Communication break down...is there really any hope???

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My spouse has undiagnosed AS, he scored 160/200 on the AS test & has so many tendencies that there is no doubt he will be one day diagnosed, also now that we found this info, it explains much of his family as well.
I need to find a way to open up a two way adult communication within our relationship. I need some help Asap so we can both discuss the day to day issues and occurrences that happen in our relationship without him shutting down or taking off.( which he has done many times).
I have changed my approach, I have discussed things in different words, tones, times & even in writing.

However, this is my life-I address something that is a problem, I tell we need to come with a solution to this, he sits there speechless, says not a word, staring straight ahead, often walks away when he has heard enough or when he feels I am finished, and then does not offer a word back EVER.

Ive tried so many different ways to resolve issues with him, but they never get resolved,and naturally they come up time & time again as theres never been any resolution the first time around. I am very frustrated and do my best to understand why he behaves the way he does.

When things are good, they are really good. However If I want to discuss anything outside of the positive, no matter how big or small it is, I get silence. Ive even begged him to write me a response. Next day if I ask him again to reply, he says” well I thought we already went over this”, why are you bringing it up again. Which of coarse I did talk about it..into dead air.
but again he never offered a word back, nor does he ever.
I cannot read his mind, and from what I have experienced, when he feels when I’m done talking, the situation is overfor him & we are moving on???
Is this typical of AS?? If so how do I ever resolve or discuss adult issues if it is only one sided from my end & silence on his.
Talking to the wall has become a fact of life for me, I feel so alone & I feel like theres nothing I can do. Ive begged him to speak to me, but he walks away. If I pursue, then its no better, he coverts to a catatonic state often , fetal position if pushed, covers his head & that’s that,,,hes gine for a few days from my life. In the past before I heard about AS, I would push him to communicate, however when I did, he would then just take off & go elsewhere cutting off all communication with me..often for days.
I always find him & have to go & coax him back & then he is fine, but again, never any resolution. I have read AS can be manageable & ppl do have successful relationship, I want that with all my heart. Please offer me some techniques I have not tried , but tell me there is another way.

When you say you want resolution, what does that mean, exactly? That's an issue with my wife and I. If I've done something to hurt her, and she points it out, generally I'll apologize and let her know that I won't do it again (if, of course, we determine that the problem was with me). Is there something more to do after that?

As for your specific situation, you'll need to bring up some specific examples of problems you've discussed and how they were handled after that. Your post is kind of vague on details, and that's where the devil always is.

I don't think this is a sign of AS.

This is just something some men tend to do. Honestly, I have no patience for men who won't communicate to be a partner in solving a problem as I find that quite illogical and I wouldn't have married him.

If you are really want to work with him on the issue I suggest speaking with him about the issue in the presence of a marriage counselor.

> When things are good, they are really good. However If I want to discuss anything outside of the positive, no matter how big or small it is, I get silence. Ive even begged him to write me a response. Next day if I ask him again to reply, he says” well I thought we already went over this”, why are you bringing it up again.

Did you get married without ever having a conflict before? Or was he always like this?

Facing conflict is something many people refuse to do, and it's a gigantic cultural issue. Sounds like it's important to you, too, but it's something he does not accept. You have a need that he doesn't seem to accept. I found that learning about nonviolent communication helped me interact on these topics much more effectively. The other person has to understand that something is important to you. Being listened to and getting a response is important. Solving problems is very important! Getting clarification can be important. He doesn't see the point.

You want to understand wehre he's coming from, right? Maybe he would explain that to you. Is he just stressed out and could deal with it later after having some time? You need to exchange ideas about communication and conflict resolution. He needs to help you understand where he's coming from and why he is shutting down and how he expects the relationship to work in future. You're not getting what you need.

It's a cliche that guys hate relationship talk. This is relationship talk -- talking about how you see the relationship continuing. It's important. We can't always just walk around blindly, not examining our assumptions.

Well for instance Ive discussed his lack of hygiene, his showers , nail trimmings & clothing changing & how they have all fallen to the way side in the past cpl mths. When we began living together( we are not married, however together 3years).
When he first moved in with me 1 1/2 years ago, he immediately went from shaving every week, to not shaving anymore, no matter how much I begged. now all I get is maybe once every 5-6 weeks...I coudnt believe this handsome clean shaven man just became a unshaven , untrimmed bum immediately..I hated it..however he refused to do what he did for our first year & 1/2 , shave , saying he has sensitivre skin . Of late I tried for about two mths to gently nudge him to shower when Ive noticed he hasnt showered in 3days ( yes Ive been keeping score) and just recently has begun to give me some atitude about it, he will go shower, but Im finding it more & moe I have to discuss it before he will do so?? So I finally got frustrated with im & told him no more going three days, no more sleeping or wearing the same cloths for three days, and all I got was silence, not a word .
Next day I emailed him my concerns about how I feared this would be like the shaving & I cannot go on with telling him when to wash..I feel like his mom 100% and its destroying intimacy etc ..again. no reply. When i go home he smiled & said " you worry to much" I suppose that was that for the discussion..so I had a discussion with him that night about my fears with his AS, his computer use, his inability to communicate & told him I really needed his help with a solution on how we can actually discuss things, he got up & walked away..went to bed, then avoided me this morning by leaving as soon as I got up. This is always the way it is. His family tells me this is this way he has alays dealth with conflict or dicsussiions that were not to his liking, just silence.

