Help - Dating AS Partner might be in shutdown?

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I'm a mom of a son with AS and an ex-husband with AS (found out about his dx during divorce since his family hid his status from me so the divorce may have never happened if I understood what was happening). I have recently met a charming man whose has one son who exhibits signs of AS ... and dad is not far off now it seems. I have been confused because he began the relationship with all the right behaviors of a man interested ... then literally it was like a switch flipped. He shut down. No or little communication. He reads my emails etc but says he can only deal with one or two things at a time or he gets aggrevated. He is also dealing with a major health threat so all communication that was open, easy and accessible is now actually titrated: emails are prefered because they are no connection (these are his words not mine), then texts with some connection and the phone is connection.
He does not answer if I call him so it is pointless to call so I either email or text. I limit the texts to one a day just as a "thinking about you" or "have a great day" (we have been seeing each other since August).
I did force the contact once by going to his house and he then told me he would make sure he texted me the next day (like a recipe - she likes to have contact so I will do this) and honestly, he has. But weirdly, just arbitrary texts ... not one that actually says anything. Anyways, the result of the forced contact (face to face is major connection considering he thinks phone is connection) is he saw me two days in a row. Surprised the you-know-what out of me actually. He called twice in a row and set up both dates. Nice normal things but now he has let me into his life (we shopped together, cooked together etc) and then "poof" gone again. I got my text the next day and silence ... which is strange because (well for an NT because usually you share with follow ups like ... so I tried the stuff we cooked yesterday and it was god awful!)
Silence reigns again so I am back to the email and text a day.
I have read that when under stress one does "shutdown" and limits contact to reduce the stressors in their life. He is dealing with a mother he sees as very controlling on top of his own other stressors so he is stressed which I understand ... but NT reach out for support while he closes himself off ...
How can I show him support while NOT intruding on the space he needs? He did tell me had I NOT forced the face-2-face with his first shutdown, he would have continued to not to speak to me. Weird because he says he likes me and wants to see me ... and I don't like just popping over and don't want to do it again (its not me) so need some advice on how to ease the communication back to a speaking point without a face-2-face?

I personally feel he does have AS ... all the signs of my ex and son except this gentleman also tries very hard to understand how I am feeling. Wish you could have seen his face when he told me he was trying to see how I felt and he described me right on the nose, I applauded him (not many men try to understand a woman actually and tell her about it to begin with) ... and oh, the panic on his face was a treasure! I immediately tried to reassure him I did not expect him to do it again since he was a guy but it really meant a lot to me that he walked in my shoes for a minute so he is a sweetheart.

I feel like a lout because I am not sure how to be supportive without intruding in his space. His words "If you had not come over, we would not be sitting here right now" ... I had to remind him I existed, literally?

Thanks for any advice!

This reads to me as a classic case of shutdown.

In regards to suspecting he has AS, I think you may have hit the nail right on the head.

Firstly and most importantly, his non-communication has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It does not reflect his feelings towards you (or lack thereof), and is not in response to anything you may have done.

This is 100% a personal mental issue, and it happens to all of us with regularity. Basically what happens is that the brain just becomes overloaded with too much stimulus and "shuts down" so to speak. Socializing is high energy and high strain, and when the brain is in this state of stress and ill health any form of socialization is too much to handle, irrespective of who the AS person socializes with.

The way your partner has described it is spot on - I am in a similar zone at the moment, and I will only respond to email or text (and still only from people I care about the most because it's still very taxing) because it requires the least connection (and thus is the least straining on my brain), and phone requires more, then in person requires maximum. When I am in "shutdown" I close off from EVERYBODY. It doesn't matter who it is, I will close off from acquaintances and also my own family and closest friends to the same extent.

It sounds like this guy really cares about you, the fact that he has put in the effort to even respond to emails and text, and to actually spend TWO DAYS with you in person in the middle of a shutdown is quite impressive. The fact that he completely cut contact after those two days makes perfect sense, because that time would have set his recovery process right back and he probably needed complete isolation after that so as not to have a complete breakdown. If I am forced into person to person contact when in the middle of a shutdown sometimes if i can't get away and isolate myself fast enough it can even send me into meltdowns, such as uncontrollable crying (in my case, but the way a meltdown is expressed is different from person to person, some people self injure, some may even get violent - your actions when in meltdown are outside of your control, it's like your brain sort of explodes)

You mention that to you it doesn't make a lot of sense, and seeing other people would make you feel better and isolation would make you feel worse. I agree with this, this does seem to be the case for NT's (at least with other friends of mine I've discussed these issues with). For aspies it is the opposite; the worst thing you can do to yourself in the middle of a "shutdown" is to expose yourself to any form of social contact, because the brain can't handle it. The only way to recover from a shutdown is to isolate yourself to the most extreme extent possible (the more extreme the isolation, the faster the recovery process).

