Relationship advice?

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This is very long-winded because I don't know what details are and aren't important, so I've put in everything...also forgive the highly confusing (or complete lack of) structure, I just sort of word-vomited onto the page and I really don't know how to properly organise my thoughts on this matter...

So, from the beginning. A little while ago, this ridiculously attractive guy started at my workplace. Apparently he used to work there but went overseas for 18 months just before I started there. Just before he started I was warned by some of the employees who knew him before that he knew well how attractive he was and was completely obnoxious because of it. However, when we actually started working together I found him to be a very kind, considerate person. The other staff-members who had worked with him all comment on how much he has changed after going travelling, and that he's grown up a lot.

I'm not particularly ugly, but I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm pretty, and I have literally never had any male interest in me before, so I was pretty comfortable with the fact that nothing was actually going to happen...then he asked me out.

I was completely freaked out but I went on a date with him and it went well, however we did realise that he was older than I thought (he's 30, but he looks about 24-25ish) and I'm younger than he thought (I'm 18, though apparently I look to be in my early-mid twenties). I spent a lot of time afterwards thinking myself silly with regards to whether it was a good idea to pursue a relationship with a co-worker and whether I could maintain a comfortable relationship with this guy despite the age gap. After a lot of sleepless nights I decided to continue seeing him and let the chips fall where they may.

That was several weeks ago now and we are still seeing each other. When we're together if we don't have a pre-set activity to be doing (like going to see a movie or going bowling) he just wants to sit around and make out. He really seems to enjoy this and we can't even have a goodnight kiss without him dragging it out into a ten minute make-out session. I don't dislike kissing him, but I'm not really fond of spending extended amounts of time just making out and sometimes I find myself just waiting for him to finish. I don't want to turn him down as he clearly enjoys it, but I'd really rather just be doing other things together. Also, his constant desire to kiss me was kind of nice at first but now it's just starting to make me feel like the only aspect of our relationship that he's after is the physical part. At what point is it just trying to make a relationship work and when does it become me giving up things I shouldn't just for the sake of a guy?

As I said before, I've never had any guys pay attention to me at all before so I hadn't even kissed before and though I think I'm going alright with it I still feel completely out of my depth. I have no idea whether I should be putting the brakes on or whether he's expecting more from me and I'm just not catching the cues. I told him on the first date that I'm an Aspie but I don't think he really thought anything of it because I generally handle myself well in social situations as long as I know where I stand.

I don't really want to sleep with him, but I don't know how long it will be before he'll be expecting sex or whether he's expecting it already and getting annoyed about me not picking up on it.

When we're together I'm completely at ease but whenever I'm not with him I get all these sneaking suspicions in the back of my mind that he's just after me for sex, which is silly because it would be a lot of effort to go to just to get some, but then I think about it and the only other females at work are old or married/unavailable which makes me think it's just because I'm the only one who's so convenient. Am I just a quick, easy target? And is it unreasonable for me to be withholding sex from a thirty-year-old man?

I've thought about it and I don't mind him sleeping with other people to fulfill his needs (he's a man, after all), but I don't know how I could go about saying that without possibly offending him. If he really does just like me for me then I don't want to go ruining it by blurting out something stupid and offending him.

I don't want to be suspicious of him constantly but I can't help it . I know I have a bad habit of overthinking things waaaay too much, but what if I'm right to be suspicious? How do I tell if he's actually into me? Sometimes it seems like he's pushing me away/ignoring me, but then he'll make some small comment that makes me feel like he likes having me there. I've even tried taking the direct approach of just asking him where I stand but whenever I'm with him it doesn't feel like an issue and I can't bring myself to say anything.

On another note, how do I even tell if this is a relationship or not? What is the difference between casually dating someone and actually being in a relationship with them, and how will I know what's what? He's clearly a very experienced guy who has dated a lot of gorgeous people over the years (his travel photos include some snaps of him and women like Austrian models and such that he's dated) and who knows exactly what's going on, but I have absolutely no idea.

My other worry is what if he's just going out with me for the sake of it. I've made sure that he's always the one to suggest going out or whatever so that I don't appear to be too eager, but I still worry that maybe I'm more into him than he's into me and that he's not really interested anymore and just keeps things going because it's easier than doing something messy like stopping dating someone he'll continue having to work with. Or otherwise I'm afraid that he's just sympathy dating me because he know that I'm into him and has no reason not to.

