Confused and wondering why this always happens to me

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I have a profile on plenty of fish. Last week I contacted this women that I thought we would be a good match. After a few message back on forth, I give her my number and she called me today. I thought it went well on the phone and we made plans to see each other later tonight for dinner. I was really looking forward to it.

I just get a message from her on PoF that she hates to do this but she cancels our date today. She said she did not feel a connection on the phone and we are both looking for different things. Both our profiles say we are looking for LTR so I don't understnad why she said we are looking for different things.

This type of thing always happens to me. I get rejected in the first few times we talk or we make plans and she cancels at the last minute. Why? EVERY TIME I feel like I'm not getting a fair chance.

Everyone wonders why I keep thinking women are demons from hell when I feel they keep screwing with me like this. If she was not feeling we were connecting on the phone say so then. Don't agree to meet then cancel later. That is just screwing with people.

I agree, that wasn't fair. She's probably imature when it comes to relationships. We live in such over expectant worlds.

Hang on, suddenly she's a demon for cancelling on you?

If you're so similar (I'm assuming ASD), do you not think she was maybe panicking about meeting you? Maybe she's shy and worried so much she had to cancel. Ever think about that?

Remember, SHE called YOU. So she was obviously keen. And yes, maybe what she said was right.. she didn't feel a connection. She might have felt it was rude to say so on the phone. She might have worried you'd shout at her. Just because she cancelled on you doesn't mean she's evil.

You don't make plans and then cancel like that. I understand if an emergency came up and canceling but when she also asked me out to dinner then cancels like that, then she says there was no connection on the phone? Thats messed up. I wish I could send all women back to hell where they came from. This has happened to me more times then I can count. I'm sick of women screwing with me.

KenM: You don't know what motivated this woman to cancel the date. You simply don't have the information. As LadyMacbeth said, she called you, so you do have some level of appeal to women.

Aspies supposedly over-think and over-analyze things. I do this, and I've read plenty of posts on WP about others doing it. If you're going to analyze this situation, including all the possibilities, most of which have nothing to do with you.

Getting a date is hard, especially on online forums. I've studied the statistics of online dating sites, and many men never get contacted. Partly this is just numbers: most of these sites have many more men than women, so the fact you got contacted puts you AHEAD of plenty of other men on such sites.

My non-Aspie friends all agree that dating is hell. The four who are married state emphatically that they would never want to go back to the world of dating, and the one who is single is having the same kinds of problems you report (though in reverse, because she's female).

Vent, fume, and rant, but then move on. The woman who ditched you did you a favor in a sense; you won't waste any time on her.

What really confuses me thou is when we talked on the phone, she was the one that asked to meet later. Then she tells me in the email she sends me there was no connection the phone. If there was no connection then why invite me to meet later?

I'm starting to get a feeling about why this happened and if I'm right, I don't blame her. I would cancel too.

You start out just communicating by keyboard, a profile, some messages. She likes what she reads. She likes it enough to call you. So what was the turning point? It was whatever happened on the phone. Something in your tone of voice, or something you said felt odd to her but she couldn't put her finger on it so she impusively made the date.

Later, off the phone, she's had time to think about it. The more she thinks about it, the less comfortable she feels. She possibly calls up a friend who tells her, "Are you insane? You don't know anything about this guy. Do you want your body to end up in a landfill?" Or at least, that's what I would say if she was my friend, sister or daughter.

Cancelling on a friend is rude. Cancelling on a stranger is a good idea and has probably saved the lives of many women.

Personally I think internet dating is an insane risk for women to take but nevertheless some of them do it. What they should do is make plans to meet in a very public place for lunch or coffee.

Maybe what she felt was the vibe that if she made one wrong move, she would be " a demon" and women who have been pegged "demons" (or whatever) by the man they are meeting for dinner have a tendency to end up in landfills or wooded areas.

Perhaps the reason the failure rate for men for interent dating is so high is because it is inherently incredibly dangerous for women and so they are even more selective and picky than they would be in person, where they can more accurately assess the vibe they are getting.

She didn't like how you sounded on the phone or something you said. It took her a while to put that feeling into action to cancel the date.

Maybe it's time to get off the dating sites and go back out into the world where by the time women are talking to you, they have already judged you to be safe or they wouldn't talk to you.

Well from what I have read on WP, alot of people say that people with AS just give off a "vibe" or "feeling" that puts women off.

That really makes it harder for peope with AS to get into a relationship.

As far as the acual first meeting goes, if it gets that far, I always make plans to meet in a public, well populated place. Stay in a public place until you get to know them more and you both feel comfortable. All dating sites and personel ads in newspapaers and such say this. I agree. My mom tryed internet dating a couple of years back. For the first meeting one time she invited a guy over to her place to meet and talk. I got very POed and told her its not a good idea to do that.

Also I don't want to scare anyone, but I do work at a landfill.

