Feeling Stupid

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At 11 I was deemed to be gifted after testing in the school. I went on to attend an ``advancement`` school. I graduated high school with a bunch of awards. But for whatever reason, I couldn`t handle university and dropped out.

At 35 (May) I was given an AS dx. Then in November of that same year (2009), another doctor said I don`t fit the AS criteria but that PDD-NOS is more accurate.

For pretty much my entire life, I`ve held the opinion that people are generally dumb. I don`t get them. They`re immature, etc etc. This was backed by my gifted label. But now I`m realizing that it isn`t that everyone else is intellectually inferior, it`s that *I* have a pervasive developmental disorder! That pretty much turned my entire world upside down.

My self-esteem has tanked. I feel dumb. For the first time I`m really noticing how long it takes me to read and process something important (for instance, the paperwork from disability that arrived in the mail yesterday). I`m noticing how distracted I get. Example: I was getting ready to put some cream cheese on toast this morning. I walked over to the drawer to get a knife and then thought I should open the blinds. I opened the blinds, walked back to my toast, and realized I didn`t have the knife. I went to the drawer to get the knife and started thinking about the blinds again. This happens to me all. the. time.

Anyway, I`m feeling dumb. While within the household things are fine (3 of 4 of us are on the spectrum), but I`m now hyper aware of my differences when out in the public. It makes me want to retreat. I`m staying in the house more, I`ve culled a lot of people from my facebook friends, I avoid the phone....

I feel stupid. I am not used to it. I do not like it.

It comes with the territory I think. Twice just in the past year I've locked my car door from the outside and walked away from the car with the key still in the lock, only to realize my mistake when I walk back. Just the other day I bought an IPod and tossed the bag in my car. For some reason I thought I got something else and forgot to get the IPod, so I walked back in and bought another IPod. It's not that I'm not thinking, It's just what I'm thinking about and what I'm doing are 2 different things. I hate the fact that I am so absent-minded, but it is pretty funny sometimes.

I feel exactly the same sometimes, but then I remember that it doesn't really matter anyway. The only problem is that in the past you have relied on thinking yourself as more intelligent in order to feel better about yourself. Everybody has different strengths and weaknesses, just think of people who are really stupid. It doesn't bother them much. You probably are quite clever overall anyway. I do know how you feel though, I feel like that often.

I can relate. I learned after just a couple community college courses early on that I actually learn things extremely fast as compared to the rest of my relatively small class, and unlike me, also likely had all their early, prior education where I didn't. I was really tapping my foot all the time waiting for people to catch on so we could move to the next thing. It was very frustrating. I learn things very quickly and yet in everyday circumstances, not so much those sorts of things you're referring to but other social/interpersonal everyday things, I feel like a complete and utter idiot. It's not just my communication that is the problem but a comprehension problem it seems around certain things, as well. I don't know what it is but appears to be a real dichotomy. And I don't know but I feel like things are only deteriorating for me as far as my skills and comprehension or at least where verbalizing it comes in. It takes me too much time so I have to work a lot harder for my communication and in that respect it does feel very much like being trapped inside.

This day just keeps getting worse.

Clever in some areas; far from clever in others. Today is more "burden" than "gift," that's for sure.

Yesterday felt really bad like that for me. It'll probably feel a bit better tomorrow. Have something nice/warm maybe to drink to settle the nerves and see if that at least helps a little. Some days are truly unbearable.