Thank you for you reply.

We are not married, we moved in after dating 1 1/2 years. then after a year bought a house.
He has been like this from early on, but I never knew what the issue was, he ould just not speak to me for a few days & then it would be all better again..one day he again picks up the phone. I continue the relationship as its 80% amazing & we have a blended family of 5 chilren under 12..He is very AS in many ways the not looking at you when he speaks, etc etc..( so are his two boys) so many AS triats to list really , so I figured this was part of it.
I am a high commnuicater, I am fair & I do my best to assist him is all of his challeneges, but this one I cannot & its actually taking its toll on me.I feel like Im going crazy sometimes with this silence he offers & when/ if I do try to pry him to speak, he says' well I just dont know what to say". I explian to him what I need, he repeats again I D K ..
Our counciller gets the same from him,. its like pulling teeth, he is very introverted, extremely passive..

Thanks for your help

Thanks, Ive posted a few more details. I appreciate your opinions & advise

Well damn if this is personality im really confused..awww me..I just want a partner who doesnt run off & ignore everything with a stoneface & glazed over eyes..If this is not AS, then i may be ithe one running off in the future, as this silence is deafening !

We do have a councillor..Thanks

That's an easy thing for you to say, but you have to understand you're speaking to someone who quite literally feels marooned in an alien culture. What seems fair to you does not necessarily translate the same way in the Aspergian brain. Your repeated attempts to endlessly 'talk things out' is coming across as a hostile INTERROGATION, thus the shutdown and refusal to respond with anything other than 'I don't know'.

Why answer when any response you give is going to be countered with another argument insisting that you're wrong?

Your communication problem is that you can't stop demanding that he change to fit the template you want, rather than accepting him as a unique individual. You have a picture in your mind of what you think he should be, how he should behave, how he should respond in order to make you happy, and you can't hear anything else, so why should he talk to you? It won't make any difference, you're not really listening, even though you say you are - you're listening for the response you want and nothing else will be acceptable. It sounds to me as though the communication problems started long before the hygiene issues - in fact, that sounds like a passive-aggressive attempt to avoid intimacy, because the intimacy has already been destroyed.

You can't have an honest, open, two-way communication with someone who has stopped listening because they've already decided there's only one answer they will accept, and that's not the answer you have for them.

He has always behaved this way, shut down run away- tune out..it was a way he learned to deal with as a child Ive so heard.... long before me.

Its a problem that continues to effect his entire life, what is your suggestion?? I did not ask you to judge what you think may be happening, Im asking for advise to prevent this communication breakdown from continuing, I would love to listen, yet he never speaks ! A unique individual should be able to shower & change his cloths, a unique individual should be able to communicate to me what he needs for me to say or do to help him communicate better, yet Im offered silence.... I have not aquired the necessary telepathy yet thanks! Ive considered the fact the emotion may be just overwhelming him, as he says he just cant deal with emotion..but he also has to understand that not everyone else is like him & that when I have a concern, I cannot go all robot voice on him & erase the emotion that is natural for me as a non aspie !

There must be another way..I am very open to him and anything I pray he may speak..yet I have nothing ...not a sound... !

What is your suggestion please, youve already passed judgement, maybe now you can offer something helpful advise.

Ps The intimacy has not been destroyed, but in all honestly I am turned off..

Some Aspies do really well with written communication.

They will sometimes request it for interactions an NT would insist on doing in person. The more highly charged the issue, the better chance there is that it will work better in writing.