So yes, this whole thing has me tearing myself up over it constantly and I'm so completely lost and confused. I have contemplated calling it off simply because it's giving me so much grief getting all worked up about it whenever I have a few seconds to think, but then that's not really fair because it's not his fault or anything that I just have a compulsive over-thinking problem to the point that I drive myself insane.

Well, thanks for listening to my horribly confusing ramble, and even though I'm pretty sure it didn't make much sense with the order I put everything in but at least it made me feel better to talk about it a bit. I didn't really phrase any particular questions very clearly so any advice or thoughts on the matter you can give me at all is more than welcome! Just ask me for any extra info you think would help to work out where I stand. I'll probably be updating this saga a bit more as goings-on continue and as I remember some of the other things I've been stressing about, so stay tuned for more updates! Thanks again for taking the time to read my long drivel.

I understand your frustration. I really can't say what you should do, as I don't have a first-eye perspective on what's happening. I will say that it's very possible you're more attractive than you give yourself credit for. He may simply be tired of shallow scatterbrains, and find your personality refreshing. But, it might also be what you said.

I really can't tell, and all I can say is be careful. If you've got a good thing going for you, you don't want to screw it up, but be careful. Some men are just naturally affectionate. I'm one of them. The best advice I can give you is to find an older friend/family member you trust, and ask them for advice.

Just make sure whoever you ask for advice has no reason to feel jealous of you or your boyfriend. The last thing you want is bad advice from someone who wants what you have.

It made a whole lot of sense to me, and only sounded a little rambling.

The first thing to think about is that any relationship with a power differential is potentially dangerous. This one has two -- the difference in experience and the difference in age. The "half your age plus seven" rule isn't a bad first approximation, and by that rule, half of 30 plus 7 is 15+7=22, so 22 is the minimum age a 30-year-old should date before you know for certain you've gotten into the range of power differential problems. He's too old for you.

A 30-year-old is going to know a lot more about what they want and what reasonable expectations are than an 18-year-old. And someone who has dated a lot is going to know a lot more about what they want and what reasonable expectations are than someone who hasn't.

Start ending the kissing whenever you've had enough. It's fine, and if he's not using you, he won't mind. If he asks for more, tell him you're offering all you're ready to, and if he wants more he should look for someone closer to his age and experience. That worked really well for me at your age.

About the sex thing. You have to be comfortable with the idea of it and actually want it before you even consider doing it, don't do it for him. If he asks for it and you're not ready for it, say so, it is your body.

About what little I can say on the rest. Have you said to him that he was the first guy you kissed? And have you said that you haven't done this before? Being honest is good, though try to not let yourself get too vunerable.

About wanting to do some more/different stuff, suggest doing some things. I don't know what to suggest about the kissing/make out issue.

Suicune1000, be very careful of this guy. He may have changed compared to how he used to be, but he still sounds 'off' to me. I know you probably won't, but my immediate advice to you is dump him. Fast.

You don't mention anything in your post about getting along with him or loving his personality and humour; things which are vitally important in a healthy relationship. Just that he's good-looking and fancies you. If all you guys do in your spare time is make-out, think how boring that's going to be in a month's time...

He is after you for sex, sorry; that's most guys for you. And he probably will start putting pressure, or sending out 'hints' very soon. If you are not comfortable having with this, tell him straight out and stick firmly to this. He will moan and whinge and may call you frigid, but that's complete BS.

The mantra of having sex on a third date is largely a media image and most girls wouldn't dream of sleeping with someone that soon. If he dumps you for not sleeping with him (which I honestly believe is the second best option; first being you dumping his ass), it shows what a douche he is. If the pressure gets too much, then stop the relationship before it gets any further.

He has absolutely no right to sleep with other girls whilst going out with you, by the way; don't fall for that crap. I know guys who've waited years for their girlfriend to sleep with them. If he wanted you that badly, he would keep it in his pants until you're ready. But, as I said, he doesn't sound the type that would accept that view.

