Hurt and Disappointed

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I am literally in tears right now.

Today, I went for a campus tour at York university. When I took the subway back, there was a man with his son, who bobbed his head continuously and made noises. So, on my way out, I came close to him, and just asked him, "is he autistic?", hoping to strike up a conversation about my special interest. I've never done something like this before, but in the past I overheard 2 women mentioning Asperger's in the subway and I came over to one of them and asked, "were you talking about Asperger's?" and then after she replied I mentioned my AS and we had a nice conversation on our way home. It was lucky that we both got off at the same station. But, this man came across as demeaning and rude. First of all, when we made eye contact, he didn't smile. Secondly, he asked "what?" a few times after I repeated my question, and then finally replied "none of your business" and walked to the opposite end of the train.

Ok, maybe it was something too private to ask about, but I thought many people were open about this stuff. What he said to me, how he said it, and how he walked away really hurt. It completely ruined my day. I don't even know so many people who can talk to me about my special interest, and when an opportunity like this goes away, I break down.

Why couldn't he at least say it in a nicer way? Why is this frigging society so shut off and secretive? Can't we just be more open and help each other? He didn't know the reason behind my asking. He didn't know that it's my special interest. He didn't know that I'm also on the spectrum. How was I supposed to communicate it to him?

Sounds like he was ashamed of his son.

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I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I know similar things have occurred to me too. It's almost a lose-lose situation. If you keep quiet, nothing bad will happen, however keeping quiet might mean a lost opportunity. It's difficult to say what else you could have done. I think what you should do, is try to forget about what happened. If the man had the wrong idea about you, that's his fault not yours. Just don't let it stop you from trying to initiate something that might be of benefit. Just realise that sometimes it will work and other times it won't.

In my own opinion, you did nothing wrong. However, and to possibly protect yourself from similar disappointment in the future, consider the major differences between the two situations you have described:

With the man and his son, you could at best merely hope the man would be interested in some conversation while his son you had assumed is autistic was sitting there bobbing and making noises ... but you already had good reason to anticipate some distraction-free conversation with the woman you had approached.



Be ready and open and keep looking for opportunities, but be cautious about letting your expectations get too high. The more we expect, the greater the disappointment can be when something does not go as we had hoped.



You already have answers for those questions if you take a look from his side of being approached by a complete stranger asking a personal question about his son:



And, maybe he would have felt demeaned by your being so far from his son on the spectrum.



I do not know, but keep caring and trying and letting us know how things go! Your next encounter might turn out to be a blessing all around!

Last edited by leejosepho on 07 Nov 2009, 5:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I'm baffled that you'd feel hurt about this. this guy owes you nothing, you were clearly minding his business more than you should've

When it's a very intense interest, I become upset when something turns out not as I've expected. It's very rare that I encounter someone who is a likely candidate to have a discussion with me about my special interest, and then it turns out very well, I feel extremely fulfilled. But how he reacted was very rude. He could've at least said it in a nicer way. Since I'm young, I'm used to people being nice to me and even surprised at the fact that I have so much knowledge about certain topics. Something else today turned out not as I've expected to be, namely my friend cancelling her coming with me to the tour at the last minute, and I really needed this for my day to turn out well. But it was the last drop. I don't even know how I will be able to concentrate on my studies now. I need a lot of effort to concentrate on something outside of my special interests, so I need things to go smoothly. I'm so anxious right now because I still have unfinished work to do, but my emotions are taking over.

that's what I mean, he owes you nothing, he's not there to entertain you and converse with you about your hobbies. he probably has enough of random people on the streets expressing their pity (cause that's how it might have been interpreted).

People are like that, I would get used to it. Also, I don't know that it is right to approach people just in hopes of using them as some sort of sounding board for your special interest, and that is kinda how you make it sound. As if all you cared about was sating your need to talk about your interest. I mean, you use the word 'candidate'. They are human beings, not specimens. People do not like being approached with personal questions from strangers, fullstop.

I agree with Graelwyn and anna-banana. I can understand why you said what you did, and I can also understand why that man reacted as he did. It was intrusive of you to speak to him like that. You were a stranger to him, you don't know what other (possibly negative comments) he receives about his son, and he may well have been quite stressed.

I'm guessing that the women you joined in conversation about AS were talking about it, and not actually demonstrating visible traits of being autistic themselves. So their conversation was different, and much less personal.

It's not really a good idea to approach strangers on the subway to strike up conversation anyway. People can be nasty and unpleasant and it's usually wiser not to invite such upset.

My son is diagnosed with Asperger's and I would have been quite taken aback if someone had come up and asked me about it like that. I wouldn't have been as rude as that man was to you, but I would have felt it was inappropriate (to the point of probably guessing you were yourself autistic!) and wouldn't have wanted to have my son talked about like that, as if he were some object of interest.

