Ugh...more family drama (the @&*$ hit the fan)

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I'm going to combine what I've said in my other 2 posts and finish with the new info....

For as long as Tom and I have been together, we have been particularly close to (my husband) Tom's older brother. In college, I babysat their 4 kids for 2 full days a week. Their kids are now 19, 20, 21, and 22. They have done a lot of babysitting for us through the years. The 20 yr old niece, at 18 yrs old, rebelled...she got pregnant, had an abortion, ran 3000 miles away and got married, came back, stole money from a bank (her Dad managed to cover this by paying it back), got annulled and thankfully has regained her life (back in college, has a job, etc).

My Brother-in-law (shortened to BIL) has never been good with my son. As you all know, Andrew (13 now) has Asperger's syndrome. I don't think my BIL understands this at all. I think he believes that we use this as an excuse and that we let Andrew get away with everything. Since Andrew is so close to 'normal,' he expects Andrew to handle everything in a normal way. We don't let Andrew get away with everything. We just choose to handle our problems in a more private manner...waiting for the stress to subside so that problems don't escalate. We also aren't heavy handed with punishment. Andrew needs to learn but cannot always be held strongly responsible when he doesn't understand and/or cannot control what happened. Only 1 of my BIL's 4 kids really get Andrew. The other 3 are always looking for Andrew to be wrong. They jump on his all the time. They tell him NO or STOP before he has even doen anything. They truly stress Andrew out. He knows, and has said, that they do not like him and/or understand him.

We had 3 situations with this family over the past week...the 3rd one has turned very ugly.

1) At (my 3 yr old twins) Taylor and Bailey's b-day, Andrew was messing around with his 19 yr old cousin. He jokingly told him that, "I'm 13. I bet I can take you now." My nephew hit him, pretty hard, in the stomach. Andrew was physically hurt. My BIL says that Andrew was told to back off a few times, (although (my 11 yr old) Megan says that is not true), and that his son did not punch him, he just back-handed him in the stomach. Even if you completely remove autism from the picture (because I am not sure it has anything to do with what happened other than my nephew not liking Andrew), this kid is 6 yrs older than Andrew and he is a very big/srong boy.

2) My nephew's girlfriend has a younger brother. The younger brother is in the same grade/school as my son. Andrew was talking to him the other day and said, "My cousin is a doofus. I think your sister should go out with me." Andrew was completely joking around. The brother told my nephew and my nephew was pissed. He texted Tom that he has lost patience with Andrew (like he ever had any) and that he was lucky he was family (like he would go beating up any other 13 yr old kid.... with an autistic spectrum disorder, no less).

3) Our 20 yr old niece babysat for us 2 nights ago. She had Andrew, (my 10 yr old) Miranda and the twins...we were watching Megan play softball. Andrew is 13 and plenty capable of staying home alone but not quite ready to watch twin 3 yr olds for more than 20 minutes or after they are in bed. He also fights with Miranda so I try not to leave the 2 of them home together. Basically, my niece is there to watch the twins, and Miranda...and keep basic tabs on what Andrew is up to or where he went. Well, my niece asked Andrew to take the dog out. Andrew told her that he was in the middle of something on the laptop and to hold on. Now, I am not stupid...I am sure that Andrew did not say, "Oh I am so sorry. I am in the middle of something but I would be more than happy to do it in a minute." No...I bet he was a 13 yr old punk and said, "HOLD ON. I'm busy," but he did tell me that he said he would do it in a minute. My niece walks over and slams the laptop shut on him. Ugh...big mistake on how to handle Andrew. First of all, autistic spectrum kids need a little extra transition time. That is why he told her to wait to begin with. By shutting him down, she gave him no transition. Plus, spectrum or not, that was rude. So, Andrew gets upset. he tells my niece he is going for a bike ride (and that he might run away). She says no...he can't go. Second thing with Andrew, when he is upset, let him have a little cool down time before you attempt to deal with him. I come home to find him in tears in the garage. I took him for a walk, we talked and I calmed him down. My 20 yr old niece goes home and tells her father. He starts texting Tom. He wants a signed note saying that his kids (who are all adults, mind you) are not legally responsible for Andrew while they are there. He says that we let Andrew get away with everything and use autism as an excuse. We need to teach him how to live in our society by our rules. He asks if his teachers let him get away with everything too. (Andrew goes to public school and does not get any services. His disorder is not even on his record. He is an honor roll kid and well behaved. His teachers like him. School is structured. His issues are social (he has friends but social cues, especially during unstructured times, are hard for him to read). These texts go on for more than an hour. They continue the next day. It gets ugly enough that we decide to seperate from this family. Now this is all our fault...we are choosing this. They have done nothing wrong. The 20 yr old is demanding an apology from Andrew because he was mean and threatened to run away. This coming from the girl that ran away twice...leaving my kids crying both times. She stole money from a bank (and yet we aren't teaching our son to follow the rules of society). During all of this time, and their entire childhood, I never once gave parenting advise/criticism to my brother in law or his wife.