The Aspie vibe seems to be a problem for a lot of people. Perhaps you could role-play with a friend and record the session so you could experiment with your voice and content with the next person on plentyoffish or wherever contacts you. If Janissy's idea is accurate, then you can learn to make a better first impression on the phone.

Note: Internet dating is risky, but as KenM points out, there are standard protocols to minimize the risk. Several women I know have dated successfully and even met their marriage partner online. I wouldn't categorize it as an insane risk for women.

And since I was stalked for several months by a woman I met briefly in a library once, I can attest to the risks men face in the world too.

That is a pretty cold move, but it's definately one I'm familiar with too. I believe the transalation to be something along the lines of "you're a good guy, but you don't really excite me". Women often believe they're being kind by talking to you & accepting your date, even though they don't really want to. Of course, as you've pointed out, this clearly isn't the case & most men recognize this behavior as more cruel than a direct rejection.

I think you might have to spice things up a bit if this keeps happening. If your conversations lead to nothing more than just more conversations, then she will get bored.

Btw, dinner dates are dull, unless there's a really good basis. It's usually just more talking. Was there nothing more exciting you two would rather have done?

Well we were planing on getting to know each other more over dinner, then go to a comedy club if we both felt comfortable. I don't like a movie as a first date because you can't talk and get to know the person.

But like I said before, she asked me out on the phone then canceled. Thats messed up.

ok, hold it right there.
You call Women Demons? You think you have the right to call them demons, just cause they cancel a date/meeting?
So just because, geh, i dont know how many women in your life you have tried to date, but i'm certain that it's not more than 1% of all females on this world, you get the luxery of putting the rest of the 99% into the same group?
hah

The way you speak about females lead meto believe that you have had PLENTLY of episodes like this, cant help but ask myself, and sorry for the rough language now, but why the f**k, do you keep on repeating the same crap then?

You put all the blame on the women, i'm pretty sure there is something YOU are doing to, i dont know what, but i doubt that they have a urge/instinct that tells them to f**k around with you.
Maybe you were to hasty, maybe you said something on the phone that gave her a wrong impression and thats why she cancled it. And in the VERY end, she hasthe right to cancel it, cause it's her own free will.
Sure, if she does it, or cancels it without having any real reason at all, she would just be dumb/ an idiot.
But she said she didn't feel any connection, and if that IS the case, then be happy she atleast informed you, and didn't just make you go to the place of the meeting/date or whatever and you would end up meeting no one.

So to make everything short:

You are no Saint, everybody is equal, and you dont have the right to say that women should go to hell, thats simply ignorant.
If this sort of crap happens to you all the time, then your either unlucky as hell, or you're doing something wrong.
And besides, no one is forcing you to date someone. If you find it so unfair, and if you have the ballsto call all women demons who should go to hell, then simply stop dating. But you dont, you keep on doing it, so you're the one asking for all this YOURSELF.

If I knew what the heck I was doing wrong or why I come off "weird" or 'creepy" I'd fix it. I even asked a women that I stayed firends with after I was interested in romantically why she did not feel the same way so I could try and pin it down and fix it and they could not tell me. "just something about me" she said. Frustrating when I'm trying to fix it so I don't come off like that but don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I have to agree with Janissy, it's obvious that something happened during the phone conversation that the woman just didn't like.

It's too bad that you didn't record yourself on the phone so that you could play it back, and then you might be able to identify where something could've gone wrong. Or have a friend listen and give you some constructive criticism. A lot of people are not good at intellectualizing their feelings precisely, so it's not really all that surprising that this other woman with whom you're friends couldn't really tell you what the "something about you" was. Could you give us a more detailed description of how your phone conversation went? What did you talk about? Were there any long pauses or side comments? Was the talking slow or fast at times? That would be more informative than for us to draw conclusions based on almost nothing.

My last tidbit and then I'm retiring from this depressing subject.

Desperation and bitterness are a toxic brew. Those feelings act as a repellent to women. You might as well spray yourself with skunk juice. If you are exuding desperation and bitterness, you are wearing a neon sign saying "stay away from me".

You have to find some way to let those feelings go because they are repelling women. There must be something that can put your mind at peace. Meditation, religion, nature, exercise, volunteering, indulging in your Special Interest (don't all Aspies have one?). Something to get your mind at peace. When you are at peace, women will be more attracted to you. When you are in turmoil, women avoid you because it's just too much baggage to take on and if it's strong enough it will be flat out scary.

Well we talked a little about football, she likes football and her job. I talked about my job a bit as well. There was one part when my cat stepped on and turned on my clock radio and I told her to hold on for a minute so I could shut it off. We talked a little about where she is from and her family a little too. Then we talked about meeting up tonight and those details. She told me she was on a cell phone and to end it I said I did not want her using up all those minutes, she mentioned to me she is only working part time. But I was looking forward to meeting and chatting more over dinner. we said goodbye and hung up. That was it.

To me I thought it went well, except for the part with my radio getting turned on. That was the only really long pause. I thought the flow went good and was a normal pace.