"Am I just a quick, easy target? And is it unreasonable for me to be withholding sex from a thirty-year-old man? "

It's not unreasonable at all. You're only 18. It would be different if you were 38 and he were 50, but it really sounds like he just likes the thrill of being with someone barely legal and you were handy at the time.

You are not easy or quick, but you do sound naive, like a lot of aspie girls out there. Whilst I don't blame you for wanting to hold on to the first person who shows interest in you, you can honestly do a lot better than this; going out with someone, especially at 18, should be light-hearted and fun, not boring you stiff and making you feel awkward.

Girl breathe!.... relationships are hard. It's understandable to feel insecure about how the other party is feeling. Especially if they aren't telling you how they feel about you. It's ok to ask were you stand with him in regards to the relationship. If he is truly into you it won't scare him off. And yes if he's 30 he wants sex... but you don't have to do it until you are ready. And if he is 30 and worldly and experienced then he will have enough gumption to break things off with you if he's done. So I would guess if he's still spending time with you it's because he wants too. Like I said breathe and then communicate. Your doing fine.

I might have been a little quick to put myself in his shoes, but I still can't be 100% sure. I fall for people quick, and have done a lot more than make out with someone I cared for a few weeks into the relationship. *shrug*

I really shouldn't be giving advice. Try to ask someone who can get a first-hand perspective, as I don't think I'm going to be much help.

This is why employees have anti-fraternization policies...

I think it was the employers that started that trend, not the employees. Also, it's related to efficiency and workplace drama more than whether or not someone gets hurt. I don't think big boss CEO cares much about our feelings, so long as we do our job. *shrug*

Yeah that's what I meant, employers... damn e and r keys being next to each other on the keyboard...

Kiddo, if you've been dating this guy for several weeks and he hasn't pressured you for sex, then he's not just after you for sex. Trust me, a good looking guy of 30 can get sex just about anywhere - he doesn't need to pressure an 18 year old co-worker into it. (Also, he has the whole world to date, hon - not just the people he works with.)

That said, there is a tremendous age difference between you two. Although many a young girl are flattered by the interest of an older man, the reality is that if you two are a good match, it's because he's immature....and that's not such a great thing.

What I didn't read in your post is what you want from this relationship. It's clear (to me) that you're not ready to have sex with him. (I don't agree that he owes you fidelity - you don't even know if you're in an exclusive relationship with him.)

You have the right, and the responsibility, to limit the physical aspects of this relationship in whatever way you see fit. Here's the simple truth: all straight guys want sex with the women they're attracted to, and they want it as much and as often as they can have it. Here's the other part of that truth: women take the most serious consequences related to sex: harder-to-cure (and more devastating) STIs; infertility; pregnancy (and that's not even addressing the emotional consequences). Since you're the one who will pay a higher price, you're the one who's got to draw the line.

That means don't make out with him if you don't want to. You certainly shouldn't have sex with him if you don't want to. (And for God's sake, if you do feel like having sex with him at some point, use a condom.) I think it's completely reasonable to have a conversation with this guy, and let him know that you're not ready for sex. (Honestly, though.....I think he must understand that, because he hasn't brought it up yet.) But as long as you're enjoying his company, and you don't feel pressured to do things you don't want to do (that means putting a stop to any make-out session that goes on too long), just try to relax and enjoy getting to know him. That's the whole reason people date, hon - to get to know each other.....to see if they like being together. Try to focus on that, and how all of this feels to you. Try to figure out your expectations of him, and whether he meets them.

Except it's not so simple... I'm a straight guy, and sex isn't such a high priority for me, even in my current relationship...

But then again, why should we disregard this statistical anomaly? I'm just a freak with AS, right?

You're not a freak. There are guys, even with high sex drives, that value the relationship far more than sex.

ToadofSteel - I sure hope sex isn't a high priority in your current relationship, since you're dating a 17 year old girl who seems unsure about what she wants. I'm not going to praise you for acting like a decent guy because you have AS. Note that I didn't praise the NT guy who was the subject of the OP's post for not pressuring her to have sex - I just said it didn't seem like that was all he was after.

I probably should have said my statement was related to NT guys, but an NT guy was the subject of the post. My point was to enlighten the OP about the behavior that she'll likely encounter in the dating world - which is the behavior most women encounter with most men. I would hate to see her taken advantage of, so perhaps I made a statement that made all men seem like horn-dogs, when the reality is that only most men are horn-dogs.

