The Unfortunate Myth of Unconditional Love

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Some recent threads have gotten me thinking about this topic quite a bit, and I wanted to offer my perspective.

Unconditional love doesn’t exist between partners – it’s not supposed to. There are conditions one partner can create for the other that will absolutely kill (or at least significantly damage) their partner’s love. For example, abuse, adultery, and addiction are three of the bigs. I know there are lots of you who are thinking, “My partner would never do any of those things to me,” and I believe you. But if he/she did engage in those behaviors, would he/she be your partner for very long? I hope not.

Unconditional love really only exists between parents and children. Don’t misunderstand – I’m not saying it exists perfectly between every parent and every child. There are definitely people who should not be entrusted with the care of a child….there are parents who love their kids, but don’t know how to parent them effectively…all different kinds of people are parents. However, even in dysfunctional families, an incredibly strong bond can exist between parent and child.

If you believe that unconditional love is what a partner provides, you’re wrong. A partner will not love and accept you – and every little thing you do – completely and permanently. Yes, in a healthy partnership, both partners love and accept each other. That doesn’t mean they love everything about each other – it means they’re both realistic about what it takes to make a partnership work, and they’re both willing to make compromises. That’s a very, very different situation than a partner providing all the comfort and reassurance of a parent, in addition to sex. There is no relationship in the world that will offer that kind of validation of your personal worth. So if you’re sitting there thinking, “If only I could meet that one guy/girl who really understands me….who would be patient with me, and accept me – then my life would be perfect,” – I hope you’re comfortable, cause you’ve got a long wait ahead of you. You may find someone like that, but you’d better be prepared to work hard to keep him/her. That means compromise, improving your social skills, learning how to cope with anxiety and stress in healthier ways, and even doing things you plain don’t like doing at times - because you want your partner to enjoy the relationship, too.

Love between partners is conditional – for good reason. You’re meant to regularly assess your relationship. For example, are you receiving the kind of support you give? Are you the one who does all the compromising? How do you feel when you’re with your partner? Can you think of at least one example of how your partner demonstrated his/her love and/or respect for you in the last day or two? This kind of regular assessment can provide you with a realistic understanding of how healthy your relationship is – and that can help you avoid being abused. (And no – it’s not selfish to expect to be treated as well as you treat your partner – it’s smart.)

Please don’t confuse “unconditional love” with commitment. Love is an emotion; commitment is a decision. Commitment means you and your partner decide that rather than splitting up, you’re going to work through your problems. That doesn’t mean gritting your teeth and staying together “for the children,” and it doesn’t mean putting up with being mistreated. It means both parties are willing to do whatever it takes to resolve your problems as a couple. If both parties aren’t willing to do that, there’s no commitment. Let me say that again: unless the commitment is a two-way street, it doesn’t exist. If you’re the only one promising to stay under any condition, you’re devaluing yourself tremendously.

And please don’t expect every relationship you’re in to be a committed relationship. Somebody posted recently that couples should do everything they can to work out their problems. No – every couple shouldn’t be held to that standard. To do so would defeat the whole purpose of dating, which is to get to know each other, and gain a deep understanding of each other’s character. Some couples can tell early on in a relationship that they are not going to be a good match. That means that the process of dating – of getting to know each other – has been effective. Yes, the relationship may be a failure, but every relationship is a failure – right up until the one that isn’t.

And one last word about “settling” for a person, or a kind of relationship, that doesn’t meet your standards. I’m NOT talking to you folks who have your criteria engraved on the back of your Rolex, who wouldn’t think of bending a little in order to get some relationship experience, either. Those standards are – for the most part – hypothetical. I’m talking to the people who are in relationships, with real people, and are not being treated well by their partners. Trust me, you’ll end up belittling yourself for making the choice to stay with that person, and he/she will belittle you by treating you with a lack of respect. Every time they mistreat you, you’ll make it worse by telling yourself what a fool you are for settling for them. You’ll learn all kinds of ways to be abusive – and you’ll take that knowledge into future relationships. Please believe me – if you think it’s better to settle for someone who is wrong for you than to be alone….it’s so much better to be alone. Anyway, I hope this helps some of your out there ….I hope it at least makes you reconsider any questionable choices you’ve made.

I really enjoyed reading this HopeGrows. I more or less agree with everything you have said. I think it is important that people understand the despite how perfect some people out there in the world may seem for you...there is always someone else. There are so many people in the world with so many different characters that it would be a foolish thing to settle for the first thing.

Undoubtedly true. But even then, I still have trouble convincing the back of my mind that there could be anyone out there that is better than the one woman who actually gave me a chance at life. When out of the hundreds of close-in-age women one has interacted with me in life, only one saw in me anything worth being with, i tell you it's really hard to believe statements like that, no matter how much on a logical level i can see that it's the truth.

I certainly can't disagree with what Hope says. But for people like me who's parents never have and never will care about them, this is a bitter pill. It's quite depressing to believe that no one will ever love me for who I am, unconditionally. Of course I would never really mistreat anyone, especially a woman that I loved. But to think that I will always be a compromise and that there is always a bond that she will have with her parents that I will never understand. I despair.

