Double Dose of Aspergers? Help

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I have aspergers. That obviously presents a number of social struggles for me. Very recently, I started dating someone who also has some of the symptoms of aspergers.

We began as friends from school. We can talk about our major just fine, no problems. We can also talk online without any problems. But when we see each other in person, there seems to be an awkwardness. For example, even as friends, I would get one or two word responses to questions like how are you. Then there would be dead silence. When I try to make small talk, still just short responses. "What do you like to do when you're free?" "I don't know" <commence blank stare and head nodding>.

At first I thought it might be a problem on my end, but then I noticed the same thing when the friend was talking to someone else.

I pointed it out and found out that this was usual for this friend except when intoxicated.

The other person seems comfortable around me, but now that we are dating I need to figure out how to better communicate in spite of the difficult this person has with social skills (and my own problems in that area).

PLEASE RESPOND. BUT ONLY IF YOU HAVE ADVISE. SAYING I UNDERSTAND DOESN'T HELP. HAHA

You could be the Jay to her Silent Bob.

Maybe this won't be helpful, but just thought I'd throw it out there. I find for myself that sometimes I can be kind of like that too. BUT, when get me going on the right topic or get me started I don't stop talking and dominate a conversation. So maybe you just need to find the right thing to talk about (a special interest maybe) and that will be enough to get things going?

Since you both have social difficiulties i would suggest not asking her? vague open ended questions. Aren't we aspies famous for hating small talk? i would suggest playing to your strengths be interesting and intelligent.

AstroGeek, therein lies one of the main problems. I'm digging for topics that are appealing. I've only had one (our college major). We're both very interested in that, but a relationship can't rely only on that to talk about. I try to dig, but I'm not finding anything. Plus there's the awkwardness on the other's part.

KEEP THE SUGGESTIONS COMING

????????

But surely she has some interests outside her major? I mean, I plan on majoring in astrophysics and could talk for hours about that. But I can also talk for hours about Broadway shows, books I've read, vacations I've been on...

On the other hand, what is you're major? Could you talk about something related, but not actually the major itself? If it's science you could talk about any science news. Arts I can't give as much advice about because my knowledge is more limited in that area, but there must be different developments going on in that. Maybe that could work for now.

Also, what does she do in her spare time? Surely she doesn't spend all of her time studying. Could that be used for conversation? Sorry if this is no help--I'm just throwing ideas out there.

Well we talk about the career related to our major (which I don't want to reveal online).

There is only one other interest that I can think of that my date has. I don't really care about it, but I can look into it so I can better understand it.

As for what's done during spare time, I've asked and the only response I've received is "hanging out" or "I don't know." Which doesn't help me at all.


KEEP THE COMMENTS COMING. THANKS EVERYONE

Take a look at where this perception of awkwardness comes from. Has friend done or said anything to suggest she feels this awkwardness? I'm saying it might be just your perception that's the issue. If neither of you can drive a conversation, it's going to be quiet. If you can't accept that, this relationship isn't going to succeed.

I mean, is it really likely that if you pick the right topic, she's going to start talking a mile a minute? Doesn't sound like it from what you've described. If you want the relationship to move forward and she won't talk, you need to accept that. If you feel the relationship needs more talking, you are going to have to provide it - the subject matter is probably not that important. After time, she may get more comfortable with you and open up more. If you think she's worth it, you are going to have to be patient.

I have been diagnosed as having AS, my partner has not (but I have my suspicions, based on how well we get along )

I found early in our relationship that I felt comfortable thinking out loud with him. I've never really worried about whether what I'm saying interests him or not. Mostly I think the subject might not be fascinating for him, but the fact that I'm into it is interesting enough (this works both ways--I'm conversant on NHL hockey, NBA basketball, audio equipment and even cars, but only because my sweetheart's enthusiasm is so infectious). Also, by doing things together (such as camping, kayaking, snowshoeing) we have shared experiences and developed shared interests, which can be the foundation for future conversations or trips, etc.

If your friend isn't one to offer up specific plans beyond 'hanging out', then maybe the two of you should try some pre-arranged spontaneity, such as walking around downtown and having dinner at the first restaurant on the left side that's under $20, or going to the movies and seeing the next movie that's starting. The anticipation can give you something to talk about, and sharing a new experience with someone can make it a little less intimidating. Good luck!

Me and my aspie boyfriend can go for days not talking... he sucks into his video games, and i suck into mine, but we both still love having someone else "there"...

then we can also turn into complete blabbermouths now, here and there...

I think the key is just the time spent together.

we don't need to talk much.... just things like, what should we eat, are you hungry? Are you cold? Wanna watch a movie? etc... things we agree on doing together.

I find when we DO talk too much, it can just stress the hell out of us, because it usually about the problems other people cause us.

So ask yourself.... is conversation that important anyways? Or just the company?

We just love having each other around, even if we don't talk for days.

Me and my aspie boyfriend can go for days not talking... he sucks into his video games, and i suck into mine, but we both still love having someone else "there"...

then we can also turn into complete blabbermouths now, here and there...

I think the key is just the time spent together.

we don't need to talk much.... just things like, what should we eat, are you hungry? Are you cold? Wanna watch a movie? etc... things we agree on doing together.

I find when we DO talk too much, it can just stress the hell out of us, because it usually about the problems other people cause us.

So ask yourself.... is conversation that important anyways? Or just the company?

We just love having each other around, even if we don't talk for days.

Me and my aspie boyfriend can go for days not talking... he sucks into his video games, and i suck into mine, but we both still love having someone else "there"...

then we can also turn into complete blabbermouths now, here and there...

I think the key is just the time spent together.

we don't need to talk much.... just things like, what should we eat, are you hungry? Are you cold? Wanna watch a movie? etc... things we agree on doing together.

I find when we DO talk too much, it can just stress the hell out of us, because it usually about the problems other people cause us.

So ask yourself.... is conversation that important anyways? Or just the company?

We just love having each other around, even if we don't talk for days.

I wish I could take my own advice.... I am starting to feel hella lonley now too....

It's like looking into a mirror.

Ask her interests and whether she can name all the ones she likes to you...then start up a conversation from there.