

Hi relieved

I've got an idea where you are at but my wife would probably relate better to your situation.

We've been married for 35 years and I've recently been diagnosed as AS.

As soon as my wife discovered what she thought may be the answer, I was right there with reading about it. I tend to get hooked on research. So, that wasn't an issue for us. It really started to make sense of quite a number of things that had happened over the years.

At first it was difficult to find much info regarding adults. Now, we've found there are specialist book shops (some online) that can supply what we need. There has been mention of several good books in this discussion. I guess it depends on where you are in the world.

The down side of AS is that there isn't a magic pill to make it go away. Being 'normal' takes a lot of effort.

I don't know a lot about your husband's traits (other than sex for him only being in the mind rather than emotions).

Hopefully, you'll be able to hang in there. Now that he's coming to terms with it rather than embracing it (as I have), there may well be some things you can both do to improve the situation.

It's hard to know how much of Aspergers Syndrome your husband has, if he's not been diagnosed (not that a professional diagnosis is always the last word in working this out, as they make mistakes too).
He might want to do the Aspie-Quiz, which (provided he's honest with his answers) might give a useful profile of the various traits:

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

I don't mean to belittle your conviction that he does have AS, just that it's only too easy to fall victim to the painful and simplistic idea that you've got no chance of ever getting him to meet your needs at all. You might find, if you study the subject and the extent to which your husband fits it, that there are some areas in which his traits are relatively neurotypical. AS is a spectrum disorder and no two Aspies have the same profile.

For example, one Aspie might be completely unable to cope with parties of any kind. Another might be able to cope only with small, quiet gatherings. A third Aspie might be quite willing to go to a big party as long as certain conditions are met.

You might well find that he's willing to do a lot for you if you can find out how he ticks, and tailor your communications with him accordingly.....I've not been diagnosed yet, so perhaps you shouldn't take my example too seriously, but I know for a fact that I can make much better adjustments to people's demands of me if they would just tell me clearly, and in advance, exactly what they want of me.

Here's a thread you might find of some use:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt75959.html

In particular, Igor (7th post on the first page) gave some tips on the kind of considerations and adjustments he felt were important to him as an Aspie, which several others (self included) recognised as the kind of thing that ought to do a lot of good. I may be misjudging neurotypicals when I say this, but I don't see why any of those strategies would be terribly hard to adopt, though obviously it'd be worth checking out with hubbie first that they were the kind of things he thinks would apply well to him. You might be surprised how satisfying a relationship with an Aspie can be if you can tailor your expectations to the real person, who after all is still the same person he was when you first met him and decided to marry him. That's not to say that he hasn't let things slide or that he doesn't need to work hard at it himself.