People keep telling me to lower my standards

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I've ranted on another message board about my girlfriend-finding woes, and almost all the responses tell me that I should "lower my standards", which is an euphemism for dating girls I don't find attractive. I am sick of this. While you should keep a woman because of her personality, my understanding is that romance requires an initial physical attraction along with the emotional stuff. That is what distinguishes romance from a mere intimate friendship for me.

I honestly don't know if these people are being serious or if they're merely throwing a shitfit because of the kind of women I said I was attracted to (African-American). Either way, they're pissing me off.

I generally only advise people who are having trouble dating, to lower their standards if it seems to me that the type of woman they are seeking is of a physical standard that is next to impossible for women themselves to obtain.

For example, if you want a woman who looks like she just hopped off the cover of Cosmo when she wakes up in the morning, I'd tell you not even that woman on the cover of Cosmo actually looks like that without the help of a fashion designer, stylist, professional photographer and someone who is handy with photoshop.

Maybe you should post what your standards are so people can kinda get more of a feel as to what you're talking about.

If you're talking super models in magazines, then yeah cuz those women don't exist.

African American? Not anywhere near obtainable a standard in and of itself.

The problem I find with this advice is that if you use attractiveness as the only measure of your potential targets, the so-called "ugly chicks" are unlikely to go for you either.

If you are a reasonably attractive male with aspergers, the "ugly chicks" are likely to think you are just trying to take advantage of them.

If you do succeed in establishing a relationship, you also run the risk that they will eventually tire of your mental problems and seek out an equally unattractive male who has a normal personality.

Finding a woman who understands aspergers regardless of her attractiveness is the way to go.

I did post photos of women I found attractive, and yes, they were all models and actresses...but where would I find photos of pretty but ordinary women?

Post a picture of yourself (nevermind; I clicked on your deviantart link).

Molecular-Biologist has a point; aspergers makes relationships tricky enough, so you really should focus on personality compatability, not looks.

Last edited by Lene on 03 Dec 2010, 8:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Look, this whole "lower your standards" debate has gone on far too long on this site, and it's as simple as this:

Be honest with yourself about who you are and what you want. If your goal is to find a girl that is attractive first and dependable second, then that's what she will be. If your goal is to find a hot piece of ass, then that's all she will be, and a pain in yours. If you want a girl that will be there for you, but is also semi-attractive, then that's what you will get if you really want it. People will treat you exactly how you let them. Let a girl use you for a crying shoulder, and she will continue to do that until you stand up for yourself. I say to girls all the time that if you let a guy come into your house and eat all your food and have sex with you and pass out and leave, he will continue to do that until you demand respect.

Bruce Lee said it best: "As you think, so you shall become" Women are going to know if you want them based on their looks, or if you are showing actual interest. AND you have Aspergers, so this is especially important that you know just what it is you are looking for.

A lovely NT woman came into my life months ago, she and I get along so well, her personality is top notch and she really knows how to speak to me, I even developed feelings for her, she's definately the one for me.......

........she's married to another guy. I am not fazed by this obstacle.

Aside from ripping pictures off of a myspace page I couldn't say. But yeah, super models are very bad indicators.

Alongside the fact that I can't think of any models/celebrity African American women highly publicized that aren't the "MOST" attractive. Which is generally what it takes for them to make headlines.. I mean, Rhianna, Beyonce, Tyra etc.

Regardless of what type of girl you go for.. If you like them, go for it. If you're really unwilling to settle in the looks department, not really any other options.

If she leaves him to have a relationship with you, then what makes you think she won't leave you to have a relationship with someone else?

You don't need an initial physical attraction.

Lower your standards means don't try and date people out of your league.

She wouldn't leave him, they are tight. Plus, she is a member of staff at a company where I am a client. Yep, a, outreach worker, a befriender.

Hi BrandonSP -

I understand your frustration and struggle; I've dealt with this my whole life (I'm 43 now). Here's what I have to offer:

1) by and large, some people who give you this bromide are reflecting their own insecurities. It actually makes them itch to see uncoupled people, and

2) sometimes it doesn't mean exactly how it sounds. What do I mean? In other words, they're not saying lower your standards to date people you find physically unattractive; instead, they are advising you to reexamine your process and any potential stumbling blocks. For me, I thought that meant that I had to give people more than the "instant" chance I gave them. I tried that and of course it didn't work: I know myself and what I'm attracted to (not just looks) but you know what? It gave me a chance to actually *refine* my wants/needs/nice-to-haves in a respectful and productive way. So, it's roundabout, and in the end you have to look at the people who say it. Do they mean you well? Are they just twitchy? Is there some combination? People are just people. This mantra saves me every single day.

I would never tell someone to lower their standards.

I would say, "Dude, seriously," though.

Look the thing about all this is, everyone wants different things. Some guys look for personality, some for looks, some for something inbetween. If your goal is to get hot women but you don't want to lower your standards then you need to try and better yourself so that you feel better about yourself and so that you can attract these women. You can do that by working out, cutting your hair, buying better clothes etc. Or you can try and be more social and learn how to talk to women. You could also try and learn what women look for in a guy.

Thats some good advice.