i'm more ret*d than you

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Seems like in this society that being labeled autistic or having aspergers is a privelage. I noticed alot of people here wear it like a badge of honor and there are rampant arguments with those trying to prove they're more ret*d than the other person. I used to frequent the social anxiety support forums and theres always a huge uproar of debate when the topic of aspergers comes up, only because one of the symptoms is social anxiety. I suppose its easier to pin your social ineptitude on a medical condition so it gives you an excuse to do or say ridiculous things only because you don't know any better. It seems that many people here can at least discern between what is and isn't socially acceptable, and are able to articulate their thoughts and emotions. I myself have been driven to become a total recluse just to keep from having to be in a social situation which almost always leads to doing or saying something totally out of the ordinary or embarrasing. I'm completely oblivious as to how others perceive my behavior and whether or not what I'm doing is socially acceptable.
And then there are even those that have been able to form a relationship and get married, despite their debilitating and crippling condition. This leads me to wonder where the line is drawn between being shy and withdrawn and actual autism. Perhaps its just easier to label yourself "special" so you can conveniently use it as a crutch to get through life.
Only difference between me and you is I'm not proud of being this way. There is a constant void in my life that I know will never be filled because of my inability to communicate or develop and sustain a relationship.

This post doesn't really even belong here. Its more addressing the social anxiety support forum where there is always controversy about aspergers there. I just have some issues with those people that use this condition to justify their social anxiety.

I imagine that these forums are going to cause a similar reaction from you in the future then.

This sounds like you're attacking us for being who we are. What do you want us to do? Sit back in a room all day, not socialize with anyone and stare at a picture on the wall?

I don't demand relationships. I can't handle the emotional tension mutual relationships tend to bring. I need to be able to work things out myself. When stressed, I can't stand anyone else interfering. I just want to be left alone. In a relationship, the partner will try to prod his way in. I can't stand it. Things get heated, and I lose control. It is better for me just to leave it alone.

But, I can socialize in a small group. I can socialize one to one. I can give talks in front of an audience. I've done it all, because a lot of it is required through college. I've had one or two friends whom I got to know as well, but I will say that these aren't relationships. They're just work or school-related occasions. We were all just happy doing what we were doing. We didn't have to worry about the struggles of life on any personal level, other than getting a certain assignment or job done. I've screwed up along the way, too. I went to college for ten years instead of six. So, what would you make of this? Just a cop out for being shy? When I was in NJIT, nobody even knew I had any sort of learning disability. How then could I use it as a crutch?

None of this is easy. Having AS isn't easy. And, yes, when things become too rough, I might use it as a crutch in some way. I may apply to a DVR program. I'm 31 years old with little work experience beneath me. So, what else am I supposed to do? Go in and throw a tantrum in my employer's office? Well, I guess I could do that, too, and say I have AS, and use it as a crutch to escape the law when I'm arrested.

You sound more like an NT. Why are you treating us like this?

- Ray M -

oh believe me I've tried. And lost myself in the process. Now at 23 I suffer from numerous personality disorders that manifested in my futile attempt to adapt to society on their terms. I don't even know who f**k I am anymore. All I know is now I'm not just autistic but a headcase on top of that. I sacrificed my own sense of self to try to come off as remotely "normal" to others.

On my most recent stay at a mental hospital, I was asked to take the 500 question MMPI diagnostic test. It took them 500 questions to come to the conclusion that I'm incapable of letting people get close on any emotional level. I told the psych about the aspergers and it became clear to him. Is there any way to change this? Not unless I'm "cured" of this condition.

No amount of trial and error or social conditioning is ever going to allow me to let anyone get close emotionally.
So I could be persistent and continue to try at the risk of ending up more of a headcase, or I can just throw in the towel and avoid socializing altogether. Fact is I'm exhausted of fighting this. Trying half my life to fit in and only ending up worse than when I started.

see a psychiatrist dude, im not saying that to be mean, but when i had serious issues it sure helped me a lot, rather than taking it out on people on this site.