Do you argue with your spouse?

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Your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife (whichever!) I see my sister/brother in-law argue aswell as mom/dad and I HATE IT! In a way while I wish I had boyfriend (for the dating cuddle etc.) I can't imagine arguing with someone. Why would I be with you if we are going to argue? I want to ENJOY you and have you have the same interest as me etc and think alike and such. I've questioned my sister on arguing one day in the store and she said I didn't understand since I've never had a boyfriend. I took it harshly and started having a meltdown (I was in tears) I don't WANT to argue/fight with a boyfriend!! !! Most of my sister's fights are daddy wants to hunt/fish not stay home to watch there son. (that's how I see it) mom/dad are over disciplining the kids yelling at them and sometimes mom thinks dad went overboard or vice versa THANKFULLY it's NEVER over money (they budget and stuff) I hate they argue over how to discipline the kids. (BTW I put this under random since it's not about love/dating but having a relationship so random sounded like the right board for this sorry mods)

Sometimes.

How often are they arguing? All couples argue but if it's all the time, then something is wrong with the relationship.

I used to feel the same way and I never understood why couples fight or what they fought about. I've been married twice and fought frequently with both of them

It's not intentional, it just happens when one person does something that upsets the other person and the other person may feel justified in their action and it becomes difficult for either party to have a satisfactory resolution. Few people "want" to fight or "pick fights" most of the time things just come up that both parties feel strongly about and it's very difficult to come to an agreement without either person feeling slighted or that something was done unfairly.

For example let's use your sister's example - Her husband wants to go out and do things he likes to do. His wife wants him to spend time with his family. She thinks its selfish that he wants to do things alone while she has to take care of the kids all the time. She thinks its unfair to her. He, on the other hand, thinks *she's* being selfish to want him to give up all his hobbies. He thinks it's perfectly reasonable to go out and do things on his own once and a while and enjoy himself. He thinks his wife is being unfair and she thinks he is being unfair.
Both veiwpoints have some merit. It's very difficult to resolve such an issue without anyone feeling resentful E.g. - he stops fishing to spend time with his family. He feels unhappy because he really enjoys fishing and he feels like it has been stolen from him and he doesn't see why he shouldn't be allowed to fish occasionally. OR She stops bugging him and lets him go fishing whenever he wants. She feels unhappy because she feels he cares more about the fishing than his family. See what I mean?? How would you suggest resolving such an issue in a way that both parties can be happy?? It's hard!


Second, You assume that you would think the same and have similar interests as your bofriend. That's where you're wrong. No two people think exactly the same about everything and conflicts *will* come up.

Last edited by mitharatowen on 12 Mar 2010, 1:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Unless it's just heated debate and they like that sort of thing.

I personally love debating. There's a difference between it and fighting, though.

there is for me anyway many people seem to disagree with me on that

My husband and I argue. I think it's healthy. Sometimes we argue about differences and about compromises, sometimes it's nothing more than venting frustration, sometimes it's just a passionate conversation and nothing more. Sometimes I have to make something more than it is just to get him to take something seriously in the first place.

Arguing is a necessary part of any close relationship. When it's bad is when it becomes personal. I am OK with my husband saying things about my behavior, or even not liking something about me, but don't call me a B***. That's when it's bad. We have an agreement that name calling is not allowed, and we stick to that. I also think that NOT arguing is just as bad as arguing all the time. If a couple never argues, then one person is doing the compromising to keep the peace. The person who does that will eventually blow, or leave, and the other person is left wondering what happened.


My son HATES it when we argue, or even raise our voices to each other in a debate. He yells over us until we stop, and then we have to do it later. It's actually kind of nice, because if I am really mad, or my husband is, we can talk about it when we aren't so emotional and we CAN'T get out of hand and then have to play fix it.

I'm not sure one would call it arguing but I get very irritated w/ my husband. He adds to my sensory overload in a big way. He puts things away in the wrong place, he adds water to the dish detergent, he leaves his hat and coat in separate places, he leaves his shoes whereever he takes them off, I could go on and on. I try to be good natured abt it but sometimes I go into melt down over this stuff. It is difficult to be aspie and married. I don't think it's a picnic for him either because I am not affectionate and he is. It's all abt give and take.

who doesn't??????

My wife and I argued all the time for about four years - a couple years before getting married in 2000, and a couple years afterwards. We were both used to living alone in our own ways, and we really needed those arguments in order to work out how we could live together. Having really got that down, though, there's been very little arguing since - maybe once every couple of years or so, and it's much milder.

I remember some time after we'd been married three or four years, someone who was having trouble with his new partner said something about how he wished they could be like us, because we never argued. My wife and I both broke out laughing at the same time. But when we told him about how we used to argue all the time, he wouldn't believe us - I guess our arguments had resulted in our adjusting really well to each other.

^ I don't . It's one of the reasons I've married my husband - we never fight or shout at each other. We sometimes disagree, but none of us gets riled up by it.

I have a very low tolerance for people who yell and thrive on conflict - I've learned to put up with them when I have to, but I would be completely miserable if I was to live like that.

OMG THANK YOU! This is EXACTLY how I feel!! !! !! OMG! I don't want to put up with yelling etc either! I'm in a relationship to enjoy a person not yelling at each other and stuff! Very well said I agree!! !! !!

Both my father and sister have a terrible temper - my mother and I are the peace loving people

I can tell you one thing - the last 8 years without insults and conflicts did wonders for my anxiety and stress levels.

I understand your point as I've seen my mother doing all the compromises for years. But my experience is different - we both compromise without fighting and when this doesn't happen "easily", we negotiate. But we communicate a lot better if we make an effort to stay calm and try to avoid the hostility and emotional draining that anger can bring.

I'm not saying this best is for everybody, but it works very well for us.

My husband and I are the same way as you are now. We negotiate also and we work together very well, but it took a little while to get there. My husband can be a little inflexible, but we have worked through those issues and we are great now, arguing very little anymore. My statement was referring mostly to past relationships I've had. I am the eternal peace keeper, doing what it takes to avoid conflict, (learned from my mother), and hurting myself to avoid hurting others, but I realized that you cannot be the only one to bend all of the time because even though at the time it keeps the peace, it's damaging in the long run. I have learned that having some conflict really does bring you together, and you don't have to be the one to bend every time and you don't have to be afraid of it. It's when it gets nasty it's bad, or when one side always compromises. Eventually that leads to resentment. That is never good.

We also don't go to bed mad.

MommyJones, you sound a lot like me. In my first marriage I was the one doing all the compromise and as a general rule I would rather hurt myself than hurt others. The first marriage blew up because I got very bitter and resentful and now I am in a second marriage. My new husband is great but can be a little inflexible at times. I find myself fighting for myself instead of backing down like I used to because I am afraid that if I back down, I will get walked all over again. It seems to me like I may have possibly gone too far to inflexible side out of fear os being taken advantage of.

Sorry Zelda, couldn't resist

Honestly, I don't mind the odd argument. I mean, it sucks at the time, but afterwards the feeling in the air is a lot clearer. I find it's a lot better to have a heated argument and get it over and done with, than resort to silent resentment or sulks that last for days.

Of course, talking rationally about everything would be ideal, but that's not going to be possible all the time; sometimes people will feel really strongly about an issue and once emotions are involved, no matter what level of trust and communication there is, it's really hard to prevent things from boiling over.

Tiredness and alcohol are also risks; the first because it makes you grouchier, the second because it inhibits your ability to see when the other person is at 'grouchy' level. But just because the argument happens, doesn't make the relationship a total disaster by itself.