Maybe best to see this as an experience to learn from and be more circumspect in the future. Think how you would feel if a stranger with an interest in women's lingerie approached you in a public place and asked if you were wearing a particular make or size of bra!

Mathgirl, you were visiting York University, that's in Toronto. I goto Wilfrid Laurier University in Waterloo (I'm from Kitchener). I take it you were taking a TTC train? You have to understand that TTC transit isn't exactly the best way to travel at best, as there's a lot of wierdos that use Toronto public transit. IM NOT SAYING YOUR A WEIRDO THOUGH!

Don't take this the wrong way. You didn't do anything wrong, but you did break social etiquet. It was a little intrusive of you to ask a complete stranger a sensitive question, on a train, when he was probably quite stressed out. Under different circumstances, or in a different place, he probably would respond to you differently. Being that you were on a TTC train he may have been slightly suspicious of your questioning. I know I would be if someone came up to me on a train and asked me sensitive questions. Again, you didn't do anything wrong.

Infact about eight months ago someone did ask me if I was autistic, in a public place no less. I was taken aback by the question and politiely told him no, as I thought it was none of his business.

Alright, I've been thinking about how to express this properly. I probably shouldn't have used the word 'candidate', and should have simply said 'person' instead. I did not mean to use him as a specimen. In fact, I could have just sat there and read my book about autism. The real reason I wanted to talk to him is because if there's no one I can share my knowledge about autism with, then what's the point of acquiring all of this knowledge? I want to make a difference in others' lives. After a while, this knowledge I gain begins bottling up, and I feel like I need to give some of it away for a good cause. I don't know any other outlets, and I like helping people in general.

Again, I didn't know that this was something so personal. Maybe it's because I think that everyone feels the same way as me, and I'm not a very private person at all (unless it came down to very obviously intimate details that should not be discussed in public). Again, this highlights the overly negative approach to autism in the society, like it's something horrible that needs to be hidden. In my eyes, it's just a character trait. A difference. No matter how severe it is.

I don't understand why there are social rules like these in our society.

And yes, I was taking TTC.

Well, helping out on here is a start, maybe in the younger forums.
And I am sure there must be rl organisations that would appreciate some help.
It is good to want to help, but humans in general seem to hate being asked personal questions outright.
I am an exception...some guy came to me the other evening and asked why I read with the page so close to my face, then suggested I need glasses...now, I think a lot of people would have told him to F off. I think he expected me to tell him to F off given the glare I had given him the other night when I was leaving and caught him looking at me. I am as a rule very hostile towards other humans as I have had such bad experiences and read a lot of the bad stuff they do. But, now we are sort of friends. He seems to be aspie too lol.

But I have found most people find it weird if anyone they don't know just randomly approaches them and asks something like that... Me personally, I wouldn't dare having seen the way a lot of people out there behave.

I would avoid doing it again anyway as you just never know how someone might react to you, and it might be more than just rudeness you get as a response. People are generally, I have found, not friendly out there. It is better to try and find a group that might appreicate your knowledge or maybe you could write a book or a paper or article or somesuch and post in on various groups for parents of kids with autism ?

I think it does make sense.. You saw someone you thought you had something in common with. Then you psyched yourself up to ask them about it, hoping you could be personable enough to strike up a conversation, and then they totally shot you down. I don't quite get why so many people here don't see why you'd be hurt by that. It's just like anybody who approaches somebody and then gets rejected. There's enough people talking about it over in the love and dating section.. (not that this is a love and dating issue, just that it's the same concept.)

Thanks. That's exactly what I've been doing. I'm trying to take part in everything where I can get involved with my special interest. I'm also obsessed with learning about the theory of mind and trying to figure out why I don't understand things like nonverbal cues and have an abnormal expression of my emotions. It's interesting to learn from people about the more subtle nonverbal cues I've never been aware of before.
But anyway, the forums and online discussions are alright, but being an extrovert I also have a need to express my interest socially. I'm still waiting for an interview for my co-op position as a respite care worker at an autism centre. I've joined some AS support group, but the meetings are very short and far-in-between. I do the best I can to get myself involved, but it takes numerous phone calls and e-mails to actually get people to respond. It's like trying to move a gigantic rock.

I wish I was an extrovert. I was as a child apparently, well I don't think I had any boundaries, I would just go and sit at random adults tables in cafes and restaurants and start having conversations with them apparently, but since the age of about 13 or 14, I became quiet and more the sort to wait for people to approach me. I had always before assumed aspies were all introverts. I just consider I was an extrovert as a child because I did try and talk to others, at the same time as spending a lot of time alone playing.

Are there any meetup groups in your area for people with AS/autism? There is one in my area, tho I have never been to it. That would be a great place to be able to get talking to people. You will do well if you have that drive to interract and talk to people etc.