Aspergers is just an excuse...

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At least it's turning out to be that way for me. I'm beginning to doubt my certainty that I have it. I know I don't think right, but I'm afraid that I'm just using this to justify why I can't get anyone to like me or I can be such an idiot when it comes to people. Maybe I'm just a social reject.
I used to think, when reading the descriptions and criteria, "Oh crap, this is me this is me this is me" over and over, I was shocked that it was so accurate it describing me.
But I don't know. Since a diagnosis isn't possible, I became obsessed with Aspergers and finding all the info I can about it, which is how I found this site. I also went to youtube and found videos of people with aspergers talking, and it's those that make me doubt myself. I don't talk like them! I happen to be pretty good with words even if I end up mumbling or talking too loud sometimes. I'm good at reporting on a topic for school, I know I'm good with words because my english teacher says my essays are excellent. I don't speak with an unusual intonation and the only reason I'm monotone sometimes is because I'm depressed or don't care or am pissed.
I'm not smart like them! I have a few unusual interests that aren't THAT weird and I don't know everything, I just know enough that people seem to think I'm really smart. I can talk for a long time but I don't think I can stick to one topic. I'm a spontaneous speaker.
Idk anymore. I'm not shy, but I'm awkward. But a lot of people are awkward. I'm horrible in social situations but I'm kind of friendly and welcoming. I can't get along with people but that can be chalked up to a bad personality. Idk. I can't let this be an excuse for me to act out or retreat further into my books and games. I can't hold on to the idea that I might have aspergers if I can't do anything about it. If I do then it's not possible for me to get a dx any time soon. If I don't then f**k, what am I? I want to be alone so that it doesn't matter whether or not I have it. I don't know if I care anymore. I don't know anything. Honestly, the only thing I do know is that I've made a mess of myself and I want to die.

Did you like, take my brain and write this post?
This almost sounds like exactly how I am. However, I am not as distressed by my situation. Possibly because I've been trying not to think of it too much. But now that I am thinking of it, I can totally relate.
The one question I honestly cannot answer for this is "Who am I?" Because Asperger's or any other condition may be a part of who someone is, but does not necessarily define them. Because it's just a PART of them.
Anyone autistic will always be autistic, but they can and often do grow out of most of their symptoms to the point where they don't meet the diagnostic criteria anymore. Being autistic just means being different and not less (quoting Temple Grandin here), that your brain is wired differently from others and that let's you see the world in a more intriguing way.

Thanks I know that aspergers does not define me, but sometimes it seems to even though I don't meet all of the criteria. Maybe part of it is because of all the adjustments that I've had to make with my mannerisms and personality (so far haven't found a version that can get along with people -_-)

You may have just learned to cope with a lot of typical social issues and you didn't even realize it .

@bucephalus and TheMidnightJudge: Thank you! Those answers really helped me

im starting to think asperger's is just an excuse too.

I feel that way too at times and it rubs me the wrong way when people say it's an excuse. To me they are saying they don't have to work at it to get better and everything evolves around them. I hate those people who do it.

Aspergers is part of the reason I let myself get left behind. I got depressed. I'm still depressed and more or less really tired of the world. If thing don't get better I really will end it. And yes, I know things won't just get better, I have to make them better, etc. But it's a struggle and it's BS if I keep thinking that having Aspergers doesn't matter, of course it does, it makes me who I am. But whenever I got hurt or depressed I always blamed Aspergers - "If I weren't like this I'd know what to do" etc. I know it's not an excuse, but it does change so many things for me. It's a reason, if anything. I can't blame it, but it still explains a lot of how I am and why I do things. So of course I start blaming it, though I know it's not entirely Aspergers that makes me what I am.

I've gone a long time being told that I have to change. You can't do that, you need to learn this, the world doesn't revolve around you so stop talking... I've heaped so much guilt and self loathing on myself and have led a miserable life because I was just a defective human being who couldn't get anything right.

Took me over 40 years to realize, I don't have to hate myself. I deserve some slack, I deserve some understanding. There are things about myself I may never be able to change and it's not my 'fault'. I'm not just stubborn or arrogant or willful. I have Asperger's. My difference are not a choice, they are hardwired.

Does that give me an excuse? My family thinks I use it as one. Pushed to the point of meltdown, sobbing uncontrollably - instead of calling me names and telling me to stop being so dramatic they just tell me 'oh, I guess this is the Asperger's thing... isn't THAT convenient.' I'm sure there are people who use their AS as an excuse to get away with things but, from my perspective, it doesn't help me 'get away' with anything. It's reason I act the way I do. And even that's not good enough.

Okay, it's kind of understandable if aspies like you and me say stuff like that - "It's because of the aspergers" etc - I mean, it might not be right but it's understandable since we all more or less feel like s**t and would like to think that it's not entirely because of how crappy a person we are. But when your family starts using it as a convenient explanation for EVERYTHING? Wow, if my family knew and did the same things, I'd just lose it >__<

But thank you, it gives me some hope that even if it took you a long time, you still got to that other side where you can say, "I am who I am" without wishing you weren't.

I think some of these issues that I and other people have aren't entirely as a result of having aspergers. Instead they are issues that all kinds of people face, but are further compounded by having aspergers. Like me and an nt person could be having the same insecurity issues but nt girl doesn't retreat to far into herself that she literally can't see or hear what's right in front of her, nt girl wouldn't freeze up, smile in the wrong places, or mumble while making broad hand gestures and nt girl would probably look at the person's eyes and face too.

I hate it when people tell me that. There's one girl at my clubhouse who's like that. She also tells me to stop crying 10 times in a row, when I'm having one of my meltdowns.

How can it be an excuse when it's really the cause? At least it is for me. No matter what I do, it seems to pull -- no, YANK -- me back down.