Living In Fear - Today

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I am fearing for my safety today.

Today I had a total meltdown. Luckly, no one was home. I was able to channel my rage and fear on an old empty box with a stick.

Then later I hear an argument between my parents on medical and financial issues. My mother had breast cancer but seems to be cancer-free. Now my father has been diagnosed with kidney cancer and is scheduled to go into surgery in a few days. I stayed in bed most of the day to avoid either of them.

What really scares me now is that I found a .22 cailber handgun on top of thier clothes drawer. Usually it is supposed to be up in the attic. This gun was originally my grandmother's, but with her increasing dementia (she's 88) we took it from her. I asked my mother about the handgun and she says my father is thinking of killing himself. She hid the gun in her drawer.

I AM FRIGHTENED!!

My father is the only one in my household who truely understands my condition and has been helping me with a lawyer get SS disability. He also has many times helped me through my rough days. If he goes, I'll have noone to talk to. My mother is too busy with her church hasn't quite understood my condition, but she is trying. My older brother and his family moved out to Oregon late last year. My younger brother has his troubles to deal with. My grandmother is beyond helping me.

I haven't been approved for disability yet and my money is running out. And now I fear time is running out, too. My mother has also been dropping hints about suicide too. The situation in my household in the last few months has become so bad that my body is being totally stressed out. I have constant headaches, I cry. my shomach hurts, and I had stopped menstrating (I know that may sound a bit graphic to some, but I feel that I must say exactly what is going on to emphasize the grave nature of this situation.)

I feel my household is ready to explode. I fear for my safety and my sanity.

Financial problems can cause a lot of stress and anxiety in a household. For the future it may help if you can even take a walk or ride the bus somewhere when a fight ensues.

For the short term however I suggest strongly you get some counselling for yourself - if you are connected to a church they may be able to direct you to free counselling - or else check with your town or city's local health department or community health center.

They can also direct you to getting help for your parents, which may be a stickier situation as when faced with help they may deny the issue altogether. Another suggestion is the cancer center or hospital where your parents received treatments are used to dealing with depression, etc. and can probably get you some great referrals.

Can you ask your mom to lock up the gun and ammo, separately? Just explain you would sleep easier knowing it wasn't out where anyone could just possibly grab it and have it go off accidentally. Or can you carefully hide it?

Please keep us posted on you and your family. I am concerned for you.

I'm OK.

This morning, while my parents were away running errands, I removed the pistol magazines from both the gun I found on the dresser and my grandmother's pistol in the attic. I hid the ammo in an location they would have difficulty finding. I hid the magazines sepreatly in a locked box in my room and I have the only key. My Dad also has a few rifles, but since they are too large and too much trouble to use, I left them alone.

I also decided to write them a letter and tell them how I feel. I havn't given it to them yet but I want them to read it together.

Thank You for your concern.