Anyway, to try and get back to the point, shutdowns are a part of life for people with AS and we experience them on and off throughout our lives. If you want to be with this guy long term, you have to be able to a. accept this, and b. be able to give him the isolation he needs for recovery when it occurs; otherwise you will severely damage his health. It is a hard thing for an NT person to accept and to be able to deal with; the sudden complete severing of contact for an unspecified period of time. I could quite easily divide my friends up into the ones who understand this and are able to pull back when this occurs, and the ones who don't understand and try to force social contact on me (imagine someone continually stabbing your brain with pins in a slow torturous fashion - that's what it feels like to me when I am forced to socialize during a shutdown). When a person is in shutdown social contact isn't fun. It isn't enjoyable. It isn't relaxing, or calming. It is slow torture. Trust me on this. If your guy is contacting you, and actually seeing you in person during shutdown then he is 100% doing it for your sake and not his own because it would be only suffering for him. It he appears upbeat and happy, again he is faking it and doing it for your sake (I have occasionally done this for the sake of friends I really care about but who don't understand that I need to be left alone during shutdown, and feel hurt if I don't communicate with them/see them).

I would also like to explain that he didn't choose this - we can't control when shutdowns occur, but we can only try to look after ourselves during that time (basically by isolating ourselves) and recover as fast as we can.

The best thing you can do for him when he goes into shutdown (this is what my family and my few closest friends who understand me the most do for me) is during this time to be passive and not try to initiate any social contact with him, but be available if he initiates social contact (but don't guilt or otherwise manipulate him into socially contacting you when he is not recovered), and once he has recovered and emerged from shutdown, still be there for him and be his partner and not hold it against him.

With my closest friends I know after shutdown I can pick up where I left off with them and they won't resent me for it, and will still care about me even after I've been gone.

I know this all seems rather bleak, especially as shutdowns can often be prolonged (mine can last for over a month sometimes), but over a long period of time as you become closer you may be able to be present during shutdown and not impact his health. I am able to be living with my parents during shutdown, and even interacting with them, because they know exactly how to be around me without straining my brain - basically they're extremely passive towards me, and only talk if I initiate contact, and leave me to be alone in my room or doing solo activities for extended periods of time when necessary. They also provide a calm relaxing atmosphere, and sometimes give me massages or brush my hair while we watch the news, or while they talk to each other, without requiring me to communicate, which is also restful.

I am saying all this because I know that long term the idea of constantly having to be separate during shutdown is quite a hard one, and I am letting you know there can be ways around this and over time you can become very in tune to his moods and functioning but right now the best thing you can do is to just allow him to isolate himself, while being silently supportive of his isolation, so he knows that you a. understand and are not upset because he is not communicating with you, and b. will still be there for him when he comes out the other end.

As far as getting to understand the needs of an AS person socially, the best thing to do is to listen carefully to what he says to you (in words). It sounds like your guy is a good communicator, from what I have read he has described the shutdown process to you very well and in detail, and explained things carefully. Basically, verbal communication is the primary method of communication for aspies as we don't communicate well by body language or gesture, so we tend to be very honest and direct with our verbal communication to try and make ourselves understood.

So if he says he loves you, then he almost certainly does. If he says he truly cares about you, but needs to be isolated because calling on the phone or visiting is too much connection which is too much pressure on his brain, then he does truly care about you and the need for isolation is not related to anything you may have done. I find that the people who know me and understand me best are the people who listen to what I say, and believe what I say, when I'm explaining myself to them, and then carefully consider, integrate, and apply that knowledge in the way they relate to me in future. I do the same for others, also.

Sorry to ramble, my brain is not in the best state tonight, I probably wouldn't have responded but I felt I really could help you if I could get my understandings across despite it.

You were not rambling at ALL! Thank you so much! I am printing out what you have written to I can read it even more closely at work today but you gave me such a clear understanding of what he is doing. Now some other things he has said makes sense, like he doesn't like going out and it has nothing to do with me and well... I won't rattle on. I told him I was trying to adjust to what he needed and I am not sure if HE knows he has aspergers or not. I do know he has a therapist and he has gone to her this week to talk about what is going on in his life (me included he said). I am glad I have thanked him for being so honest about these things now.

