Why is empathy such a big deal?

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I remember reading in "A Friend Like Henery", the parents are so excited because they think their son is truely expirencing empathy because he says it is a shame that something happened to someone. It turns out he was feeling sorry for a car. I've always been accused of lacking empathy because I simply do not or cannot feel anything for people but complan when people are cruel to animals or make excuses for it or try to justify vivisection because it helps people. If someone does those things to an animal they are called a scientist but if they did the same exact thing to a person they would be labled a phycopath and if you suggest they use pedophiles or sex offenders for expirments you get called a phycopath as well.

Even as a little kid I was told I need to care more about people and it confused me. Humans are the most spiteful, greedy, hateful, cruel and destructive creatures on the planet but if I express sympathy for an animal I get acussed of being a mental case. Perhaps it is not empathy at all but compassion. I don't feel that fore people either. My mum says I possibly have an attactment disorder in addition to autism because I never really seemed to care about anyone. I have to fake empathy for even my own family so I do not offend them or further ostocise myself from everyone but in reality I do not care and or do not feel anything. My mum says I love my lizard more than anyone because it is not a give and take relationship because lizards are not capable of emotion.

But why is empathy (espicaly empathy for other people) such a big deal?

I feel empathy for people who are real.

Well, I suppose if you don't need anything from any other human being, then empathy isn't important. If you expect a person to care about you or do something for you in kindness, then empathy is very important. A relationship is give and take.

I do feel empathy, but have some trouble expressing it. Sucks.

~Kate

Same here. I worry that, by showing empathy towards somebody who is upset, I might unintentionally make them feel worse.

there is a distinction between empathy and compassion. I feel a lot of compassion for anyone going through tough times.

I am the same way. I used to fear when I was young (10 or so) that I didn't have empathy, and that I may develop into a sociopath. I then learned that I am autistic maybe six years later. But in response to the initial post:

Empathy is important for the same reason you dislike humans as a species. And your descriptions of humanity as evil are not incorrect. However, empathy is necessary because there is more than just the whole, there is the individual. Individuals may not be inherently evil, even if society is. It is like the biblical destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. In Genesis 18:2, Abraham asks God if he would spare the city if fifty righteous people were found living there, then forty-five, then thirty, then twenty or even ten (and even one in some accounts). Each time, the Lord answered, "No." The message this sends to me is that the minority cannot be judged with the whole, or even the majority. Even if you aren't religious, I hope you find some meaning in the story. As for vivisections, I am against it, except under certain circumstances- that the scientists is certain that something will be gained by it, that anesthetics are used, and that it isn't lethal (as in, animal can be stitched together, etc. so that they can live normally afterwards). Sentencing a criminal to such tests is very difficult because they may have changed their ways, so to speak. So far as I know, humans are the only creatures (except perhaps for a select few species of primates) who can experience guilt, and seek redemption. I hope I have provided a satisfactory reason as to why empathy is needed.

Another note... Those with Einstein Syndrome have no desire for social interaction, and seem to have no need for it, while those with, say, Asperger's, do want social interaction, even if they have come to despise it due to experience. The two are sometimes difficult to differentiate between, so if you were diagnosed with Asperger's or even another form of autism, you may wish to research Einstein Syndrome. And I am not a medical or neurological, psychological, etc. professional, so you should first contact such an appropriate professional before making any decisions or taking actions based upon said decisions.

You are confusing empathy with sympathy. Sympathy is when you feel bad for someone, or for an animal, when they are having a tough time. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and see things from their point of view.

Aspies are not good at empathy, at understanding what other people are thinking or feeling, because we miss the social cues.

Aspies can have a lot of sympathy, however, for people who are suffering.

I'm not sure why you have trouble caring about other people. That could be an AS thing or something else, I really don't know. Maybe it's like you said, people have been mean to you, but not animals, and that's why you feel closer to animals.

Empathy is not defined as feeling the same as another (that’s co-dependency), but rather the ability to hear what another is saying and to tell them that you heard.

Emotional empathy means you can be attuned to another's inner-emotional world, understanding another's experiences by linking them to your own. Natural empathy does not require this, for it is a deep emotional resonance and compassionate reaching out to the other, without the need for such emotional linking and achieved without any significant loss of self."

But why is empathy (espicaly empathy for other people) such a big deal?

What you refer to as empathy is important for basic psychological bonding between NTs. It aids in understanding and promotes reciprocation ranging from simple affection to material objects. Our condition, by definition, precludes us from participating in these activities on an instinctual level. We show our attachment in different ways (or we don't show it at all -- doesn't mean it isn't there).