This is not a new revelation to me, how could I not consider these things and more in the 15 years I've spent alone. But I will often try to forget that so that I don't spend all my time hating myself. I realize that it's selfish for me to want someone that will love me above all others, above her family, above her children, above everything. It's selfish, but I do wish I wasn't always number 2 (at most). I wish that one of these times, when her parents or kids or friends or pets or ex-boyfriends or fifth cousin twice removed asks her to choose someone else, that she would say no, she's with me.

Oh well, I'm going to drop it so I don't wallow in self-pity, just giving my perspective. I do agree with what Hope says, pretty much all of it. So, thank you for writing up such a well thought out post as usual, Hope.

I have rarely seen happy couples who know each other deeply and
are friends-for-life, but they are nowadays very very rare. They exist!

I may be naive to think this simply will work, but if two people annoy
each other, might they have the power to agree to stop annoying each
other as much as possible? If they annoy each other then why did they
ever start the relationship in the first place? Nobody's perfect.
Choose:
Either make love not war, (be nice)
or let Misery have Company. (find 100 more toilet seats to leave the wrong way)

I've always thought the concept of unconditional love was rather ridiculous. Not only is it a myth, but it is infeasible.

you should be your own number 1...

I really think this thread should be stickied!

somehow..... i rejected Christianity on similar grounds... just personally. i can see it working for others.

Untrue!!


I know many animals, dogs, cats, a few horses and pigs, 1 Scarlet Macaw and 1 Madagascan Hognose that gave unconditional love, and to many people as well.

Though you are completely right in thinking that about humans, we're totally incapable of unconditional love.

+1.
HopeGrows gives another post of solid gold truth.

I think there are some people who have to be unconditionally loved from a safe distance.

@MikeyPikey92 - Thanks for the compliment. I agree with you....I think life holds lots of opportunities for relationships.

@Toad - The woman who gave you a chance at life is your mother. Your ex-gf gave you your first relationship...whether there will be other relationships is completely up to you.

@Descartes30 - Hang on a minute. I never said you'll never be loved for who you are. There can be tremendous love and acceptance between partners - it just isn't the same as unconditional, parental love - because the love between partners has to be earned and maintained. As far as your parents are concerned, I'd like to make a suggestion (as odd as it sounds): try not to take how they treated you personally. And by that I mean that while it's tragic that your parents treated you badly (very badly, from the sound of it), their treatment of you was about them - not about you. Their inability to treat you the way any child should be treated - with love, patience, kindness, etc. - had nothing to do with the kind of baby, toddler, little kid, big kid, or teenager you were. You deserved wonderful, loving parents - just like every kid does. But your parents - because there is something wrong with them (mentally, emotionally, whatever) - would have mistreated any kid who came along. They are solely responsible for their bad behavior - not you.

As far as wanting a woman to choose you over all others, when you're in a committed relationship, she will be choosing you above all other men. And if you get married, she will be choosing you over her biological family - that's what marriage is....it means you that you create a new, primary family unit with your spouse. But no, a woman will never choose you over her children - and she never should. It's a woman's job to protect her children....how would your life have been different if your mother had protected you? So don't despair, and don't self-loathe. Be nice to yourself - be kind, okay?

@ValMikeSmith, @0_equals_true - True that, to both of you.

@Lene - Thanks, sister.

@Sedaka - That cracked me up, and it was an interesting observation. Well done.

@Vyn - You're right - our pets don't follow the same rules, do they?

@Sound - Thanks so much....if I could only figure out how to get the solid gold out of this computer.

@Claradoon - ....while wearing flame-resistant clothing, too.

to me unconditional love is not loving everything your partner does.

Its still loving them despite not liking what they do - aka - there are no conditions to the love, it will not waver because things about the partner annoy them.

As for cheating and murder etc, i think you will find some people people will still love their partner after these.

In my opinion unconditional love exists.

Yeah I agree with hale bopp on that. Two partners don't need to love everything about each other for it to be unconditional. They don't even have to be each other's #1's (especially in the case of children, where technically both mother and father should consider the kids #1, then have time for each other). But even though they have to compromise (and let's be realistic, every relationship has to compromise to some degree), and they may not consider each other the most important people in their lives, unconditional love can still exist. The people involved just have to keep loving each other, through the times of good and the times of bad. They'll be there for each other, no matter what.

To me, love is unconditional if i can know in my heart that i'll come home and not see this:

unconditional love does not have to work both ways. One person can love another unconditionally and not get it back.

eg:

One can love and accept a man for his flaws - still love him if he upsets me or hurts them, still love him if he says or does annoying things. They can not love them back and walk out. They can do all this and the person still loves them and cares deeply about them.

Love might be one sided, but its unconditionally coming from that person to the other.

Toad, what you're describing is commitment, not unconditional love. Commitment is a bi-lateral, completely mutual decision - not an emotion. The whole point of this thread is that no couple "just keeps loving each other." If you expect that to happen, you'll be disappointed. If you wait for it to happen, you'll be waiting for a lifetime. A lasting, loving relationship doesn't happen by chance, or luck, or prayer - it takes continuous, dedicated hard work.