Thanks Ive been trying that..I email him & he ignores it..sometimes he doesnt open them. I know he also alot of anxietys & in the past he has told me he will not even open an email for fear of what might be in it.
He also doesnt like to read anyting that is longer then a few words, he gets overwhelmed & says oh thats to long to read..
Ive tried the notebook at home as well..its not working so great either. I told him this morning please try your best to find some means of making me feel as though my needs matter, please respond wither way..I need to know whats important to him,
I dont even know if he hears me, he gives no indication, he will act deaf & mute I swear..I feel like Im just talking to myself.
Often I feel like its just all about him , self absorption to the max..I'm barely an after thought in his life in many areas, or so it seems, he says differant of coarse,
I know aspies have issues with seeing other peoples perception..even when Ive told him in the past what my issues are, he will then re illerate it with his own thoughts later & it will again be only the way he sees it..no matter how I say no thats not what Im saying, he doesnt seem to get it. Even mths later he will refer to something that was said & again refer to his interpretation of what he thought I felt, which is usually not what I felt at all.
I dont know what else to do. I love him for the man he is, but this non communication is a big issue, I often feel like the only adult in the conversation..or making decisions..he just exists...is that the way most relationships are with men with AS?? Or does he maybe have something else going on too..I dont know,

I wish that there was something that I could do to help.

Thanks..I want to get some help for him to help him, but he has not yet been diagnosed as its not affordable, therfore no AS help is available...
He has a mother Ive never met & she cannot handle any social sitautions at all, they dont even "do" XMAS any longer either, ive never even seen her..Im beginning to think hses like Norman Bates mother & maybe stuffed in the bsmt..lol.
Ive been in that house a number of times & everyone just acts like its normal to have this mother downstairs like a ghost. They tell me I might see a sighting one day & joke about it, but I find it all very distrubing. Of the 6 children she had, my b/f, one brother & 1 sister are the only ones that work, the rest kinda just exist & do their best to " get thru" their days. They barely even get together or keep intouch, i suspect they are all in the spectrum..some more then others.
I have fear ny b/f will eventualy too be like this..its hard to get him to incorporate life into his world most times..unless I suggest or have a plan, he sits in front of the many computers we have that he has placed all over the house to ensure you tube is just a click away. I take care of all the adult responsibilites, he will do dishes ocassionally to help, but a long time he didnt do that either.
He is a lovely soul & a caring sweet man, but stuck in his own world more then mine. I know this is typical of AS and i can live with some aspects for sure.. but am I fooling myself to think it will be managable for years to come..I dont want a man in my basement that no one sees?? These are my fears.

Willard is on the money. At this point, for him, discussion = INTERROGATION. He sees a no win scenario. When I see that I'm in a no win scenario, I just stop playing the game and let the chips fall where they may. He's likely doing the same thing.

Regarding hygiene: that's never been an issue for me, so I don't know how you should make an approach on this. This is an area ripe for compromise.

Some questions: does he believe he has Asperger's? Is he interested in that? Maybe he could create an account here and he could share his perspective with some intimate strangers.

Also, what is/are his "special interest(s)"? Is it something you could engage him on? Facilitating his special interest might be a good pivot point for bargaining about certain things.

But really, you've got to get past the current roadblock: he's shut you down because (to him) it seems like all your attempts to communicate are really attempts to force something on him.

You've got to rebuild his trust in you. This may seem like it sucks. It may seem unfair. From your perspective, you've done nothing wrong. Nevertheless, he doesn't see it that way, and until he begins to believe that conversation with you is something more than confrontation again, it's not going to change.

I know what you mean when you say you feel alone in a relationship. It's like a slow water torture on the soul; never enough to break you, but you still feel you're drowning.

I didn't realise how unhealthy my last relationship was until after it ended and I met my current bf and realised what it was like to be listened to and well, reacted to. Even arguments are better than the feeling I am banging my head against a wall, and day-to-day, it's like being alive again.

This may not be practical due to finances or kids, but I would suggest giving him an ultimatum or just giving up full stop. That may be a bit defeatist for your liking, but I know for my own self, it was the best decision I ever made.

If you're stuck with him (emotionally or financially), then I think you should try not to worry yourself that he will get worse.

He might, but worrying about it now will just compound the stress and worry you're already going through and make his habits annoy you even more.

Realistically, not showering for 3 days is not too bad, but having to remind him is a pain. I understand where you're coming from when you say you feel like his parent. I read somewhere that sometimes men with AS put on an act until they find someone, and then they revert back to their norm. I wonder if something similar happened to your man; whilst he was dating, he dressed well (for him), but now he feels he can 'let it all out'. It may not get any worse, and at least you should feel free to be the same if you want.

I don't really know what advice to give, only to say maybe try and stop being so understanding. Even if he has AS, he's an adult and a father, so he needs to wise up. How old are your kids? Is there anyway you can get them on board with you to remind him to maintain basic hygeine? I know that probably doesn't sound right to involve them, but it's also unfair that you are shouldering all this yourself and it may embarrass him into putting in some effort.

Last edited by Lene on 20 May 2010, 4:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.