Frustrated with friendships.

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The past few years I have thought of myself as depressed, or at least not satisfied with my life. Just recently I have realised that I only feel this way when I am by myself. When I am with people I like I am usually happy, very happy even. This seems odd to me as I definitely have Asperger's and a lot of other people on the spectrum have told me they prefer their own company. I get annoyed about the stupid social mistakes I make, but not until I am alone. This greatly frustrates me, because I find it very difficult to maintain friendships, so I inevitably find myself spending much sat alone (or with my cat) in my room.

This conclusion I come to, and feel free to disagree, is that most people with AS only don't enjoy social interaction because they have AS. It seems so stupid that I just typed that, but I don't think it's as obvious as it sounds. If they could get on well with people, laugh with them, like them and be liked they would benefit an enormous amount on an emotional level. Okay, maybe that is obvious to everyone else, but it's something I've had a hard time figuring out.

I think what I'm trying to say is that we should all try to socialise as much as we can. Risking our pride, we should attempt to join one of these social groups, attend gathering and outing with them, even invite yourself if you have to. But then, I am so conflicted on this. As I type I am constantly changing my mind. If I don't feel liked or respected by people, why would I want to be around them? If interacting with them causes me so much stress, why would I want to socialise with them? Yet I must, it's the way the stupid human brain is programmed. Spend too much time alone and you get lonely and sad.

Does this make any sense to anyone on this forum? Does anybody else sort of feel like this too?

Yes. And when we get lonely and sad we often sublimate it with anger and resentment which is only making things worse for our health both physical and mental.

I don't think I really like spending so much time on my own, I have memories of always being around people and being quite happy about it, it's just become the default position so as to avoid humiliation or whatever. Solitude just seems a whole lot easier than actually going out and doing stuff but it's not going to make you any of the friends you want/need There seems to be a terrible sticky paradox at work here unfortunately we must free ourselves from it as noone else can.

I think you're right about getting out and doing stuff, perhaps treating it as a means to an end would help it not feel so futile. The means being making social with people you may not like so much the end being the experience to go out to find and socialise with people you do actually like.

Kinda makes sense. I don't avoid friendships because of AS per se (I was only dxd when I was 21), but knowing that I was weird long before it was official did make things hard. I thought that because I felt different, people would automatically pick up on it so it was better to avoid rejection by avoiding friendships.

On the occasions where I do have successful interactions (could be something as stupid as small talk with someone on the bus), it buoys me up for a long time and I feel much more confident chatting to other people afterwards...



It's like 'practice makes perfect'; successful interactions are beneficial, but to get to that stage, you need to suffer the stress of building relationships and learning unwritten rules.

What I find helps is having a common purpose, such as a project, or dealing with people within a role (for example, as a soup-kitchen worker or charity fundraiser) as it provides a framework for talking to people and getting over the initial fear.

I am a med student and whilst I find taking patient histories terrifying, I do feel happier afterwards if the conversation went well.

Some AS people crave connection with other people, some don't. For my husband, the connection with me is enough, he says. For me, I wish for more facility with people so I can succeed in the world in different ways and more comfortably. I learned a lot in terms of interpersonal skills when I was a teacher -- about 7 hours a day with other people, but I also learned that so much contact with people is exhausting for me, even though I was successful at it. When I took two months off, I still dreaded going back to it. I'd enjoy it for maybe 1-2 hours a day, 2-3 times a week, maximum. Balance is needed.

Yes, this is what I mean. It's one of the most difficult parts of having AS for me. There is a biological need to do something I find very difficult and this is perhaps a reason why AS is a disability, rather the next evolutionary step, as a small group of people see it. Some people say there are many advantages, but I like to think I would be (fairly) intelligent and driven without it.



I agree with this. Maybe people are driven in the wrong direction though. Bad experiences cause people to feel more anxiety and to avoid interaction whenever they can. This saddens me, and people on the autistic spectrum need to realise that they should try to put themselves in social situations much as they can to learn.

They say that depressed people should pay themselves compliments in order to build self-esteem, I think maybe people with AS should pay others compliments in their heads and sometimes out loud. Advice I have been given is that in order for people to like you, you must like them. So if we can convince ourselves we like someone, and express that fondness in an appropriate way, maybe they will like us back. I would still offend them at times, but I like to think we are moving towards a time where you can honest about your opinion without people being over sensitive. Sometimes it seems like people can't take any criticism at all, even if it was just meant as an accurate observation.