When Dating..

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Does anyone consider looking at porn, without the other partner or their knowledge of it, cheating? Nothing graphic or anything-- but do you consider it cheating?

Sorry if this is wrong forum, mods.

I wouldn't consider it cheating. In fact, couples can get great ideas as to how to spice up their sex lives through porn.

Right, but when one doesn't like it or consent to it-- is it cheating?

I'm assuming this means either you're looking at porn without your partner knowing and had a sudden fit of conscience, or that you've caught your partner looking at porn and not sure whether to consider it cheating?

Hmmm, that's a tough one.

in general i do not watch porn. i will never have to worry about the answer to this question anyways since i have never even been looked at by the opposite sex let alone dated. i am very desperate to be noticed by the opposite gender, but some guys are shallow when it comes to romantic attachments and only want to be with women who fit the perfect stereotype of what a woman should be. i do not have the genetic material to be this way, so whether or not i want to be like the "perfect female", this is not even an option.

i am not old fashioned, but i do not want to support an industry that exploits people. even when watching porn that is legal, you are supporting the illegal kinds as well as other lovely things such as drug dealing and organized crime. also, people that are in porn videos are often so desperate for money, that they are willing to put themselves into positions where they will be exploited. many of those in porn videos may also be prostitutes, who are also exploited because they are often intimidated by those who run brothels, from leaving.

Wait....you dont watch porn?!?!

No, it's not cheating. Cheating has to involve at the very least an emotional involvement, and at most a physical involvement with another person. Porn doesn't qualify on either level.

If you want to explore the sociological, physical, and emotional differences between the way men and women approach sex, porn offers a pretty good perspective. If you're talking about masturbation, men typically desire (perhaps require?) more variety than women, more visual stimulation, and greater frequency. Masturbation and porn are not about love and/or emotional commitment to men - it's about getting off. (Trust me, they are not thinking about raising a family with the women they see in porn.) From a practical perspective, porn can be one of the key ingredients to a successful, satisfying monogamous relationship: it provides the variety and visual stimulation - on demand and in private - without requiring the involvement of an actual person from outside the relationship.

If this is your relationship you're concerned about, I think you might want to take a look at why you want to control your bf's approach to masturbation. (Assuming he's not looking at porn that is illegal or involves some type of fetish you find horrifying.) What if the situation were reversed? How would you feel if your bf objected to you reading a romance novel or some type of lusty literature - or even looking at actual porn - when you wanted to get off? Wouldn't you wonder whom it was hurting, or why it was any of his business what you think about while masturbating? Does it really make a difference to you what he's fantasizing about when he masturbates? I hope not, cause that's not your decision to make, or to approve. It's his own business - it's no reflection on you, and it's not cheating, hon.

No, this has nothing to do with my relationship I had overheard a conversation about this the other day. I think it is absolutely violating trust, if one partner doesn't consent to it. Was just curious if anyone considered it "cheating."

I'm glad to hear that it's not about your relationship. I honestly don't see how looking at porn is something both partners have to consent to - unless both partners are looking at it together.

Porn is about inspiration for masturbation, and sometimes inspiration for sex. I believe very strongly in monogamy and fidelity. I believe emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical affairs. But how is looking at pictures or video containing sexual content a violation of trust? Trust in what? Do you think one partner will provide all the sexual stimulation his/her partner needs or wants for a lifetime? Seriously....haven't you ever been a little turned on by a celebrity? Even though women typically want and/or need material that is less graphic (and less likely to be considered porn) - if something other than your partner is providing sexual stimulation, do you see that as a violation of trust as well? I sure don't.

Even within a committed relationship, there should be no expectation that partners have to approve of each other's fantasies. It's like saying it's a violation of trust if your partner masturbates. If you want a man to remain physically and emotionally faithful over the course of a lifetime, it makes sense to acknowledge that men and women have very different emotional and physical sexual needs, and very different approaches to satisfying those needs. Partners who don't acknowledge that won't be together very long.

Well, I see it like this: If something is just going on inside someone's head, that's their business. Using time that a couple could be usng together to stare and other women or men when it offends the other partner is wrong, IMO. If something else is needed in a sexual manner, it should be something that doesn't offend the other partner. When I was married, my husband was totally opposed to using toys. I loved toys. I wasn't going to use them since they bothered him.