Allow me to throw in the next logical question: Then why should I worry about empathy? Why should any of us care?

We should care because most of us with AS crave social interaction, friendships, relationships, but lack the instinctual ability to properly maintain them. When isolated, we become lonely. However, there is good news. While we struggle with experiencing empathy/sympathy/whatever-you-want-to-call-it, we can learn to emulate these behaviors with others. Take gift-giving, for example. This was an area that cost me a number of romantic relationships as I did not know to give (or give back) gifts. It took time to learn that this was expected of me (if I wanted to maintain the romantic relationship). This is all planned/learned behavior on my part, regulated by schedule and event. It is not and will never be instinctual.

So look at yourself now. Do you care about the thoughts and opinions of others? Their approval or disapproval? Do you desire to be "liked"? These things seem to matter for you. Therefore, I would take steps to learn to emulate this behavior. Take notes if you need to. Write down what things should be responded to and how. It'll never be perfect, but it can be pretty good and it can help your feelings about yourself.

This isn't a cure, of course, and it won't stop the "emotional disconnect" many of us experience (Good example: My relative dies and I remain dry-eyed. My favorite video game character dies and I become a sobbing ball in a corner. This is me. It sucks, but that's how it fundamentally IS).

What this will do is make others want to be around you.

Last edited by ViperaAspis on 15 Apr 2010, 8:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Because we want people to have empathy for us, as well.

But don't you think people exist who expect others to care about them/do something for them in kindness, but simply CANNOT feel empathy for anyone else no matter how hard they try?

If so....do you think that empathy is something one must work on, something one must cultivate? What if they make every reasonable effort to cultivate it for years and still fail to develope any empathy?

At what point would we be willing to admit that empathy may have nothing to do with free will, at least when it comes to certain people?

At what point would we be willing to admit that some people just may lack certain neurobiological characteristics which may be responsible for empathy?

Don't you believe that there may be people in this world who are no more capable of feeling empathy than a crocodile is?

First of all, regarding the bold sentence: BS!

About 15 years ago I had a neighbour who had 2 turtles. When one died, the other one got upset, didn't wanna eat, and only wnated to go the cage where the other turtle had lived. This turtle had never been very loving towards the owner, and would only stay in his arms for a few minutes. He was sad and picked up the turtle for confort, and was surprised when it stayed for an hour. He absolutely felt they had comforted each other. The turtle stayed obsessed with the cage for weeks. Don't effing tell me they don't have emotions!

Okay, to the topic:
I know exactly what you mean. I have never cared about people either. I have never taken any interest in people at all. It's not due to bad experiences, it's due to a complete lack of interest. I have never been interested at any age, not even before I understood that I differed from the rest. In nursery I would go to the fence to be by myself, as the others didn't usually go there, they played elsewhere. I'd go there and think and day dream. Same in kindergarden and onwards.

(The only thing I can't relate to, is the part about not caring for family. My parents + maternal grandparents are the only people I have ever cared about. I love/d them highly, but I'm unable to tell them directly or showing compassion when something is wrong. It's not that I don't care about them, as I've pointed out, it's just that I can't express it. The rest of my rels, acquaintences etc have never meant anything to me. There is no emotion there.)

I am unable to feel anything for people other than that. yet I know I can feel empathy, for I have always felt sorry for animals and objects/machines. When my father told me to go out and "lose" a thing he wanted to get rid of, I obeyed, but I felt very sorry for the dart board that was going to get exposed to the elements, left behind (I was 5.) At the same age (4-5) I saw a dead magpie and I felt so sorry for it.

In elementary school I enjoyed watching the cars passing my school. I took way more interest in the cars passsing during one recess than I ever took in the kids I knew my entire childhood.

I have always been compassionate toward animals. When I see an animal suffering, I feel torn between physical pain and rage. It's almost as if the pain is mine.

When I see people suffer, be it something I see IRL or something in the news, I don't feel a thing. I'm not a sadist, I just don't care. It's just a piece of information for me. I can understand intellectually that they are bad off, but there is no emotion involved. "20 killed in bombing." "The table is brown." Both statements create equal response in me. "200 pigs died when barn burned". Bang! It hits me like a physical blow in the stomach, and I have to try to not think of it, because it's so terrible, too much.

(I still even can feel for machines. I know that they are inanimate, there is no confusion there, but I am still avle to get slightly emotional. Nothing like with animals, though.
The scene in Herbie where the car "runs" around the town "crying", made me feel a small lump in my thoat. ET makes me cry. I know it's just idiotic and just made up (in every aspect of the meaning), yet I feel something. A movie about people - no reaction.)

