Using chat online, pitfalls

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I met a guy five weeks ago. He is a computer programmer. He has never been assessed but I am sure he has Aspergers (just go down the checklist of symptoms). I have been assessed at just below the threshold for Aspergers, but I have Bipolar 2 and ADHD.

Another note, we live in his country, in his language. I am a fluent speaker but my writing is not so good.

We have been having a hell of a time communicating. We started out using MSN but it was a disaster. I would write (in his language), but because I was focused so hard on getting the grammar correct I would forget to check for emotion--- and then he would read it and take it literally and get angry or hurt--- and then my BP paranoia and fight-or-flight mechanism would kick in and I would try to escape--- and then he would....well...somehow we have managed to hold it together.

I refuse to do MSN (or chat alone). What seems to work best is Skype with video + chat. In fact, this is rather calming. When we are actually together we calm each other considerably. I think he really likes that I "get" his quirks. I love them. In fact I feel that I can rely on him because of them. I love how fixated he is on his programming. I'm just as fixated on my work.

Has anyone else experienced this toxicity of chat??

I find each to have its pros and cons. Text chat can be better for getting to know people because they may feel less pressured or nervous--they can simply relax, be themselves, and take their time in expressing whatever it is they want to say. Of course, it can be difficult to pick up on inflection and small or subtle personality quirks through text.

In this way, voice or video chat is better. There may be more nervousness associated with these, but it is easier to see or hear the person you're talking to as they "really" (outwardly) are. There is a different sort of element of connection involved when you can hear and/or see the person you're communicating with. Video chat, in particular, can feel a lot more natural if you're comfortable with your conversation partner, requiring less forced conversation to keep things going. As long as you're not just sitting there staring at each other, it can feel more like hanging out in-person, making silences less awkward or difficult.

I personally tend to feel awkward during video chats, and I have a general dislike of IM. I prefer basic e-mailing.

i can't react quickly enough with IM. i find myself overwhelmed and don't really 'get' what people are talking about.

one chat experience:

hyperlexian = do you have plans today?
friend = well, i'm thinking of going out, but my friend is up the hill
hyperlexian = what hill is he on?
friend = sweetgrass hill
hyperlexian = can you go and get him, or is he stuck up there?
friend = i can pick him, but he doesn't want to leave
hyperlexian = why is he up there anyways? is he okay?
friend = he lives up there
hyperlexian = oh, i see. in a house?
friend = look, never mind. g2g

yeah, i haven't done any chatting for a year at least.... /never going back

Too misunderstandings and wrong impressions can happen via the online chat. Urgent leaves and technical interruptions would worsen things.

We have this linguistic-cultural challenge as well. But what has been most helpful was me explaining that the reason we like each other is that we have similar brains and that this is a great asset in the long run, we just have to keep it in mind. Slowly we are learning to be ultra-careful and use lots of positive emoticons when we communicate online.

This is the longest relationship he has ever been in. He kinda likes it

Ha! Adorable! I am totally imagining a sort of petit prince persona living on a hill.

Someone has just mentioned me.

Yeah it's very easy to misunderstand someone. There has to be extra etiquette for chatting I think, especially among those on the spectrum. It helps to always be very straightforward. Part of it, IMO, is letting go of those conversation habits we've developed in dealing with NTs.

hahahaha! that is a great visual!

i was so completely confused. my friend's buddy lived in a neighbourhood that was up on a foothill. his buddy just didn't like going out and socializing that much. the fact of him living on the hill seems, in retrospect, to be completely irrelevant to my friend's story, but i couldn't understand that. so i annoyed my friend.

i had another friend tell me i "bomb him" with questions. i am really really curious about people and i feel bewildered about a lot of the world, so i ask and ask and ask... until people want to smother me with a pillow, apparently.

God yes. I won't do chatting anymore because of it. The advantage of regular email is that you can still multitask and do stuff around the house. I find that men seem to prefer chatting, but I don't really know why. Some of them insist on phone too, but I hate talking on the phone.

I've never done video chat, except for a few times when men wanted to show off for me. I don't think I'd like it.

Last edited by CaroleTucson on 24 Oct 2010, 12:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

That's funny, in a way. Sounds like some of my chats ... lol.

My take on online chat is this:

(1) There should not be a big difference between the profile write up (if the person is honest, posts current pics and is self-aware) and the person you encounter in online chat, on the phone or if you meet face to face. Of course, some people lie and their lies will be found out when you talk to them on the phone or if you meet in real life. But overall, if both parties are honest and self-aware, then there should be no big surprises. I have met 15 or so people in real life from the Internet. They all told me that I presented myself accurately because I told the truth.

(2) Taking into consideration that one is cautious and takes the proper safeguards, I feel that after a reasonable length of time - if someone is emotionally available, single and really wants to get to know you then they should be willing to talk to you on the phone or webcam chat in real time. If a person is single and they are who and what they say they are, then what do they have to hide? Once a sense of trust has been established, for me, an unwillingness to tell someone your email address, your real identity or phone number is an indication that someone is not single or not interested in a relationship. And time is precious - so why waste your time.

As with anything else in life, it's all about taking calculated risks - is the cost of investing effort and time worth the potential benefit reward? The upside of the Internet is that it enables you to encounter a vast population of people you would otherwise never have a chance of meeting. The downside is that you have to be savvy and careful enough to know how to sift through the trolls, scammers, liars,
players and whackjobs. You can discern a lot about a person by what they write (attitudes, interests, level of intelligence and education) and how they write it (verbiage, diction, phraseology). For me, when I see a person bashing others in forums without any provocation whatsoever, I know they are not the kind of person I want to get to know.

The only way I know how to do this is by taking the time to get to know someone to see if there is a possible connection there.

HR[b]