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My daughter had recently been dxed as possible aspergers and is about to take a series of tests to confrim.

That in itself, no problem, I can deal with it. However, she is 14 and it seems that she is completley obsessed with a group of people and has no love or compassion for us, the loving family. I dont expect her to love us, to a point I can accept her lack of emapthy and compassion for us but its hard when all these people get her consideration and respect. She is vunerable and easy to manipulate, she thinks their muddy ways are ok! It all seems out of control and ugly as we as a family are trying to protect her. My property has been damaged as one of her friends has been in trouble with the police and they thought it was me who called them! She has suffered and attack from someone she has upset as she doesnt mince her words and is upsetting lots of people. The injury is nasty but she still insists on going out, even though people are after her to hurt her. I am playing mum, call her to see if she is ok, go and fetch her, tell her I love her and all I get is abuse, disrespect and crazy treatment. She wastes food, cooks, damages, fiddles around with fire, not to forget the meltdowns which have caused damage to my home. She grabs me around the throat and portrays complete disdain, not necessarily during a major meltdown.

Since learning of the aspergers, I have tried to give her snippets of info and have accepted the meltdowns, not punishing her for those. I have three basic rules that include being in on time, keeping things tidy and quiet after a certain time of the evening. she follows them and then seems to become defiant and goes against them deliberatly and uncaring. Her reward is the computer but she doesnt even seem to care about that, I suppose she will but she has a lot of things to pick up and put right first. Good thing is she knows that and I know she will do it and then turn again.

I have added another rule about swearing and hurting people with loss of computer for 2 hours or so if she continues to behave in that manner.

I just dont know what else to do, she can not lie and always lets me know where she is. She knows I will go and get her so then just demands. Its all so spitefull and nasty but she really does not care at all . I feel that, whilst she is still a child I can do this but I can not spend my life, feeling that my home is not the haven it needs to be, Her behaviour is alien, so against all family morals.

Im devastated and scared that this pattern will follow her into an abusive and unhappy life, where she chooses to be like them rather than keep herself safe.

The other day , I managed to get her to throw her washing downstairs and pick up the paper she had wripped and thrown at me, all for use of the lap top, she was already in meltdown and then I made the terrible mistake of asking her to say please when she said ' IVE DONE IT, GIVE ME THE LAP TOP! The melt down over 'please' was astromnomical! I thought she would stop breathing at one point, she was so traumatised by it! She didnt say please, i managed to say she was right and we would discuss how she speaks to me at another time.

Some one reassure me that she will mature and learn to dispose of these ways please

I am not a doctor but I would strongly recommend family counceling, dx or no. If it is Asperger's, read all you possibly can. I know that I responded very poorly to authority when I was a teen and strong arm measures made my defiance worse. I would take my punishment without blinking an eye because I could easily replace whatever I was being denied with an overly fertile imagination. I actually appreciated the quiet time! The issue of influential friends in the mix cannot be taken lightly.

Stay strong. She'll need your support.

Maturity may come but I think you and her need to get some counseling before any change happens.

I had an acquaintance with similar issues(disobeying parents,being driven home by the police, I could go on). He was an nt and his parents tried everything, from trying to talk some sense into him to grounding him for a month.
Whenever I talked to him he seemed not to care about whatever was happening at his house(I started getting calls at about 2 am asking me if I was up for a walk and so because it was the only time his parents were asleep).

They put him into counseling and at the start it seemed like a joke to him(he invited some people over at his place when he had to leave for the meetings and so). He was forced to go and after the second season he started behabing in a more controlled way, apparently he hated those meetings and the only way he was allowed to avoid them was by showing good behabiour.

It doesnt work the same way for everyone but I think its worth a shot.

Sounds just like my 18 year old daughter. She started having the same problems when she was around 14 or 15. These girls she was hanging around with were shoplifting and even stealing her clothes but she thought they were her "friends" so she defended them. They were using her. She also had an incident where her mouth almost got her beat up but I removed her from school before it happened.
I agree with getting your daughter counseling ASAP. Sometimes other people (not parents or family) are better at making headway with teenagers. I wish I would have gotten my daughter into counseling at that time because she has very serious problems now that included her injuring herself last year and ending up in the hospital. She is now living with my parents because I moved to France (part of the reason she flipped out but she did not want to go with us). I wont go into all the problems that she has but I believe she also has mental illness as well as her Asperger's. She is now back to being easily led by the wrong type of people. She is nearly 19 but can not take care of herself and thinks more like a 12 or 13 year old. Its hard once they are adults because if they dont want the help, by law, you cant force them. I had her set up for SSI when, after fighting for a year, she told her psychiatrist that she did not want it and it was for losers who suck off the government so he could not recommend her for it because of her age. Very frustrating and very stressful for us and for my poor parents who are feeling the brunt of all this now.

sorry didnt mean to double post...silly internet!