So I will remain with just the emails and one text a day. He has cancer so it is very hard to NOT be there helping him with the treatment plan he is on but the reality is the best way I can help him is by letting him chose when to let me in. He did that this past weekend ... our time together relaxed my fears about what he is going through with that and I think that is why he let me in. He knew I was afraid for him. Now in understanding I can see why he doesn't need me back there ... it was to let me see he was doing okay and IF he needed me then he would let me know because he trusts me. He told me as much.

THANK YOU SO MUCH! It all makes sense now and I know where I need to stand for him. I do care about him. It is time to put aside my expectations and learn his way of life.
Not at my expense obviously but in understanding there is great learning and I do believe love comes in vastly different forms. We all just have to learn to see them through other's eyes.

Have a wonderful day!

Oh another question ... I suppose it is hard to tell someone that you have AS ... I have tried to talk about it openly with my son who is 13 now and he seems comfortable with dealing with his issues which in the large picture, are not bad. Should I let him tell me in his own way or broach the topic? I am leaning toward letting him tell me ... he seems to have a very set method of opening up to someone ... dropping comments here and there that alerted me to him not thinking/feeling as NTs to ... I am beginning to think this is his way of feeling me out safely watching for rejection.

I think I answered my own question but any feedback would be so welcome.

Thanks again! You really helped me.

Sunshower

That is one of the most insightful, articulate,comprehensive posts I have read on WP - Well done.

She really has made a difference in this relationship.

Sunshower,
I ended up telling my guy that while I was looking for things for my son (I was but was sidetracked with reading about the shutdowns) I ran across information on shutdowns and while I was not thinking he was AS, I was going to use the coping skills offered here by you to work on our relationship so I could be supportive as he needed me, not as I needed.

So the door is open if he wants to talk about AS and he also knows I am coping just fine so hopefully he won't feel guilty and even more stressed. He actually responded to that with a smiley! Happy day!

I can't thank you enough, Sunshower. Seriously, it will be your advice that I will keep with me to read when things get rough again. And I will be able to pass this on to my son and his dates as needed now ...

I hope you are feeling more yourself soon!

{{{{ }}}}}

Hi Greendragon,

I'm so glad I could be of help to you! It's funny, because I did think this was not one of my better articulated responses.

I am getting by as best I can, taking each day as it comes, trying to get through my uni work and required commitments while avoiding social interaction.

But enough about me - I actually had wanted to add (although I didn't in the end as I felt the post was already too long) that your needs are important too, and he also will know this. I believe a balance can always be struck without the expense of his mental health or your emotional health (which is equally important).

During shutdown his needs will probably need to come first, although some compromises can certainly be struck such as the regular texting (that is a good form of contact, as the regular communication will both help your emotional needs and stability and not be too taxing on his mental health. Instant messaging may also be good for this, although it is a little more draining than email/texting. Some aspies are comfortable with skype, but I know I myself am not as I find it equivalent to phone conversation and too draining during shutdown), and perhaps occasional brief interpersonal contact if he is able to manage it, and on his terms.

When he is not in shutdown, your needs can take much more precedence as he should be able to be much more flexible and compromising, and of course if he loves you he will do his best to make you happy. A lot of people mistakenly believe that Aspies are extremely inflexible, uncompromising, and completely self-centered, but for the vast majority of us these issues are symptoms of underlying mental exhaustion and not personality traits, and as such will vary according to our mental state (in some cases, variation can be quite extreme).

The best way to tackle these issues if they arise is to deal with the problem at its source and not the symptoms - if a person with AS is completely disregarding your wants and needs, or is being very inflexible and won't compromise on anything, it's probably because they're suffering from mental exhaustion and are currently unable to find the energy to consider both sides of the equation. When an AS person gets in this sort of state, the best thing you can do for them is to give them some "downtime" (or quiet time), or gently encourage them to take some time out with their special interests, or just to be alone. When handled in the right way, these issues can be very short-lived and fleeting, but when dealt with wrongly they can persist as the brain does not get the respite it needs to recover so the person can be back to their normal self. And remember that it is not personal - the irritability or blockheadedness is a health symptom, not an outward expression of dislike, disrespect, or callous disregard.

In regards to telling your partner about him having AS, it's hard to say as disclosure tends to depend on individual preference. I am very open about my diagnosis these days, but when I was younger I didn't like to talk about it as I was insecure about myself and who I was (a lot due to bullying) and discussing it felt like reopening barely healed over wounds. If you feel you would like to broach the topic with him, if he is an easy-going person (which he seems to be?) I'm sure he wouldn't mind (especially as you both have children diagnosed with AS) so long as you weren't forceful about it. I can't say for sure though without knowing him in person.

