When people make you feel like you have a choice.

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OK, so my mum knows that my symptoms are getting worse.
Her reply was like this:

"So what are you going to do for the rest of your life? Live with me?"

"Is this going to happen every time we go out?" (talking about meltdowns at a birthday party).

"I have my own problems and just can't deal with this." <-- Pretty much the reaction of all in my family. Why is my family so damn selfish? That is selfish right?

I told you all my symptoms are getting worse, so worse in fact I couldn't even tell my mum. I went back to the old me who wouldn't and couldn't communicate these type of things. Back then I didn't have the internet though.

So yeah this birthday party. I thought it was in a house I'd been to before. Then I remember 'oh no, they've moved.' OK, I can deal with that.
It wasn't at a house - it was at a park. It was a BBQ with about 50 people (my niece is 1- how does she know so many people?) on a freakishly hot day at a park. There were kids running around and screaming. And what was worse the day before I had snapped my glasses frame so my eyes were not protected at all.

The light and noise was overwhelming. So I wasn't coping, then I started to envy people and their normal lives with their jobs and friends. Then I began to eat party food. That made me worse.

So basically I had a meltdown. I couldn't hold it in. It was a crying one. I just wanted to get away. My mum took me out of the party and sat me on a bench and tried to talk to me. I could only say things like "stress", 'people make fun of me" and "symptoms getting worse." So of course she tries to get more words out of me. Never mind that I'm talking like a 3 year old.
So she leaves me and goes back to the party. I have a meltdown, seizure, shutdown, meltdown and take my anger out on a tree. I even run away. Childish I know but I wanted someone to care about me.
So later on I'm back allowed inside the park but am told to sit in the shade and wait. I have another seizure. This one is complex partial and I fear I could go clonic tonic at any minute. I feel like I want to die. A woman is watching me watch the kids, then looking up and away. She probably thinks I'm a creep or just a really anxious overgrown kid. Well, she didn't try to see what was the matter with me.
When we leave my balance is poor. In the car I keep thinking the road is bending upwards and is going to land on me.

Now every time I'm around people I revert to an infantile state. But according to dear old mum I've got to control this. This is my own fault. She has problems of her own and cannot deal with me. I suppose her relationship problems are far worse than my meltdowns, or shutdowns or seizures.

I had to get my feelings out in a blog which is why mum is so angry at me. And my friends won't talk to me.
I also forgot to mention that I've got some real health problems like low blood sugar and I don't know if or when I should take my ritalin. I still need it to get things done, to fire up the brain but it just makes me so focused on how different I am, so I'm sure it contributed to basically all that happened on that day at the park. But without it I'm the same. I far more moody off it and if I don't eat enough while on it then it doesn't work.

So today I'm all about my interests. I'm going to avoid my friends, especially my mother. I feel upset by the fact that the few people that tried to understand me and show me support won't even talk to me now.

All I've been doing is apologizing for people for being this way, but I shouldn't. I want to control this but I don't know how. I don't know how to go back to just feeling anxious about what people thought of me. Now all I can do is just act like a toddler.

I can't say what to do, but I do know that trying to control it will only make it worse. That's from my own experiences. I hit a point like this when I hit puberty, and not knowing how to handle it, I tried to just push through it as hard as I could and try as hard as I could to do things as "normally" as possible. And I think that only made things worse and drove me until I started massively shutting down and losing a bunch of things. You may end up losing a bunch of things anyway, but it's much worse when you're fighting it. I didn't at that time have the ability to understand or explain to anyone what was going on, so I don't know what they would have done. Instead they all freaked out and thought I was experiencing some extreme neurological or psychological collapse of some kind, and I ended up in the psych system for several years in a really bad way.

i hate it when parents are selfish... my mom just noticed (or at least verbalized) for the first time yesterday that i'm depressed (i don't have a diagnosis or anything, but i'd say i've been between moderately and severely depressed for maybe 5 years now? maybe mildly in the beginning of it) and it was in the form of a question, when i was not in the mood to be talking... i wouldn't say it was a shutdown, but i was curled into a ball giving one syllable answers and trying not to panic... so instead of saying "YES MOM I AM DEPRESSED WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF???" i just shrugged.

i've learned not to tell her about things because she's too busy to deal with it... like when the doctor told me to tell her if i ever had back pain (which i have almost all the time) and i... did exactly what he asked... she got annoyed/impatient with me and said in a mocking tone "well you're just falling apart at the seams, aren'tcha?"

I don't know if this will work for you, but I will tell you what worked for me to alleviate, or at least minimize, my autistic behavior. (Unfortunately it isn't in my nature to sympathize with people about their problems, but to try to come up with solutions.)