The whole situation is very sad. I feel bad for my kids and even for theirs. I can't keep putting Andrew through this. He spends 75% of his day trying his best to fit in. When he is home, I don't let him go nuts, but he deserves to just be Andrew. He should not feel, when at home, that he needs to try and fit into some mold in order to be loved and accepted. Also, I have enough to deal with doing my best to parent 5 kids and then the added challenge of one being on the spectrum. I always doubt that I am doing a good job. I don't have all the answers. I know that. I don't need someone constantly pointing out that I am not perfect.

There's my long Fish tale. I'm sort of numb. I am not sure how to feel.

Jess

I'm not a parent but I can see what you are doing is in your childs best interest. I had to cut ties with all of my extended family because of the actions and behaviours of a few of them.

I saw one of my cousins (who has always tried to understand me) and my Uncle for the first time in approx five years three weeks ago. The problem people are two of my Aunts and one of my Uncles (not the one who visited) but I had to cut all ties because of the lack of acceptance of these three people. I was always a problem regardless of how hard I tried.

It was hard for me and I can see that what has happened is hard for you. I hope you won't have to go to the extreme I had to go to. Anyways, if you feel that I can help you pm me, okay.

You are trying to create the only safe haven for your children and if someone does not know how to manage harmony in the house they are to blame.

They are being very immature to say the least. He is 13 years old and the Niece is 20 (chronologically) and was definitely not able to handle the responsibility.

Here's your basic apology "Yes, its my fault, I just thought that her being twenty, that she could manage this type of responsibility and I was wrong."

People are very passionate I have to tell myself and things get too blown out of proportion all the time. Let them waste their energy getting the drama out of their system and use your energy for more creative endeavors.

I have twins and triplets. I get that you are juggling a lot and need a sitter, but I would not use these cousins as sitters. It sounds like they can't respect boundaries. Find someone that will be working for you and not have so many opinions.

It sounds like BIL's kids are grown and he now has on rose colored glasses about what his kids did and did not do as they were growing up. Apparently they are now the authority on child rearing.

You don't have to cut them out, but I would establish some clear boundaries and back off they don't respect them.

The other family is making the drama.

What I would tell them (adapt as necessary for the real facts and everything you know that I didn't adequately pick up on):

1) I am sorry Andrew acted in a way that upset your daughter. We have discussed it with him, and send her our regrets that this happened.
2) Your continued texts on the matter are over-the-top and upsetting to us. Drop it, now.
3) We will not put your children in a position of responsibility in our house again so the issue of a contract about Andrew is now a moot point. If you only want them to watch the little ones when Andrew is out and about with us, maybe that is something we can consider. The best way not to have problems appears to be to not put the children of our families into a situation that is, apparently, unmanageable for them.
4) Andrew is our child and whether or not you agree with our decisions you must respect them. We spend much more time with him, have interacted with professionals about him, and basically have quite a bit of information you do not. I understand that in this instance you feel it affected your family in a negative way, and we apologize for that, but the fact remains that everything we do with Andrew involves an informed and fully thought out decision on our part and we are not going to change our views because you have a different opinion.
5) We do not choose to have conflict with you over this; we are happy to agree to disagree. If you care anything about us, you will accept that and drop the matter.
6) If you continue to create conflict over this, we will have no choice but to conclude that you feel your opinions trump having peace between our families and will cut off contact for the sake of our own sanity.


Maybe write it down. Then other family members can see your position loud and clear if the BIL tries to put the blame on you.

The problem with text messages is that they are far too easy to send. People say things that they wouldn't say in real life while being forced to watch the reaction of the other party, and they say things that they would have ripped up before writing an address, securing a stamp, and delivering to the post office. There is no stepping back and thinking about, "gee should I have said that?" just escalation as the other party responds in kind. Everyone needs to step back, clear the slate, and discuss this from a clean slate.

When people have had an easy time raising their kids, they don't realize what it can be like when kids are more challenging to parent. I run into this a lot not just in reference to my own family, but in my former job running a religious education program for a church. Some of my teachers didn't understand why some of their students weren't like their own kids. It's not just kids in the spectrum that would bother them but anybody who needed more attention like gifted kids, kids with ADHD and so on. They thought that if XYZ parenting strategy worked for their kid it'd work for any kid, and if those parents would just parent "right" like they did all their problems would disappear.

It sounds like your relatives are laboring under that kind of misaprehension.

I can't have babysitters. The last time I tried to have one she thought my eldest son had run off. When I came home there were helicopters circling the house, a huge team of rescue people and volunteers were searching the neighborhood, and a my son's full name was being flashed on billboards and shared with hundreds of people through an emergency calling system. She had called an Amber Alert on him. He wasn't missing.

Someday they'll be old enough to be on their own, someday.