PunkyKat, I don't see the problem at all. it's great that some of us care for animals. Most people can't see beyond their own kind. The planet badly needs people who care for animals, people who can point out that life is life, we're not the center of the universe, existence doesn't orbit humanity.

People behave as if this is their world alone. It is not and everyone needs to remember that. Read Frank Schätzing's "Swarm"? I wish yrr was real...



It seems a lot of aspies do, but not all of us do. I have never once craved interaction, friendship or relationship. I have never wished I had friends. I have never longed to be with anyone. A few years ago when my mother was away for some weeks, I missed her once or twice, but I didn't miss havinge someone to talk to, I missed her. There's a difference. I have never desired contact with my "peers".
I'm not a fan of Christopher Gillberg, but his criteria 1b fits me

He assumes that about 40% of the aspies are "active but odd" ("deviant"), ca another 40% are "aloof" ("sheltered"), and the rest are passive. I don't know what he bases that number on, but it'sobvious that some aspies don't have the social desire at all.

I have never been interested in anything besides my interests. When I began school, I walked slowly to school, after all it was just school. The other kids hurried to get there more or less in time. On the way home they took their time (the little while I saw them) while I hurried to get home to get on with my life, home to my pets, toys and books and the solitude of my room where I could think in peace. Cross out toys and 25 years later it's still me.


I know the names of most of the neighbour hood dogs, yet I don't recognise their owners without the dog, nor do I easily recognise the people in the stairs we live. I had no trouble telling my ex-neighbour's turtles apart.


I have seldom if ever been able to relate to anyone. Even when someone cries over their late dog, I think of my dead dog and feel sad, but it's my grief for him I feel, not for them or their loss. I understand what they feel, I know because I've been there, but it's my sorrow it brings back.

I think most people are driven towards people, while some of us are not, and I fail to see that it's a problem that some of us have other priorities.

This is a really good question. To me, empathy means being able to temporarily put yourself in the mental state another person was in at a given point; I think of it as involving imagination and some degree of simulation. I think it's not the only or even the best way to have social skills (i.e. I know NTs who have decent social skills but are too wrapped up in their own perspective to have much empathy, and aspies with tons of empathy but poor perception of body language and awkward mannerisms). I do think it's possible to act kindly towards others without feeling empathy or even really understanding them at all (Lynne Soraya describes a great example here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/asp ... -the-other). So in that sense empathy isn't really necessary. However...

One of the things that makes me happy is feeling "connected" to people. This comes from feeling like I don't just know facts about them, but I understand how they're thinking and feeling. Looking for this sort of connection has led me to have very "deep" conversations with people (so much better than small talk!). I don't know how it's possible to have a relationship that feels intimate and satisfying without at least some degree of empathy (perhaps a limitation on my part? I don't know). Since I'm neurologically quirky and a lot of my behavior is easily to misinterpret, I also want other people to empathize with me. And how can I expect that from other people without being willing to return the favor? (This is not to say I assume everyone who needs empathy can experience it, just that it's just fairer and more desirable for it to go both ways, if possible).

"When I see people suffer, be it something I see IRL or something in the news, I don't feel a thing. I'm not a sadist, I just don't care. It's just a piece of information for me. I can understand intellectually that they are bad off, but there is no emotion involved. "20 killed in bombing." "The table is brown." Both statements create equal response in me."
You're really lucky. I don't watch the news because it's just too upsetting. I feel about people suffering the way you feel about pigs suffering, feel helpless to do anything about it, and get depressed...it's kinda dysfunctional.

It's a big deal for me. I remember first seeing the term in a counselling book called "An Experiment With Empathy" and once I knew what it was, I immediately thought "that's exactly what I've been craving all these years." The book reckoned that people have a psychological need to share their emotional experiences with others and to receive feedback that those emotions have been "felt by proxy" by those others.

The way they did it sounded pretty much out of bounds for Aspies though. The subject and the other person would sit face-to-face and the subject would tell of an event that had made them feel strong emotions. It was the other person's job to "live" this experience with them, and then they'd feel what the subject felt, and their facial expressions would relay this back to the subject. They reckoned that this had a strong healing effect on the subject, in the case of negative emotions, even when the other person gives no practical help at all.

It might work with NTs of the right calibre, but personally I doubt if I could manage a session like that (though it would be interesting to try, just to see how my Aspie traits blocked the exercise). But I do get a lot out of empathy on the rare occasions that it happens - just that for me it all has to be inferred from speech, writing and general behaviour. It seems to do me good whether I give or get empathy (I know Aspies are supposed to be unable to empathise, but I think we can as long as we have the time and the inclination)......it makes me feel included and validated, and I see it as one of the elements from which love is formed.