Explaining autism to friends?

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Hello everybody,

I just found this site while I was looking on the internet for advise about my problems with autism. My first language isn't english, so I hope everyone can forgive my faults in spelling and gramar

I've learned very well to disguise my autisme, and few people around me know about it. However, sometimes it's hard for me to pretend everything's ok. I don't trust a lot of people, at the moment there is only one friend I really trust. I feel like I can talk to her about everything, and she always seems to know how I feel, although she doesn't understand why I'm feeling that way.

Over the last few months I've been feeling depressed, and I really need a friend to be there for me. I've tried to ask help from my friend, but nobody seems to understand me. Because I seem to be coping really well in life, people don't understand how hard it really is for me.
Now even the only person that I really trust let me down. She clearly doesn't understand me and I feel really dissapointed in her. I really needed her to help me, but she tells me to get over it and move on. She doesn't seem to understand how depressed I am and how difficult it is for me.

Sometimes I wish I never had learned to adapt myself to the rest of the world. I really can't have any more people telling me to stop complaining and just move on, I just need someone to show me they care about me.

How can I explain to my friends what it means to be autistic? How can I make it clear to them that it's very difficult to adapt myself every single day again? Does anybody recognise this problem?

Love,

Nathalie

That's the reason that I mainly keep to myself. I only have a couple friends that I talk to who understand me. Other than that, i keep to myself.

Don't tell them.

Why not? Shouldn't I tell people I trust, so they can understand me better?

I theory it would be nice to be able to share just how hard things can be for people on the autism spectrum. I have not met anyone who is actually interested, basically because they don't understand or have no concept. When I have tried to give someone insight into my life the usual response is 'Oh' and not much else. So I don't bother, I keep to myself at least my kids and I have an understanding of each others issues.

Not much help, but my sugestion would be to look for an adult group for ASD so you can share some of your difficulties.

I understand... but I really need her to be there for me. I'm not really satisfied with the answers so far. There should be a way... I can adapt to NT's, why can't they for once adapt to me? Or at least try to understand and respect?

I don't want to talk to people I don't know, I don't like the kind of groups for ASD that are here, perhaps because I'm afraid and don't trust others. I just need my friend right now.

If someone doesn't get me, explainng AS to them rarely helps because most people don't even remember thee details. And also, it can really feel like excuse-giving. But mostly, if someon is already not on the best terms with you anymore, telling them about your disorder doeesn't make things better. We think, "if only I would explain..." but the truth is it doesn't usually pay off. People almost always close off when I tell them more about AS than it is a high-functioning form of autism.

And it isn't necesarily because they are jerks, but we're wired differently. You're going to do whatever you think is best, but don't be surprised if when you open up about it, nothing changes.

So you feel disappointed in her.. she has understood your feelings in the past but does not continue to validate the same feelings of depression.

I'm sure she understands that you are depressed and that things are difficult. I'm not sure how you'd quantify 'how' difficult you are or 'how' depressed you are. I'm sure she sees that if you keep telling her over and over. The problem with other people is, they can't fix you if you don't fix you. So her telling you to get over it is her trying to give you some advice to help yourself.

So you need her very badly. Is there anything she needs from you that you might not be providing in return? Maybe try listening to her points of view for awhile and see how that feels.

Thanks for your post eudaimonia! I always try to listen to her and help her out wherever I can, though that's mostly practically (doing stuff for her, helping her)

Maybe the problem is I didn't really ask her for help, and I don't feel like I can. I'm not sure how she thinks of me, the situation is a bit complicated.

She used to be my music teacher, but for me she became a very good friend over the last years. But I'm not sure if she thinks of me thesame way, maybe I'm only 'just another student'.
On the other hand, she sometimes acts like a friend. I'm not her student anymore, but I still see her everyday at my university, and we often hang out together there. I've been to her place a few times to babysit, but other than that I don't see her outside the university. But for me this is the ideal way to have a friendship, because I find it very difficult to get together outside work/university, especially having friends over at my place is a nightmare to me.

Maybe she's also not sure wheter to act like a teacher or a friend. To me she's a friend, and I try to make it clear to her that she's important for me. I just feel a bit stupid about it, but it's so complicated...

Hoping to get advice here....

It depends on who the person is.

If the person is educated, do tell them.

If not, it's not worth it. Some people do not know what autism is or know very little about it. Those people never understood the significance of what I was telling them.

Thanks for all your reactions, I just have another question.
How do I figure out if she sees me as a friend at all? Maybe she doesn't even care about me at all, then it wouldn't be worth the effort explaining her I think. Any tips?

I think you'd have to invite her to do some things that were outside of your university environment.

Thanks Louise18, perhaps I should do that... I'll think about it for a while...

Nathalie, I have in the past valued other people's friendship more than they valued mine. There's almost always a disparity between how people see each other. But if you're uncertain as to whether she considers you a friend at all, then that's cause for some careful evaluation.

For me, the very basic minimal requirement for friendship is that the person can and will hang out with you one on one outside of work. If they're not someone that is willing to spend time with you, then they probably use the word "friend" loosely when describing you.

Regardless though, if you tell them that you are depressed and feeling terrible about yourself and they did not show concern, then, friend or not, they probably don't care about your feelings.

In a moment of need, you might think that you would rather have a bad friend than no friends at all. But sometimes the wrong people can make us feel even worse than we would if we were alone, so that's something to consider.

I have spend time with before, but just once or twice. Once she invited me to diner in the city (she had little time to eat diner because of another job that night, so she invited me to come with her to a nearby restaurant), but I'm not sure if that's because she didn't want to go alone, or because she likes spending time with me.

She did show concern about me feeling bad, but she just doesn't really understand it because everything seems to go quite well in my life. I'm not sure how I can explain to her what my (autism-related) problems are.

I do think she cares about me, and she wants to be friends, but perhaps she isn't sure how to act and what to expect either. I'm a bit caught between acting as a friend or a pupil, because she used to be my teacher not so long ago. I suspect she feels thesame way and doesn't really know it either. I had one on one lessons from her, because of that the line between teacher and pupil isn't as strict as with other teachers (both ways).

I really don't know what to do, should I subtle try to make it clear to her I see her as a friend? I just don't want to do something inappropriate, if I'm just a student for her then she might think it's weird... She's the only one I really trust, I don't want to loose her....

Why don't people come with manuals?