How can I help my 15 yr old son?

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Hi,
I am a new member and need help and advise. My son is 15 and has aspergers. He has been home educated since leaving primary school as he couldn't make the switch to secondary school. Over the last 6 months he has been feeling more and more hopeless. He rarely leaves the house and has no friends. He sees a mental health worker each week but is still struggling to accept that he has Aspergers. He has sensory issues which mean that he can only wear a hand full of clothes. T shirts only, no coats or jackets etc. He talks about killing himself all the time and cannot see a future for himself. Can anyone suggest any way I can help him as it is breaking my heart to see him him like this.
Thanks.

Hi,I have a 14 yr old.He used to be very sensitive to everything..I took him to a nutrition/chiropractor...He helped alot it hasnt cured him.But he doesnt have problems like he used to...We also dont use chemicals like laundry soap there are alot that dont have perfumes or harsh chemicals and harsh bar soaps dove works good with no perfumes...We did also took him off of wheat and milk....You might try some lotion my son would also get very dry skin..I hope it helps. PS

Has anybody told him that he doesn't have much of a future? Whoever did that should apologize to him.

Hi,

His limited social involvement may be one of the causes of his hopeless feelings. But I may be prejudged, or not completely understand the complexity of the situation. If I may ask, is your son a member of a sports club or other community? This may help him get a new friend, or at least increase contacts with others.

maybe he needs to meet other people with aspergers. I personally find aspies much easier to connect with, and it makes me feel less alone. Is there any asperger organizations or anything like that where you live?

I feel your pain, I am a mother in a very similar situation. My suggestions are as follows:

- Make sure you are seeing a Psychiatrist for the Suicidal Thinking - don't assume that suicide isn't going to happen. I have seen it happen. Consider anti-depressants if the psychiatrist recommends them because many cases they can at lease bring your son up to a level that you can work with him. I am speaking from experience. (If medication is chosen - be diligent and don't leave him home alone until he has been on the medication for several weeks - it can cause temporary worsening of the suicidal thinking). In my experience the negative effects of the medication go away after a few weeks and then there is a marked improvement in mood and thoughts of the future.

- My son was only recently diagnosed with ASD as a teen. I took an online book written from an aspergers point of view and I shortened it down to a few of pages (only leaving in what I felt my son was experiencing). I focused on the positve's of the illness and I included all the ways to deal with the difficulties. It seemed to help him accept the diagnosis and see it as a different way of thinking not a disabled way of thinking.

- This is where my suggestions end because I am new to this and I still looking for help. We are working with educational psychologists to help us figure out how he will receive his education, and with psychologists to help him figure out things for himself and to help him to eventually start socializing a bit again.

Best of luck to you and your son. Keep reaching out for help until you find the help you need. ((hugs))

Is there some special interest or activity that he is good at?--perhaps he needs to do something that will legitimately build his confidence.

It can be hard for NTs to realize how exhausting it can be for Aspies to adapt to the NT world.

Thanks to all for taking the time to reply. I think talking to other teens with Aspergers would really help my son but he stiil won't accept that he has this condition. He has tried anti-depressants briefly but felt they did nothing for him. I have tried to concentrate on his skills, he has a fantastic memory and his knowledge is amazing but all he can see is lsolation and despair. He loves animals and his best friend is his cockatiel. I have suggested social groups and support groups but he is not interested. He is on a waiting list for Occupational Therapy so hopefully that will help. I tell him not to give up on life and that things will get better but he can't see that. I will keep trying.
Thanks again.

I have an 18 year old daughter with Asperger's and she also had a very hard time accepting it...even though we have a lot of Autism in the family (me, and her little sister and brother). I got her to watch the Temple Grandin movie (the HBO one) and it helped her a lot. She thought Temple was an amazing woman and was blown away by what she has accomplished in her life. She still has days where the thought of it is difficult for her but the more she accepts it the more she seems to accept and understand herself. Its important, due to societies view of autism, that we teach our kids the positive aspects.
Being a teenager is probably one of the most difficult times for anyone but especially someone with AS. It would probably really help him to be around other kids with AS but you will probably have to get over the first hurdle to get him to that point. He is probably afraid of other people knowing, maybe because of past experiences. I know that I have had bad experiences telling people that I have Asperger's...people will typically shy away from me like they are afraid of me. Its like people accept that there are little kids with Autism but teenagers and especially adults are a different story. They (some people) think that we are supposed to have grown out of it or something. I tell my 18 year old daughter and my 8 year old son that it is up to us to help change the way people think about Autism. Its one of the reasons I make the videos of my 5 year old Autie. I want things to be better for the Auties and Aspies that come after us. Things need to change because we suffer due to others ignorance.
Sorry to go all political on you but I hate to see our children self loathing and I know it all too well. Being a teenager was the worst time in my life and I have three adult kids that I had to try to guide through it. I hope that your son can find his way and he is very lucky to have a Mom who wants to help...just keep trying to find a solution that works for him. Please let us know how he is doing.