I find it to be along the lines of one partner not consenting to a drinking lifestyle, or a smoking lifestyle. Some people absolutely find porn offensive and degrading. If you are with someone who feels that way and you know it, then I think another outlet for sexual energy should be found.

I find that attitude slightly odd. I would have thought if he believed in freedom for all he would have let you use them. He doesn't have to participate.

I suspect I could probably do without porn, as the time I use it is much less than an active sex life for me. However i wouldn't consider it cheating as a rule.

No, not cheating. Though a couple may be intimate on screen, there's no reciprocity between the parties. If it were cheating, there would be much more cheating (e.g watching a beautiful girl at the beach, watching a couple at the beach making out, fantasizing about another person).

Too much of a slippery slope.

Cheating should only be considered "cheating" if there's physical intimacy. Otherwise a heart-to-heart talk with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex if you're into that type of relationship) could be considered de facto cheating.

Hmmm....I guess if there's an addictive process going on (and there can be with porn), I can understand taking issue with it. But unless it's an addictive process - where the use of porn replaces or significantly limits time and attention to the person's partner, I think objecting to porn because it's "offensive" to one's sensibilities (again, assuming nothing illegal about the porn) is a very short term strategy. Because in the end, the guy is going to look at porn...the overwhelming majority of guys look at porn - and it's nothing more to them than a means to an end. But if a woman makes porn the hill she's willing to die on in a relationship, it's the hill she'll die on.

I don't see the correlation between looking at porn and drinking/smoking. Drinking and smoking have a physical impact on your partner. You have to deal with someone who's drunk or hungover, or you get to deal with second-hand smoke. Those are actual serious impacts to a person's life. I agree that some porn is offensive and degrading, and lots of it isn't. However, unless the matter was discussed and agreed to prior to marriage (if they're married), then it's really unfair to try to negotiate the matter at this point. If the couple in question is not married, they probably shouldn't be. They're not a good match, and they'll be fighting about this stuff for the rest of their lives. As far as your ex goes, I think his attitude was ridiculous. If we want to have successful, monogamous relationships, then it's up to each of us to find ways to satisfy our partners sexually. Cause if we don't, they'll find other outlets for that satisfaction. Seriously, using toys doesn't qualify as a fetish - it isn't even kinky. I'm glad you're not stuck with him any longer.

Well, drinking or smoking away from the partner wouldn't affect them at all. It's their bodies, they can choose to do what they wish to it.

I also think it is something that 2 people can talk about and agree to changes after the fact. If something I did really offended my partner, I could do without it and find something else to replace it. If someone can't replace it with something else, then I think its a problem and an addiction. My bf and I have both decided not to have porn in our relationship (we both have used it in the past). Instead, we experiment with a lot of other things and ideas. I am not particularly offended by it, but I could see why people would be. I just don't think that porn ever has to be a necessity in a relationship.

I also am glad I am not stuck with my ex-dh anymore, LOL.

You'd accept a ban on something as personal as the use of porn if your partner hadn't bothered to discuss it prior to the marriage, because he (subjectively) finds it "offensive?" I'm not even sure that's healthy. When you're talking about monogamy, you need to get all your sexual cards on the table prior to making the commitment. If this couple is married and didn't discuss porn prior to the marriage, it's not fair to ban the behavior now - if monogamy and fidelity is still the expectation. If they're not married, they're clearly not compatible, because men look at porn....and that means the whole idea of porn is going to fuel a power struggle over the course of the relationship.

I believe this "offensiveness" to porn is more likely a smoke-screen. People who object to all porn are really just afraid of being compared to the air-brushed perfect women, or the massively endowed muscled hunks depicted in porn. And the funny thing is, even though women are afraid of being judged by their partners, most men don't judge the women they're lucky enough to be with. They actually realize they're fortunate to have a quality woman in their life and their bed, and don't bother with making childish comparisons. It's kinda foolish to risk a marriage or an otherwise good relationship over fear, and the need for power. Oh well.....