First, I identified one (and only one) specific behavior I wanted to control. Not that I would ever completely control it, mind you, but at least I could identify it. Sometimes I would come up with something that bothered me, but most of the time someone else would tell me about something that was a turnoff for them. Then I would address that specific issue, either by unlearning it or by learning another behavior that would either mask or overwrite the unwanted behavior. This usually works, and has worked, for me. I don't identify a big problem in this case, such as having a meltdown or having a seizure, because I know those are things I cannot control. I choose a minor detail, and the more minor, the better. I also don't make a list of all of my shortcomings. That just stresses me out, and does not make for successful control of them. Once you have mastered the new behavior that masks the one people always notice, then you can start on another one (and only one) specific detail.

One example of something I have mastered to some extent is looking people in the eye when I am conversing with them. Because of the Aspie wiring in my brain, my natural tendency is to look at the floor or at an inanimate object in the general direction of the person I am conversing with rather than at the person. I know not looking at someone when you are talking with them can be offensive to some, so this was something I wanted to work on. I started by talking to myself while looking in a mirror at my own reflection. Even that was difficult for me at first, but since I knew the person I was staring at wasn't going to judge me, that made it a little easier. Being able to stare at my reflection while talking to myself was difficult enough, and it was several months before I could do even this simple thing.

Next, I sought out the person I felt would be least judgmental about my condition (in this case, my mother), and tried my new technique on her. This took less time than the first step, because I had already mastered a similar sub-behavior. Eventually I started talking to others in this way, and it became easier and easier with each face I stared at while speaking. I don't exactly look AT them so much as PAST them, but it accomplishes its purpose. My next task is learning to look back and forth between several people with whom I am speaking. I haven't mastered this one yet, and it will probably be some time before I am able to do this in a manner that looks somewhat natural.

Even though I can now stare someone in the eye while I am talking to them, this behavior is still not natural for me. I still have to constantly concentrate on looking them in the eye. It is still difficult for me to deal with the fact that it takes me so much effort to do that which non-Aspies can do without even thinking about it. But I have more confidence in knowing that this small step can at least be done, which leads to more confidence in myself as a whole person, broken though I may be. I hope this concept helps you in some way as it has helped me. - LJS

Are you on meds for the seizures? Those aren't a laughing matter.

However, Ritalin doesn't do anyone who takes it any good. It's just a drug to where the adults can have their perfect child for a few hours. If you are allowed to stop taking it, do. Too many side effects.

Also, you said "people make fun of me". What are we talking about there? If it was bad enough, it could have triggered the meltdown on its own; it happened to me numerous times.

If no one is willing to talk about things with you, not even your mom, you should probably consider seeing a therapist. A therapist is someone who is paid to listen to your problems, your interests, and life in general without being judgmental. You would want to look up reviews of different therapists in your area on the internet and find one that has had patients with Asperger's and/or Autism who have left positive reviews.

Oh and, the losses have only continued over the years for the most part.

What I really needed was to have a situation set up for me where I could get help for everything I needed and would not be expected to keep gaining abilities or even break even. And a situation where nobody would judge me for losing abilities or put pressure on me to always "progress". And where they wouldn't sit there and take every single thing I did as a sign of either "progress" or "regression" thereby making me freak out over every little detail. And where I was not faced with the hideous choice of either "be normal and be independent" or else "continue to lose things and live in an institution forever". An impossible choice because the first choice was impossible.

I eventually got that but only by extreme luck in knowing another autistic person who helped get me through the system. People sometimes react to me like... they look down on my life because I'm living in subsidized housing with money from the government and services from the state. They don't understand why I call this a really good outcome and some even mock me for saying how great my life is. But the thing is, I was always always told that if I did not get better then I would end up in an institution, these were the only options besides death. I did not believe I had a future. At all. I knew I was not "getting better" and I took their word for it. So to live in freedom now is beyond my wildest dreams as a teen. (If I could just manage it I've wanted to make a video for kids like the one I was, who nobody has told them the kind of life they could live if it's like mine. Because I attempted suicide several times not knowing there were other options.

Anyway I really hope you can somehow get help planning how the rest of your life could go if this doesnt get better. Because that made all the difference to me.

you should be on something to help control your seizures. that being said, you are 24 years old and would probably be happier about where your life is going if you did gain some independance. there is no reason to relie on mom to make your doctors appointments for you or to drive you there. her responsibility for you ended when you became an adult at 18. i understand that it's a big step but working towards independance is probably a good goal to set. if you don't like the doctor she picked then find your own. if you don't want to use her medicaid card, then go on disability and get your own. as for other people not 'caring' or 'wanting to help' you probably look scary to them while you are going through your meltdown and they don't want to intrude on you and have you take it out on them or make things worse for you.