So, where do I begin.
I am now accepting the possibility of my husband having Asperger's as a reality, after being married to him for just over two years. Previously, I had been very confused. The most confusing aspect of my husband's personality being the mere fact that he was (seemingly) an extremely social person when we first met. First of all, he was a theater major in college, which forced him to interact with many different kinds of people and to have an extroverted personality. He went to a lot of parties, and socialized a great deal. He was a big hit with everyone he knew. At least to his young girlfriend, who visited him from out of state about every 3 months, it appeared this way.
But then...
Things between us became more serious, and he wanted to take it verrrryyy slooowwwly... which at the time was ideal for me, since I had for only a year been out of a very emotionally-driven, messy, long-term relationship that moved way too fast. He was always very affectionate and loving with me, and take note of this...always interested in what I had to say, and what I thought. Which for me, was entirely unique to his sex--and highly appealing. But, it wasn't all about me. I found him to be extremely thoughtful, and caring, and a comfort in times of stress. I also found him to be adorable, sexy, very witty and honest, and I fell head over heels.
One day he out of the blue proposed to me, and we had been inseperable ever since...our situation had us both moving out of our comfort zone, and where we had previously been living and to another state basically to get married and start our lives together...this is when I began to notice his symptoms.
When we first moved in together, I noticed he was content to just take things out of the boxes he brought with him, but not really unpack. After observing this behavior for about a week, I offered to HELP him unpack. This turned into me doing it all myself. While doing this I noticed that the majority of what he owned consisted of DVDs and CDs. While we dated I was aware and intrigued by his eclectic tastes in music and movies, but the realization that this made up the majority of his possessions worried me. Then once he was all unpacked, (by me) he started going through his things and mulling over them for hours.
Keep in mind, I find nothing wrong with having an interest in my own possessions, but I was his young fiance, who he had just moved in with, and he was spending the majority of his time sitting around listening to music and watching movies, in a room, by himself.
Going back, while we were dating my then boyfriend LOVED taking me to concerts and shows, but we did this together, and he spent the majority of the time focused on us being there together, and spending time together. We did other things to. Things I assumed we would continue to do. Once we moved in together I noticed that he seemed to need ALOT of time to himself. When we did spend time together, our list of mutual interests began to diminish to the point where he ONLY wanted to talk about movies (24/7). And he has an extensive back-log of information in order to do so. Any attempts at conversation about other things would always find its way back to movies. I tested this out with friends and he was the same way with them.
Thankfully I was in school at the time, and so I would spend most of my days studying, and getting straight A's in my classes. Since my once social fiance, was now a social and emotional recluse, I had a lot of time to myself. He got one job when we first moved in together and hated it, but has had it ever since, and is "afraid" to even look for another job. Oh, and forget cooking, cleaning, housework, etc. -- all done by me unless I b***h or cry.
As of late, the list continues. He only hangs out with me and my friends, having a very difficult time making his own. And he only does so when he "feels like it". He will go to concerts and movies by himself and he can't find anyone else to go with him.
I only have one friend he actually enjoys spending time with, and that's because she really enjoys foriegn films and has no problem talking to my husband about them for hours while the three of us have dinner and drinks. (She is really the only friend I have who hasn't called my husband odd, to me or to his face, or has jokingly complained to me about him--P.S. these are all people with their own social quirks--but my husband still sticks out like a sore thumb)
The strangest thing-- is when he does "normal" things--it always seems feigned or overdone. Like he will put a huge smile on his face to show me he's happy, instead of just smiling at me like he used to. Or instead of saying to me "Hey thanks for picking me up at work, I missed you!" He will chase down my car and hug it. These things used to be cute...I guess...but now they just kinda worry me the more they appear fake. It makes me feel like I'm the a**hole for not just appreciating them for what they are. I don't really even trust the majority of the things he says or does--which destroys me.
Our sex-life is very erratic.
It really hurts me to have gotten to the point where I avoid him. I feel like I spend the majority of the last 2 years fighting a losting battle of "can we please talk about something else?" "you need to have more than one hobby." "Please let other people talk." "You're acting fake..." (Not to mention, "could you please do the dishes since you have 9 hours to do them?--I think that could somehow fit into your routine of amazon posts and movie watching")
About a year ago, I stopped saying something I felt like I had on repeat. "Why can't you be more like how you were when we were dating" mostly because I know people change once they get married. I know I have. I used to be sweeter and more understanding now I always feel angry and irritable. I just want to come home and sleep and not even interact with him because it's so frustrating.
One of the weirdest things about all of this, is there are times where I remember throughout all of this, that we were able to be and act normal together, and we weren't miserable. We were usually around his family, who just have a better way of coping with it, I guess, and sometimes with mine, who somehow are able to better deal with it, but sadly I really feel like it's getting worse and worse.
Sorry to all the people this post might have offended, I just really needed to air this out.
Advice is certainly welcomed.
04 Sep 2010, 1:54 pm