Sheas councilling but has refused to go of late. We have a meeting on Monday with the phsychiatrist again, I only hope I can get her to come with me. If we could convince of the rigid thinking and how it is affecting her, I think we may get somewhere. I am doing everything I can to get her to see sence and even considered movong away but then she will find a way to bring trouble to the door again, possibly. Its like she is on self distruct and will not budge, she is so stubborn. I suppose I can only hope that in time she will see sence but right now wh is lost in this web and has said that she will fight back next time and not allow herself to be hurt. Its such a scary time for us all and the love for her goes without question. She has such a lovely side to her that seems to have gone and I am hoping it will return and win the fight. We are a good, well educated family, with lots of patience. I have even considered giving up my job so that I can monitor more closely. I feel like I have a 5FT 6 toddler who is going through the terrible twos.

Thank you for your messages, I have processed a little more. I will jopin you in France lol. I have two older daughters who support me in our plight to love and protect her. This is all so negative and damming

She is AS but she is also a teen girl.

Don't think she doesn't care - that is an act. Girls her age are actually extremely vulnerable so they gloss it over with attitude. That isn't real; don't respond to it as if it is. It's also natural for girls her age to rebel strongly against mom - that is part of establishing their own identity, and actually a normal and necessary phase. Doesn't mean you have to accept it, but be careful not to overact to it or let it get to you.

Her need for rigid thinking, however, IS real and you aren't going to "convince" her to change it. That is part and parcel of her AS and she has to be TAUGHT how to move out of it; it's not a choice she makes, but an integral part of who she is. She isn't stubborn, most likely, as much as honestly completely incapable of seeing the situation or issue from a different viewpoint. Hence, what is asked of her makes no sense to her, and if it makes no sense to her she has no starting point from which to comply. This is something you have to work through with patience.

I know my rigidness came not from an inability to see other points of view but from seeing too many. I form my opinions based on everything I can possibly learn. If someone tries telling me my thinking is wrong or needs changing, they are in for a fight. They better come armed with the entire debate squad and annotated references.

Just another side of 'rigid' to consider...

wow, I understand where you are at right now but your daughters behavior is maybe up a couple of steps from my own towards the bad end. My 13 year old had a group of friends that were getting in trouble and while she didn't agree with what they were doing (drinking, smoking, damaging property, having sex) she will defend them to the end of time. I have found that we have slowly whittled away the time she is allowed to spend with them. She is still fairly compliant with what we say, only arguing, threatening, and having meltdowns, but she won't actively defy our rules. It has been problematic because these were the only friends she had for some time and the only kids that accept her for who she is without trying to "help" her or "change" her. They don't actually know there is clinically something different about her other than she is "odd". LOL, I think it's because they are so messed up themselves they can't see beyond themselves. Anyway, she has slowly met a few other kids and seems to be veering away from the bad kids, with the exception of the best friend who she is seeing very, very little. My husband says I am a sucker for even allowing that relationship occasionally but I think if I completely try to shut that off she will start to sneak or scheme to spend time with the kid and I'd rather have some control than no control. It has been very rough around here to. We are very patient with her and try to be supportive but it seems like she completely runs the household with her constant demands. I had a crying jag last week and when the phone rang and I answered it it was the local autism center checking to see if I still wanted to be on the waiting list which is 6 months long, and I completely broke down on the phone. The lady asked is there anything I can do to help you, and ashamedly I blurted out "yes, put a bullet in my head". Fortunately I was crying so hard she didn't understand me. Definitely not one of my shining moments. Anyway, I have said this in previous posts OP, you and I are in very similar places right now, and it is so, so hard. I am gonna tell you what everyone keeps telling me (except my husband) Just keep doing what you are doing. Keep taking it day by day and making the most you can of each day. Somedays with her are great. Some days are not bearable at all. But that's it. It's what we got..... I have trouble with my daughters pleases and thank yous too. She says them occasionally. I remind her everytime. I figure that's the best it's gonna get with her. This is a concept we have worked on for all 13 years of her life and everyone else in the family says it unfailingly so I know it's not my methodology. She just doesn't have the need to say it or the desire to say something she finds a "meaningless word". When my husband tries to guilt her and say things about how she does't care and she wants to be rude, I think it hurts her feelings. I think she does care and she really doesn't want to be rude, but she just can't seem to see that saying please is a piece of the puzzle. While it bothers me, and she will face criticism for it as an adult, I still feel like there are bigger more important pieces of the puzzle she's got to see and being a rude adult is going to be okay as long as she can be a functioning one. I might be all washed up in my opinion and way off base, but I like you, am learning too and just going off instinct. I feel deep down in my heart that my daughter is good. She didn't chose this, and she doesn't always chose the behaviors that are problematic and I have come to see how much we take for granted when it comes to dealing with people and society. This is an eye opening experience, give yourself credit for how hard you try. That's something, even if it doesn't seem to have any outcome yet, at least you're (we're) trying.....