When was your son diagnosed? I was diagnosed when I was 12. I hope some of this information may help you with your son, because during my teenage years my parents and I did go through some rough patches (especially in shutdown related issues) which were mainly simply due to miscommunication and mis-understanding (back then, even I didn't understand the process of shutdown in the way I do now, all I knew was that I had to be alone or I felt I would explode - but I didn't know why, and my parents often took it personally, or believed that it was due to laziness - often when in shutdown I don't have the mental energy to do much at all, and even simple daily household tasks that required too much executive function were beyond me, although some simple repetitive tasks I was fine with). These days my parents and I understand each other well; they understand what sets me off, and why I behave as I do at times, and I understand how they feel about things, and what their emotional needs are so I am better able to meet them.

Social understanding has never come naturally to me, but over time I have developed my knowledge in the same way I would with an academic subject, so I can have the social understandings that others do and perhaps deeper in some senses as mine is all conscious and learned as opposed to innate and subconscious. At 13, your son may not have as much understanding of how you think, and also may not understand the things he himself goes through, but over-time he will be able to learn more of these things and gain insight (as we all do, to different extents). The best way you can help him with his social understandings, which is the way my parents helped me, is to explain invisible social norms to him in words and in a logical manner, explain why they exist and what purpose they serve.

For example, my parents explained to me when I was young that if someone smiled at me and said hello to me, that I should smile and say hello back, so that person didn't feel hurt or feel like I didn't care about them. Your son may be past this stage. Another good example is eye contact. I never used to make eye contact, and I also didn't understand why it was necessary - my parents explained this really well by example; if one didn't make eye contact with the other person while they were speaking to them, then they wouldn't know if the other person was listening to them or interested in what they were saying, so the other person could walk away or be engaged in something else and you'd find yourself talking to empty air, which was embarrassing and pointless (and this used to happen to me all the time - sometimes I'd realize I'd spent 15 minutes talking at a wall).

I'm sorry to hear about your partner having cancer , that would be very hard on all of you. I send my well wishes out to him in the hope his health will improve. I'm sure he really appreciates you being there for him during this difficult time, and it sounds like you really care about him - people like you who are so open-minded and understanding are rare, he is very lucky to have you in his life.

Sunshower

Thank you again for giving me more direction in coping with my guy's shutdowns. I think it is going to be very on/off because of the stressors he has in his life ... I'm the newest edition. He has been honest about the fact that I am taking the far backseat and he doesn't know for how long ... I just don't want him to forget I'm back here! But the texting seems to be working a bit better for me than the emailing ... he does not respond to emails at all so the only way I know he reads them is that he tells me he does .. and he doesn't read all of them all the time. But I stick with the email since it allows me to keep him in my daily "what I did today" which may not be so thrilling but allows me to feel connected.

The cancer is the big one ... and the hardest part is waiting helplessly ... but he is doing well ...

So one day at a time ...

My son was dxd when he was about 2 ... it began small but strange things like he was not looking at people at all, lining up cars for play, liked to sit with his arms out ... sweetest little cherub but not too responsive to our love and hugs ... I first started with my mom who told me I was being an idiot and then the pediatrician who told me I was raising a shy child (we are talking totally adverting his whole body to NOT look at the doctor at all, not just not looking or looking away or down - total body aversion). So I began my own research, what I have since then found out "behavior therapy" and during the divorce when his attachment became an issue (first dxd as attachment disorder after a 5 minute waiting room talk with him and a doctor! and I switched shrinks because I knew he was not at risk with the parents despite the divorce) and the new doctor actually spent time with him, assessing. So glad I was not listening to anyone but my gut and kept saying "You need to pay attention, not a quick fix".

So the whole family has been helping him learn the nuances of interacting with everyone since he was a toddler, we also had the wonderful fortune of having fantastic teachers for him up to the 4th grade who helped him in forming friendships in the classroom (they would guide him in the process ... wonderful women) so now he is a socially acitve 8th grader looking towards dating. We have not had major meltdowns or shutdowns ... and I think it is because I talk so much about feelings (have been since he was little) so he talks about how he feels or doesn't feel (why am I suppose to care? happens a lot) ...

