Husband driving me crazy

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Hi everyone!
I am not sure if I am writing this in the right section, so apologies if it is misplaced.
I am new here and have signed up to try and gain some sort of undersatnding on this specific issue I am having.
I am 35 and my husband is 50. He has recently been diagnosed as having aspergers. His diagnosis has been a huge relief for us both and has helped us both make sense of so much stuff on many different levels.
We have been together for 10 years and we are very, very happy. I love him deeply and we have a very loving family unit with two children.
Recently he has got into a facebook game called mafia wars. He has always had a compulsion which I know understand is associated with aspergers. He goes in phases with his hobbies but when he has one it is all consuming and takes up nearly all of his time. His latest 'hobby' is this game. I have no problem with that in essence. I play the game too and it is something we are able to share together and we have fun. He plays as himself but has also set up another count and plays as a woman in order to make the game more beneficially for him as men tend to give more to women. Ok, I have no problem with that either.
My problem is that as this woman he is insistant on posting sexual photos of 'herself'. He choses pictures from the net with are usually of bums or stockinged legs, lots of pvc and generally sexually provocative images. As a result he gets inundated with messages and posts from men which are overtly sexual in nature.
This on its own i could cope with but recently I found out that he was having cyber sex with a woman he had met through this game. It completely and utterly devestated me and very nearly broke our marriage. We are managing to work through it but he is still flirting with women and still using his female persona in a very sexual way.
I have asked him not to do this, I have asked him not to use the sexual images he uses but as he feels he is doing nothing wrong he is not stopping. he took one down that i really objected too but put another in its place that was just as offending to me but as it is a cartoon and not real he deems this ok.
He can not understand that I am hurt and upset by this and live in fear of him having other online 'relationships'.
I dont know how to deal with it. I dont want to stop him playing the game because i know he really enjoys it, but he cant respect my feelings so dont know how to work through it.
I am hyper sensitive because of this other women I know that maybe I am over reacting to the whole thing but he is so easily lead and is very very intense and I know that despite what he says it wouldnt take much for him to get sucked into a cyber affair no matter how much he loves me because as he keeps saying 'it isnt real life'.
When I talk to him about it he shuts down and I dont know howe to communicate this issue with him
I would REALLY appreciate any help you guys can give me here....I feel like I am walking in the dark.
I am sorry this is such a long post!

your husband seems to be a lot like me, apart from the cyberstuff

you definately sound like my girlfriend

we made rules about how to use the pc
but it took reallife domestic wars

speaking from my perspective it helped when she was no longer pushing me to do things her way
so I could decide myself that I wanted to do things differently to make her feel better

From his own POV, he's probably not doing anything wrong: He has no intention of really cheating, it's just an extension of a game he plays. I'm inclined to take him at face value, but there's still a problem. You've told him that something upsets you, and he keeps doing it anyways. This could mean he has an addiction to the game. I doubt I spend more than 34-45 minutes a day on Mafia Wars, because there's only so much you can do before your energy and stamina runs out. Is he spending real money to buy reward points? Is he changing work or other schedules around to maximize playing time? Does he get irritable or angry if you interrupt his game, even for something important? I'm not sure how a videogame intervention would work, but you may have to consider your options.

when he does anything it is all or nothing. Normally his interestes are quite geeky...stamp collecting, model making etc, but whatever he does it totally consumes him. I work and he is a stay at home dad. we have an 18 month old baby so every minute the baby is alseep or whilst she is entertaining himself he will go straight to the game. he keeps refreshing pages doing jobs to earn more energy, helps other people etc. Do you call that an addiciton with aspergers? I thought this whole thing was reasonably 'normal'...as in interests becoming all consuming?
He doesnt get angry at all when he is interupted but if i ask him to leave the computer and spend some time with me and the children he will but never for long. even if it is just for one minute he has to go back on at least once every half and hour!
Walrus - I used to back off but since the cyber stuff it is almost impossible to. I would leave him to his thing and I would always get him back after a few months.

I am not saying you should back off. But you should realize that change is hard and when someone demands me to change I will be stubborn and angry. When I get opportunity to want change myself it will work better. I don't know if that makes sense and I doubt it will help you...

He is just like you...so your comments ARE helpful! What do you suggest I do, just leave him to it, not say anything, just let him play as often as he likes doing as he likes in the hope he will sort it all out in his head in his own time? I dont know if I am strong enough to do that. If that is the best way forward I would try though

-_- he seems to be like me and I admit I had issues with being consumed with games as well, but I don't know if I am just like him and I don't feel very comfortable with that expectation

getting organized helps me, I use picto schedules

my partner and I talked about it and made some basic rules together

I did not understand why my partner was so upset about me playing games so much
but at a certain point I understood that she was upset and I didn't want to upset her, that is why I was willing to make some changes

we use a book by Maxine Aston to work on our relation maybe that would help you as well

most of our fights were over feeling misunderstood and being criticized all of the time

I hope you will find a way because trouble with your partner is hell.

Delete the alternate facebook account, or report it for indecency.