But what really makes me angry with you, ToadofSteel, is that I tried - several times - to get you to see that there are actually other options in your own situation, so your choice doesn't have to be the girl you're with now, or no girl, ever - for the rest of your life. Where exactly do you get off insinuating that I called you a freak? I took the time, and made the effort, and tried to persuade you because the thought of a 21 year old kid writing off relationships for the rest of his life seemed so unnecessarily sad. So here's my last suggestion for you, Toad - learn some manners. You certainly don't have to appreciate the efforts a total stranger would go to to try to help you, but you don't have to behave like a rude, spoiled little kid, either.

Okay, there's been a serious misunderstanding here (once again my fault)... My intention wasn't to insinuate the idea that you called me a freak... far from it. I'm sorry if I sounded offensive to you, that wasn't what I was getting at at all.

What I was getting at was a much more literal interpretation of what I originally said: merely stating that I am, in fact, a freak. Only a freak like me (or a jerk that didn't care about the woman at all) could lose a relationship that had so much promise so fast... if a normal person were in my position, he would handle it a lot more smoothly and wouldn't be in a crisis situation to begin with. Now as of now, my relationship is still alive (barely, although it is slowly recovering), and I'm trying real hard to make this work, both to make her happy and to finally prove to the world that I have the capacity to be something other than a freak...

Thank you all for your responses! I'll see how the next few days pan out to see if I think dumping him like hot coals (even though we may not even be going out) is the best course of action. In the mean time, another post of questions I have that beg answering.

How do I get this guy to open up to me? I can't tell if he's shy or just doesn't want to talk to me, so I don't like poking or prodding too much to make him talk, but it makes me feel really uncomfortable that he doesn't seem to want to just talk to me. Of the few almost-relationships I've encountered, they've been based mostly on knowing the other person really well. I feel like I don't know anything about this guy beyond the surface. Is that an alarm bell going off? Or does it just make me feel wierd because I'm the sort of nosy person who likes to know everything about the people around me even if it makes me seem wierd and stalkerish because I just hate not knowing things?

Last night we were supposed to go out but he asked if we could leave it until tonight instead because he was "just really stressed", "sorting out stuff/issues from the past" and "trying not to blow up at this person who was being completely unreasonable" but he wouldn't say any more than that. He then said at work today that he'd been talking to a girl from England. I take it that he was arguing with an ex-girlfriend over something, but I would have liked it if he could have at least said something like that to me. I mean, it's probably not good relationship protocol to mention previous girlfriends, but I'd rather that than feel like I was just being pushed to the wayside.

He's shopping for a new car at the moment, and as we were talking online earlier this evening we were sending each other links to cars for sale. I say "talking", but we were just discussing the cars we had linked each other to. I was feeling a bit brave, so off-hand I mentioned to him that he doesn't talk very much. He sent me one last link to a car and then didn't talk to me at all. I told him that it wasn't the linking to the cars that was the problem (because we both know that I love cars and I know at times I can get carried away with them) and that I was just making a general statement, but he didn't seem to get it and the conversation died. It was poor timing on my part that led the remark to be misinterpreted in the first place but even so I was hoping for him to at least attempt a conversation with me.

Am I expecting too much too early? How do I tell if he's just shy? I don't mind being pushy if he's not talking because he just thinks I don't want to hear it, but I don't want to press him and make him feel like I'm trying to get in to things that aren't my business. I don't know if I find his personality attractive or not because I feel like I don't know anything about him. I think if I knew what sort of person he was I would like him, but how do I find that out if he never talks about anything of consequence?

Also, do you think it would be worth asking him if we can be just friends for a while to see how he reacts to it? If he's just using me that should send him running for the hills, shouldn't it? Or am I just trying to hold on to something that has no substance because I want it to work and don't want to let go of this opportunity? I know I sounds very silly but I really just don't know anything about dealing with people in this way. I feel like a complete fool having to ask this sort of stuff which I think should be obvious, but it's like as soon as it comes to sorting out this relationship thing my mental age regresses about ten years and I have no idea which way is up.