This could help.

To help him accept he has Asperger's, explain to him it isn't a disease, it's just a term for his brain working differently to most peoples'. You may want to reword that a little so it doesn't sound patronising to him, but that's the general message I think could help him come to terms with himself - after all, he already knows he's different, but no one really wants to be told they're defective.

We have very similar situation with our 15 year old son.This last month has been especially hard for all of us. His classmates ignore him, or tease him because he is realy opsessed by the thought that someone is going to cut his hair(it turns out it´s kind of"thing" in the class to tease one each other with scissors lately, and while others exept it as a joke, he is terryfied). The other thing is sitting place in the class - other children enjoy changing it and they cannot understand that for him this is a routine and plan change that is very, very stressfull and he is not concentrated the rest of the day at all.
He cryed almost every evening in the last period and he is very worried how will he survived for the rest of the year. The thing that helped a little was that I told him that the fact that he gets up every morning, goes to school, struggles and survives a day, he didn´t start smoking or drinking (like the biggest part of the class - that bothers him too, especialy the way they smell - diferrently), makes us very proud and tells a lot about him in a good way, of course.
He doesn´t have friends, we live in a small town so making friends is maybe more difficult, but on other hand it´s more safe to go out alone, or so.We accepted him as he is, trying to hang on to the funny side of all this situation. Sure, there are hard, sad days, better said periods, but we hope for the better in the future.
Observe and listen to your son, he will tell you best what he needs. Be prepared for the tough moments but expect great ones. After all, these children just see world differently. Who knows, maybe their is the right way!

Love, mamamoo

There are actually social programs today for children, teens, and occasionally young adults with AS. I think enrolling your son in one has the potential to greatly improve his standard of life and outlook for the future.

While I do think children with AS should have explicit social skills training, beyond that I think they should be encouraged to see themselves for their strong points. He is not inferior to "NT's", he is just different. He has different strengths and different weaknesses, and society needs people like him.

I will give you an example. I am a fairly calm, level headed person. However change used to stress me severely as a child. I would get very stressed every time my mother rearranged the furniture, or colored her hair a new color. As an adult, I really hate when I have to find a new model of jeans, and there is one change that will, without fail, make me flip out. Every time I have to move, it will inevitably get to be too much for me, and I will go off and make a total fool of myself in front of all of my new neighbors, over something small.

However, I was not particularly phased by 9-11. My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones, but it did not make much of a dent in my day, nor my perception of reality.
I'm by no means emotionally fragile. That which taxes me is simply different than that which taxes most people.

Most people in the world are relatively good at a variety of basic things, while people with AS tend to be extremely good at a narrow swath of things.

I think you really just need to get your son into a social skills program and create an environment in which he can flourish.

It sounds like your son is very depressed. I'm not sure how long he has been seeing the mental health worker he is currently seeing but I'm wondering if you can ask for a change in workers to see if that might make a difference with your son. We all have people that we connect better with than others, if the current one doesn't seem to be helping your son, then maybe a different one might be able to connect better.
It sounds like your son is not interested in any social outings at the moment and that there are sensory issues that come into play with this.
You mentioned that your son had tried an anti-depressant and it hadn't helped but there are many anti-depressants available and maybe a different one tried for a longer period of time might be an answer for you also. I agree with the person who said that if they do start to take an anti-depressant that you don't leave them alone for a while until they have been on it for awhile.
The other thing that I have heard and there seems to be some research to support is that supplementing with essential fatty acids can help. I'm wondering if you have tried an Omega 3 supplement that has a high DHA component?
I'm wondering if you can provide a few small projects in areas that your son might have a special interest and work with him to accomplish them in the beginning. If he seems to enjoy this then maybe a next step could be to find a group or class where this interest could be expanded and built upon.
Another technique that I've seen used is "kind firmness". I think that some form of physical activity helps make all of us feel better and helps to give us energy to do other things in our lives. A technique might be to say "At 8 this morning we are going for a walk". There is no option in this statement. Then you give him something where he can make a choice like "Would you like to have breakfast here before we go or would you like to go pick up breakfast while we are out?" This technique can be used for other things also.
I know all of this works in an ideal world and I do know from my own parenting that it is not as simple as I have made it but I do hope that possibly some of these ideas might be a start to making a difference for you and your son.

How about getting him an account on WrongPlanet.net?