While I agree she needs counselling it needs to be with someone who she can establish a repour with and the vast majority of people are not great at counselling teens. They need someone who does know the names of the bands they listen to, who is going to wear jeans and a t-shirt, etc. Youth workers may be a good place to start. Start by searching out local youth services, as opposed to standard medical pscyhiatrists, psychologists and the like.

She does care, but she is being a teenager and pretending you don't matter is more important than anything else. being cool and fitting in is all that matters, but at the same time they do want their parents, and they need to know that you will still be there for them. teenagers are a bit like grown up toddlers, but instead of being able to go into another room and throw a fist full of toys, they can cause real damage. Instead of wanting independence by going to another room or saying "me do', they are going out with people who are not the best influences. The only thing you can do is to stick by her. Set limits, but don't get angry with her. Anger fuels her rage. If she wants to act in a certain way she has to do it outside the house. If she doens't put her clothes out to be washed, they are not washed, do not hound her, just use logical consequences. It is uncool to be seen in dirty clothes, so she either puts them out or goes without. If she starts yelling and screaming and the like, walk away, but do not give in. It is her bedroom and she needs to take responsibility for it, including changing the sheets, etc, etc. If she is not home for meals she does not get fed, etc. If she wants you to drive her someone, then she has to earn that, by doing something. The main thing is to simply do all you can to maintain your cool, if you get angry, if you hound her, etc you are given her what she wants which is to control you and annoy you. She can see you are annoyed. Hence you need to try to keep your feelings about her out of her sight if that makes sense.

In terms of helping her directly though you need youth specific services and all areas have them. Do not expect the average psychologist or psychiatrist to be able to work with teenagers, they are a totally different species of people!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

Thank you all of you.

Bittersweet, I really appreciate your insight into this and I agree with you on your overall take on how you are seeing each day through with your daughter. I consider myself lucky that I do not have a partner to cloud my mission. It is difficult for my elder daughters but they are very receptive and intelligent girls who are taking things on board and understanding why I let certain things go. Priority is her learning about the aspergers and her deciding that these people cause her alot of stress. I want her to learn to keep her self safe from negativity so that she can grow.

Its a minefield and I think Im doing ok. Things have turned a little and she is much more easy this morning after a major meltdown yesterday. I took her phone in the end as I can not deal with the on-going verbal abuse, its vile behaviour. I am focussing on teaching her but she is so fleeting in discussion. SHe talks and talks about her boyfriend and her difficulties and then I have to grab little moments of snippets in.

Love isnt the issue, it hurts that she has broken something precious of her sisters during a meltdown, it wasnt intentional, she just thew a bag across the room and didnt stop to think that this precious and expensive item was inside. It wasnt deliberate, it was meltdown. I cant punish for that. Instead, I got her to remove the mess she made, throwing food out of the window and having all the plates in her room etc and to pick up her rubbish/ tp stop swearing and tellin me how I am not her mum etc. and then I returned the phone. She came back last night quiet and subdued but almost pleasent and has woken up the same way and is not deliberatly abusing me. Hense why we are on a new tack and she has access to the computer today.

There are so many complications with the reason the boy is on bail, I suspect, he is either a very disturbed young man or he too may be Aspergers, he certainly has all the charactoristics including poor eyecontact and shyness, he hates his family, acts inappropriatly and is clueless to everyones pain and hurt apart from his own and my daughters.

Goodness knows where this will end and how but I can not and will not try to over control my youngster. I can only attempt to control the things that are preventing us from being a happy family. Right now we are not and the on-going game of poker is killing me. The professionals say Ive got it more than most, they look on in amazement and say she couldnt be with a better family or mum who is so able to understand the impairment in her communication but hey, this is killing me. Its all too intense day in day out minute in minute out! Thinking of you Bitter and hope you too will have harmony as we all deserve x x x