I've never had much time for 'understanding' aspie men who clearly don't give a s**t about even attempting to understand their partner's feelings, even when they have attempted to explain and put up with as much as they can. They use their diagnosis as an excuse for others to bend over backwards for them, but not vice versa

Don't get me wrong, a lot of aspie men do try their best and at least try to meet their partner half way, but unfortunately, yours doesn't seem to want to make that effort.

I would strongly advise giving him an ultimatum; you or the account. The cyber cheating alone would have me walking out the door, but I do understand that views differ on that subject.

+100

Yeah, the old "I'm having cybersex, ignore you, etc, but it's because I have Aspergers!"
BS.

Having Asperger's is not an excuse for basically cheating on you. He is showing very little respect for you as a person by keeping this account when you've made your feelings very clear. Yes my asperger's brings unique challenges but I read/hear countless tales of Aspie men who think this kind of behavior is perfectly acceptable because they are special snowflakes with AS.

> He has no intention of really cheating

Well, I would define cybersex as actually cheating, and judging by your feelings, you might, too.

His game hobby is not as important in the relationship as your feelings. The game can go on hold. Your concerns should not. To my mind, he is obligated to talk with you and resolve the issues together. In the grand scheme of things you are important, the relationship is important, and the game is just a temporary hobby of no great significance, so it should definitely take a back seat for now.

I can see it from the other side, and he's not being reasonable. I enjoy movies a lot, but if my husband were being neglected and were hurt and crying, and I just went on doing my thing and enjoying movies and not caring about him, I'd be just as much of a jerk as your husband is currently being. You need to read him the riot act.

OP, where are the consequences? I don't understand your actions here. Your husband cheated (sorry, engaging with another real, live person for the purpose of achieving sexual satisfaction is cheating) - and it sure seems like he's done absolutely nothing to repair the situation. Why are you allowing that?

I agree with the other posters who believe his conduct is not due to his AS. Do you believe your husband is incapable of understanding the marriage vows he took? No sarcasm intended here - but the vows are pretty specific about "forsaking all others" - he clearly broke those vows when he engaged in cyber-sex with this woman. So if you believe he truly is incapable of understanding his vows, then there's another condition at work here.

You're the best judge of whether there are additional disorders at work here, but if you suspect no other disorders, then you have to deal with the fact that your husband is placing his own needs ahead of the needs of his marriage and wife. I'm guessing you've given him the impression that you'll accept those skewed priorities - because to this point - you have accepted them. You're going to have to draw a line in the sand. Because he used FB to cheat, I think the obvious consequence is to abandon FB. I think it may be reasonable to suggest disconnecting from the internet completely. I'm not suggesting this as punishment, but since you said your husband is so easily led astray, it's probably not a great idea to rent the Pied Piper a room in your house, you know?

I also suggest you two get into counseling ASAP. You need to work out the ground rules for your marriage, and you need to do that together. Good luck.

Thank you all so much for your replies.
My husband has aplogised several times for what he did and has vowed it will never happen again. He said he will stop playing mafia wars if it is what I want but that would make me feel awful. I dont want himn to stop but I have made it clear that he needs to proritise his family....the problem is he is not doing that. His obsessive nature is just too dominant. He had a picture I ddint approve of on his main Facebook account which he has now removed but he just wont remove the one from his alter ego. he seems to thrive on all the attention he is getting from this character, the fact it is from men is obsolete. I would love to ban the computer from our house about as much as I would love to ban the TV and both are on all day and all night and never turned off....it makes me want to scream but I dont wanty to be the one who is turned into the bad guy....I just want him to put us first.

You're not the bad guy. You are not a nag. And standing up for yourself occasionally does not turn you into one. If anything, you're way too far the other way.

This isn't just about you and him, but your kids too and if he won't bring himself to put the kids first, then you need to step in. Unfortunately, that is your responsibility now, since he's proved he has no control, and it would actually be more selfish to not say anything for fear of looking like a bad guy. He may moan and complain, but your kids will respect you, and you should respect yourself more because of it.

As Hopegrows said, actions should have consequences. And even if you don't want to punish him, you need to intervene with this facebook thing (because for all his apologies, it doesn't sound as if he's changed much).

The simplest thing is to tell him to delete it. Stand your ground; you're in the right, and he can go find another hobby/obsession.

But it's up to you. Apologies if you were just venting and are happy enough to continue as things are. Good luck in the future.

Can I just add that at no point as he used his Aspergers as a reason or an excuse....it has never been mentioned in relation to this. I was the one wondering whether ot not the fact that he does has aspergers has any bearing on the situation.

Asperger's Syndrome can drive people to have really strong, almost obsessive interests, but that doesn't cause the situation you described, at least not by itself.

It's also not a deficit of intelligence, so he should be able to understand what he's doing wrong. Then again, different people define cheating in different ways. If you haven't sorted that out yet, and identified exactly what counts as cheating, you could be in for a rough patch. Whether or not you make it through depends on both of you, and how much both value the relationship.

That said, I understand his strong interest in a video game, but AS doesn't excuse infidelity.