why can't I have real friends?

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I spend a lot of time alone. All through grade school I had one friend who put up with my unusual traits. Through high school I was alone a lot until I found the music/band geeks and then I hung around the edges of the group.

I finally got the chance to make some friends when I went to school for my special interest, musical theatre. I made friends who were interested in what I was. At least I thought I was finally making friends like NTs did. There were only 13 of us in the class and we got close because that was the nature of acting together.

But I haven't got friends like NTs do, not really. I have them "friended" on facebook and I constantly see them writing to each other and it's like a language I can't understand. I'm left out. Some of us have moved to other cities since graduating but they visit each other. One girl who I thought was a good friend during school doesn't ever talk to me, though she talks to the other girls. We got close because we were acting in a scene together, and she doesn't even tell me when she's in town.

The girl who I thought was the closest friend I made hasn't talked to me for a while. She said she's busy, but she seems to have time to talk to the other girls.

A lot of the time I'm fine with being alone, but I see all these girls interacting and being friends and hanging out and I just can't figure out how to do that too. I'd like to be included. I actually want friends, I just don't know how to go about getting them. It feels crappy.

I can't really help you, but I relate to just about every word of what you said. I feel exactly the same way about everything.

Aw I hate it when that happens. I see two of my facebook friends in my home page doing the "wall-to-wall" posts like "How are you enjoying the Christmas holiday so far? What marks did you end up with?" And no one writes on my wall. I occassionally write on other people's wall but I have given up.

Ah, I get the same thing too. Very few people write on my wall. I get along fine with a few people to have just casual conversation, but I've learned to adjust. Basically, if friendship doesn't really work out, you may have to settle for a friend who invites you to hang out with them and their friends. I'm in that situation, and my friends' friends are my ex-classmates so we call each other friends.

Anime/otaku people , even the shy nerds, seem to get along really well. If you like it try to join a group.

Another story I have is that I was just casual pals with 2 girls until we discovered that all of us were gluttons. Now we're closer.

Something else I hope will cheer you up. My ex-classmate, a shy girl who is not very good at talking, somehow has friends who do the talking because they like anime, or because they are involved in the art club. Her boyfriend's friends talk to her too. But her facebook wall is quite empty except for her gaming announcements. She is NT, with a few Aspie traits.

I also know another nerdy NT with a few Aspie traits except he has the ability to form deep friendships though he is shy. His wall has a few comments with only one or 2 friends per anouncement and a lot of the time it is his aunt and mum who write.

Sometimes I think we expect too much from "friends." What I mean is, I really don't consider myself to have any friends, either. I do, however, have a few friendly acquaintances that I know through school, family, work, worship, etc. We talk to each other and get along well enough when we see each other in those contexts, but it's all superficial. A friend, by my definition, would be someone in whom we confide our worries and deeper thoughts, someone who can be trusted to know everything about us. Most of these folks I get along with, but there are things I wouldn't dream of telling them, subjects that will never be broached. There's no one that I consider a true confidant, besides maybe my niece, who is about my age and more like a sister. I've had a handful of these in the past, but they've all gone their separate ways from me eventually. I'm starting to wonder just how common that kind of friendship really is, or if all friendships really are more like my friendly acquaintances -- superficial, highly contextual and fleeting.

It;s not just facebook, though. While we were in school there were two or three girls that I did confide in. And one of them comes to town and doesn't even contact me, the others rarely talk to me.

It was like while we were engaging in my special interest, while we were at school, I could have friends. Because circumstance brought us together. There's just something I'm not getting about continuing a friendship beyond that, I guess.

I even brave the dreaded phone on occasion but my efforts come to naught.

We shall be friends.

I know what you mean, some of your old 'friends' can downright ignore you online/facebook. I tracked down some of my old school friends on facebook - they added me - but never seemed interested in talking or catching up to relive the memories. I spoke with a friend of mine, and she actually said she finds it annoying when old school friends contact her on facebook. She has some hang-ups about high school, though. But it's unfortunately a common thing about most people that if they're not interested in you or they don't think they can get anything out of it they won't bother making a thing of it.

Actually, I have to agree with her. Of course, I just hate FB and just about anything that comes from it is annoying to me.

I felt the same way, 12 years ago. It was quite a horrible feeling.

Agreed in that, although the concept of FB is great, and works well for many, it can be exclusionary and especially for Aspies. I do not appreciate that FB states, "So-and-so has X-many friends" since that's a comparative statistic that is not really fair. I regard the Wrong Planet as a sort-of FB for us! And so much better. CockneyRebel is a friend.

Friends in "real-life" would be ideal but I think NTs are often "friends" only because they share work/academic space with another, which can be quite superficial. I've made the mistake of thinking someone is my friend, where I really like and trust them, only to realize that they might like me but within just the confines of that environment - and maybe not elsewhere. That hurts. For ex: I have/had friends at my University (post-graduate level and related) but I never actually see them outside that realm. So I know what you mean; finding real friends is very hard.

What hurts is that not-so-good individuals, with plenty of unfavorable characteristics, seem to easily have plenty of friends, as if NTs seek out quasi-shady individuals! Why is that? I understand they like others who are "relate-able" to them - whatever that is supposed to mean. In school (like grade-school, etc) I was teased for being "too good" and may be prissy. But I do want to please and adults were and are easier in this way. Still, even now, I don't much like my peers but instead those who are older and safer.

Facebook is a support group for Neurotypicals.

I often watch tv and the people on the shows always have these great friendships. I keep asking myself is that for real or is that the imagination of some tv writer? I have had a lot friends in my life and I have never been that close to them. My friends always would joke with me that the first thing they would do if we were on plane that crashed that they would avoid me as best as they could because when the food ran out I would have no problem eating them. Like the rugby team in Chili.

why do you need real friends?
why do you need to be part of the social circle?
maybe you're meant to be different that way. don't let the yourself to be sucked into the void of the majority. just be yourself and be proud of being independent and unique.
if you accomplish something worth merit through your talents, people will admire you.
to be respected and accepted for who you are is all you really need.
as long as you have that, why put yourself through all that struggle? i've tried keeping friends my age and i've found it tremendously draining. it was taking up all of my energy. so i gave up, and i'm much better off now.

I have had great difficulty since diagnosis with the concept of friendship. I have all sorts of people I considered "friends", but I was kicked in the face with the realization all social time I spent was content based. So as to say, I wasn't spending time to be with someone, but to do a certain activity I found a favorable timesink.

So I guess you first ave to figure out if you really have someone that you enjoy, specifically, their company.

I wish I had friends too.

They probably don't mean to hurt your feelings but don't know that you are as interested as you are. It sounds like you are very quiet and hang around the fringes. To many people this means you want to be left alone, so they are trying to respect your wishes and not intrude to much. There may also be cases where they simply forget about you because you are so quiet. They may figure you are busy with other things. NTs drop in and out of relationships as they move around, it's not always intentional, it's just situational. In acting that happens even more as people move from production to production.

Remember that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. If you want friends you've got to find ways to connect and stay connected with people. Don't worry about trying to act like an NT, just try to find ways that work for you. Your goal is to make and keep friends not to pretend to be an NT. Maybe you could talk to a counselor about social anxiety issues if thats what's holding you back.