I keep thinking about suicide. But...I don't want to die!! !

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Seriously, day and night I think of it--getting shot, slashing my arteries open, jeez I seriously can't stop thinking about it. Idk. I don't WANT to die even though it would come as a mighty relief. But honestly? I don't want to die yet because I'm obssesed with Dragon Age: Origins. And I haven't even completed it yet. And the newest book of the book series I'm reading is coming out in a few months. I just started watching Modern Family. I want to read more manga. These things are what I live for--they make me so f*****g happy, but in reality I'm as miserable as hell. I don't want to die by suicide, dammit, I really don't. I mean, I hate myself but I have too much stupid pride to die like that. And I DO want to live, somewhat. Just not...right now. Next week my classmates are going to partner up for a dancing activity. f**k, I'm pretty sure none of them want to be NEAR me much less TOUCH me. Dammit, my highschool years are making me hate myself so much. Anger, shame, guilt, bah. I'm pretty sure a lot of people here have that in abundance. I'm such a wreck. I keep thinking about dying, maybe it's a sign.

I think what you need is a way to solve your problems.

to the OP:
do keep talking to us and letting us all help you as best we can.

Indeed, thinking about suicide is a sign. It's a sign that you need to do something to make things more tolerable. You want to live, but you don't want to live the way things are. Usually it's internal changes you need to make. Looking at how you are relating to the world, where it hurts, where it could hurt less, how you could make things more positive and rewarding. It's very difficult. I wish you luck. Keep discussing things, it can really help highlight what can be done.

Maybe they don't want to be near or touch you because you haven't worked out how to relate to your classmates yet. We can be as frightening and incomprehensible to them as they are to us.

I would definitely seek counseling/therapy. It's been so beneficial to me. Your school probably has someone you can see.

As long as you have things you haven't tried, don't suicide. Every seemingly crazy or radical solution to your problem is better than suicide (apart from going postal...)

Evil Eyes - That's sounds a helluvalot like me to be honest. If it wasnt for my innate desire to see how certain TV shows ended I probably would've killed myself years ago.

When I was younger and depressed, I would want to die, but not commit suicide. As the years passed and I cycled in and out of depression, I finally hit a depression that did not end in a year or two and I had constant suicidal ideation. So I finally went to a doctor and took drugs and things are fine now. Later I started on some 5-HTP and had intense dreams and constant suicidal ideation for a couple weeks before my sleep got better and some of the symptoms from super low levels of serotonin eased up.

If you don't want to die, then it would be best to see a counselor. Outpatient partial hospitalization (where you go during the day and go home at night- it can actually be fairly pleasant) might be worth asking about too.

High school does end, even if it takes far longer than you wish it would. Even if you go to college, that will end, too. Life goes on. And once you are eighteen, you have more power to refuse being imprisoned with a bunch of people who mistreat and bully you and do their best to destroy you (my personal description of formal education, aka "prison camp"). I know it is hard, and even once you're out of high school, the damage will last for years. But I hung on, and managed to come out the other side, and I can tell you from there, it was worth it.

Do I wish I could have had a less painful journey to this point? Of course I do. But it was worth it. Think about the things you like, and try to hang on. If that doesn't work, remember this... if you die, you're giving the worst of them just what they want. If that's what it takes to live, cling to it; don't let the miserable b@$tards get what they want!

Edited to add: Sorry if I come across too strong here, but my feelings on this are strong. You deserve to live. The people who are making your life such a living hell do not deserve to get rid of you so easily. I meant what I said when I said it was worth it, from this side of things - but that doesn't mean I don't remember all the pain, all the struggles. And it doesn't mean I ever want to see bullying and viciousness win.

If there's a counselor who can help you, by all means, talk to them. If you can't find anyone who is understanding, then I hope you can come here and find enough people like you, people who do want you around and want you to live, to keep you afloat. And know there is at least one person cheering you on and urging you on.

I got trough the same problem as you (I was younger). A psychiatrist is the best person to help you feel better in your skin and at school. If you hold on because of TV Series, this is some serious stuff.

Lots of ppl are thinking you're crazy if you see a psychiatrist. I don't think so. Meds are helping you being more yourself. Also, they will give you tips against bullying and anxiety. They are very helpful when you feel bad.

