Ah-hah, you're the other regular visitor here I was wondering about when I visited a couple days ago. I guess I don't need to ask how you are, now. At least I know you're still posting.
Ken, with all due respect, the internet is one of the last places I ever, ever think to go for real support, especially of an emotional sort. Oh, it's great resource if you have to find out how to make something, fix something, or if you're hankering for heated debate about science fiction, but it's no place for a hurting soul. This site is never going to be the exception and you can't really blame the clientele; the vast majority of people on an autistic board are, well, going to have an ASD, and the rest of the visitors are going to be searching for help in relating to people within the spectrum. This board's reputation preceded it before I joined.
I have a therapist off the internet. Mainly we gab about anthropology, but she's also a supportive sounding board for me. I highly recommend you get a therapist, if you don't already have one. If the one you have isn't doing the trick for you, please change. In today's world, many people are without friends, so there are more therapists. There are good people out there, too, but it may take some digging.
I won't step in and repeat the old and used phase, "suicide is not the answer," because it is "an answer," and it's a choice only you can make. I can confidently say it's not your only choice, however, or the best choice, but I understand the simplicity and allure of its finality. It's an 'easy out' when suffering and I've been there plenty of times. It's crossed my mind briefly lately. You have another option, and that is to seek outside perspective. You can't always tell what you're doing wrong, but sometimes other people can. As the Butthole Surfers once whined, "You never know just how you look through other people's eyes".
I'm going to take a stab at this, and I'm going to be blunt. Of course, I don't know you from Adam outside what I see here, but historically I've been able to read people well over the internet and through text. I would strongly suggest not disregarding my input thus.
In the past year, over the spring and summer, I managed to try to date people. I'd normally never partake in the dating scene because it has never appealed, but I thought I'd give it a try. After all, it's a god way to make friends, too, and in my area, that's difficult to do. The worst part was immediately evident -- rejecting the guys. And I rejected all of them. This was done via very light online dating (OkCupid, I mean...you can't get any less serious than that), but it has become difficult due to the rejection factor.
Almost all of the men I talked with have been rejected many times. There were a couple 'rejectors' amongst the 'rejectees,' however, as well as other exceptions to the rule. I ended up rejecting all of them, usually right off the bat. For the most part I didn't tell any of them why I was rejecting them, I just had to do it. Often I had to employ lying, which I'm normally avidly against and won't do unless it's a very dire situation. And it was a very bad situation all around. Rejecting them was a very hair-raising undertaking, and I won't ever put myself in that position again. I'd much rather remain single than have to cope with the resentment, even hatred, of men who wanted me to offer them myself in various ways (not just sex). Most of these men had extremely fragile egos, and I don't necessarily blame them at all. Let me interject that rejection and abuse by family can have the same sort of effect and I have similar issues as a result, even to the point of contemplating suicide. The difference with me is that it's not based around sex and finding a mate, but losing people already close to me. For the men involved in my 'dating' escapades, which ideally would be a positive growing experience for both sides whatever the outcome, personal status, self focus and sex were all top of their list. I was even asked repeatedly to have sex by one person. I never did it, but when I declined, there was immediate resentment and hurt from his side. This is one example of psychological abuse that leads women to lie and reject men. We learn that if we say 'no,' we will be hated or possibly worse. That combined with our own struggle for status in the hierarchy leads us to being real b*****s.
People, like other animals, have a way of repeating behaviours without fully realizing their own patterns. This leads to projection and lashing out at others who are simply reacting to these repeated patterns of behaviour. Negative and destructive behaviours (addictions, for example) are often the most unconsciously repeated. When I was dating, I was puled into cycles of negative behaviour the men were unaware of, and I could do nothing to break them. My only option was to get away as fast as I could before I was hurt. There was a very special case where I was not scared of the consequences, I very bluntly told the guy what he was doing wrong and why I was rejecting him. This suited my style and gave him something to work with because I was unafraid of being hurt. My judgments were correct, and I was also unharmed in the process. I have learned over the years that pointing out people's negative patterns of behaviour is often explosively destructive, as the weaknesses being unveiled create a reaction of self defense so mighty it can actually manifest as physical violence in the worst cases.
In short, if I were to date you, I'd feel unable to tell you why I rejected you and I'd probably just play it off and get away as fast as I could. I would be very afraid of a confrontation with your reaction and would simply desire as much space as I could possibly manage, while trying my damnedest to quell any anger you felt by lying to you, assuring you it's "not you" and so forth. Your dislike of women is terrifying and very likely evident to women whether or not you're voicing it openly; your body language almost certainly conveys to women that you're bearing a grudge. Immediately, the woman will almost assuredly have two basic reactions: recoiling and evasion. Your fragility will likely make you unapproachable for dating, let alone lead to a clear explanation of why they refuse. No one can know your positive aspects if you're only doused in the negative behaviours that have been cycling, unchecked, for years. You're buried under them.
Let me ask you this to ask yourself: would you take their input seriously and with respect if they did tell you why you with complete honesty why you were being rejected? What would you do if they did? How would you react? Would you react with more bitterness, or with gratitude?
You have negative patterns that are causing women to run, and rightfully so. You can stop these, even if you have an ASD. We're complex machines and sometimes we can get stuck in an infinite loop, but there's always a way to throw the circle off course and send it in another direction, and hopefully a straight line. It's usually a lot of work, but it gets easier. If you can step away from this and find help to recondition your brain into a new pattern of constructive behaviours, I'm very sure you could enter back into the dating circuit with a very real chance of finding a woman you can give to as much as she can give to you. You just have to start taking the first steps in a different direction.
01 Nov 2009, 12:34 pm