I told him when he was in the 4th grade because he started coming home saying "he was different" from the other kids. It was a hard decision but his father had never been told by HIS mother that he had it and thus unable to deal with what he was feeling which lead to abusing me and divorce. Had she told him or told me everything could have been worked through ... but she did not want to label him so she remained silent until I confronted her. She knew the whole time ... it just kills me that a mother would deny such important knowledge from their child. So I told my son ... and at first he was upset, then he tried to use it as an excuse for NOT doing what he was told ... but now he is at ease with who he is, even better his father is also now accepting and helping our son so they have an even tighter bond (I am excluded but I am so glad they are getting along so well and his dad can guide him in the dating scene with what he has learned). I have my role in guiding him with the nuances of dealing with emotional NTs and girls ... haha.

He is still learning how to read when people are tired of what he is talking about but he is getting better with it ...

Raising him has been on pure instinct ... watching what was happening and then finding what he needed and then helping him learn it. That is literally how I have done it ... we have not had the therapy since the divorce. Once his dad came to terms with his AS (dad's AS) it just got so much easier as a team.

Last night my guy texted me that he was going to call but then at the moment of the call, he texted that he was having a bad night so no call. Honestly, I was rather expecting that to happen though. Still sad. So I texted him a good night and today will find ... well, not clean house - ugh! go to the book store and find a book or two. Not sure when I will hear from him next. He leaves in two weeks for a C treatment and already has told me he is not sure how he will be when he comes back so it could be another month or two.

I could also start pretending he is a sailor out at sea! Used to date one a long time ago and all I got were letters ... haha!

This is hard but honestly I have printed out both of your posts and glued them in my writing book that I keep with me to read as needed. My perscription lol!

I do hope you are feeling better today ... you are perhaps the most caring soul I have met in a long time and I am grateful for how you have given me support.

Hi Greendragon,

Thankyou for sharing so much for your story with me. It sounds like your son has a wonderful mother in you, and such an early diagnosis! My parents knew there was something different about me from around the same age (due to the aversion to physical contact, plus lack of motor coordination, etc), and throughout my childhood took me to see many different people but nobody was able to pinpoint what was wrong. I think my parents went a lot by instinct too in how they raised me. I was badly bullied throughout Primary School - it's so great to hear that you have been able to train your son to make friendships from such an early age (I wasn't truly able to make friends until half way through high school, and it was only in my last year or two at school that the bullying stopped).

It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life, I admire a person who is strong like you and who is so compassionate even after having the experiences you mentioned. In regards to your partner, things sound hard, hang in there if you can, but remember that when it comes down to crunch time you must do what is right for you. You are making an investment here, and your determination to be there for him and see things through no matter what is admirable, but remember that him being in your life should be overall a positive change and not a negative one (in terms of emotional suffering), and if it is a negative one now there should be hope for positivity in the future. If he does love and respect you, he will want you to do what's best for you, being in a relationship with an AS person does require many sacrifices but can also heap great rewards. Please you keep in mind the sacrifices you are making, and the overall goal you are working towards, and make sure you are not sacrificing yourself without just cause.

I definitely can't call myself a relationship expert with all my profound experience at relationships so I'll stop there, I think you can probably understand what I'm saying though, just don't lose yourself, I think it can be an easy thing to do when you're in a relationship with an AS person (I myself had an on-off thing with an AS guy for a time, but in the end I had to end it because I realized that I was sacrificing everything I needed to solely match his needs (not necessarily because he was selfish, his needs were just too oppositional to mine for them to ever match up and I'm usually the one who buckles under), when I did he understood and we are still friends).

If you ever want to PM me about anything, or even just add me on facebook, I can PM you my info if you like?

I'm glad you found sunshower's response. Because of her helping me i have been with my sweetheart this whole time. Hes a wonderful sweet man and i understand how to be there for him. I hope you have the same happy ending! If you need to talk, just drop a note. Sunflower was right. Being there as he needed and trusting that he loves me made all the difference
greendragon - nt in love with aspie going on 1.5 years and stronger than ever!

Shutting down is perfectly normal for someone on the spectrum, the best advice is for you to leave him alone, however you could contact someone that specializes in psychotherapy treatment for people on the spectrum. Developing a coping strategy for him to handle those moments when he shuts down might help, in any scenario, give him time to process his thoughts and collect himself.

Greendragon - I am so glad you guys are still together since we last spoke! This has made my day.

Ember_Of - I have responded to your PM - hope my answers are helpful to you.

His allways a shutdown.

Sunshower, can't thank you enough for your post. It gave me a window into what my friend is experiencing, and made me feel less hurt by the fact that he appears to have disappeared from my life. It also prevented me writing him a "Did I do something wrong?" letter that I'm sure he would have found terribly upsetting. I now feel I know how to be there for him. Thank you again.