High school really sucks, but trust me, college is much better. You don't feel like sh*t all of the time anymore, just some of the time.

I have had this problem in the past--compulsive thinking about suicide or self-harm without the actual desire to do it. A short course of SSRIs helped me a lot. You may want to talk to your counselor about this. Don't be like i was--i was ashamed and didn't want to talk to anyone about it until it got overwhelming.

Wow. I'm pretty blown away right now. The best I was hoping for was a few replies that say "Don't give up!" etc. I'm really grateful to you guys for your kind, encouraging replies. It feels fake when someone says that they know what I'm going through, but in this case I believe it. I hope that I'll be able to be the one giving advice from experience in time.

What are SSRIs? And you're right--I am ashamed. And it did get overwhelming. I did want to talk to the school guidance counselor. And guess what? Didn't believe me. Not a word. I tried talking to a friend about it, I think she believed me but I can't even look her in the face anymore. Just thinking about those incidents makes me want to throw up. Needless to say, I don't think I'll be opening up to anyone anytime soon. This happened a year ago and it took all the courage I had in me. I don't think I can recover from something like that. I'm trying, but I'm not sure.



I wish I had the drugs. Alas, a closetted aspie has no access to such things.



Story of my life. Thank you Dragon Age, thank you dozens of books, thank you Sherlock and Modern Family. It sounds shallow that that's all I care about, but I don't see it that way. I find escape and comfortable detatchment in these things because the things that normal teenage girls would care about--socializing, looks, boys, etc. just bring me pain. Excruciating.



Even taking into accound that I'm being self-conscious and/or paranoid, I'm at least half right about my suspicions. Situation: We're told to line up by pairs. I normally head to the back of the line, but most of the time the people back there make me VERY uncomfortable. So I'm stuck somewhere that's NOT at the end of the line. And it looks really awkward, because all the people in front of me are lined up in pairs (or in threes) and all the people behind are lining up in pairs (or threes). I'm alone in the middle of a line made of pairs. Wouldn't it be normal for the person behind me to move forward? Probably not, since it's natural she'd want to walk with her friend. But for god's sake it's a 5-10 minute walk, is it really that hard? Oh, and the kicker? A few times I've heard these two RIGHT BEHIND ME giggling and jokingly telling each other to stand next to me in the line. One of them was the freaking class president and they were having a good joke about it, prodding each other and playfulling berating each other for being a "bad classmate" when they refused. I really wanted to kick them. I mean, come one. And I'M the one without social skills. Doesn't having socials skills mean that you also possess common courtesy and consideration? I GUESS NOT.

...I'm sorry, I really needed to let that out.



Don't we all?

SSRI : "Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor"

It helps to stabilize the brain level of serotonin, anh hormone used to regulate the emotions.

AKA an antidepressant class

I want *sigh* I'll start looking up drugs when I'm eighteen. That's two more years of extreme mood swings

I don't agree that this is the right approach. I could never tell the difference when I was on antidepressants if they were helping me or not.

It does cross my mind at times, but that's just because I've had years of shittiness and I'm still trying to pull myself together. I am getting slowly but surely better and it's more like a "withdrawal symptom" for me nowadays.

And yeah, I know what you mean about the trite replies. It really gets on my nerves and I've never gotten better from corny little phrases alone. At the same time though you don't wanna over-analyze everything to death cuz life is unpredictable and the best way to react to unpredictability is to keep it smooth and simple.

So yeah, keep things smooth and simple but don't count on shortcuts or silver bullets.

Over-analyzing unpredictable situations is like driving a car with no suspension. What benefit is there to being able to feel every little rock on the road? It's not gonna help you avoid potholes.

btw, you definitely shouldn't resort to drugs to solve your problems. You're much better off going to a therapist, counsellor, etc. I smoke weed recreationally, but I don't spark one up every time I feel bad. It might help once in a while when I have a really bad day and feel like putting a hole through a wall, but for the most part I deal with my problems sober.

Oh and this takes a lot of time and hard work, but you should definitely develop a "I don't give a f**k" attitude when it comes to other people who try to break you down. Be independent, choose freedom over the security of dependence and comfort, and stand up for yourself when someone wants to f**k with you.

Anyways, I wish the best for you and I hope you can overcome it.