One component of social skills?

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Maybe I'm just stating the obvious.

I was on a bus today, one that runs only on Sundays, going to a natural area just outside of town. Someone I know from a group I'm part of got on and sat down next to me, so I did the obligatory conversation thing to the best of my ability. About 3/4 of the way there he excused himself to talk to some 'regulars' on the bus. I was relieved but curious so I listened to their conversation to see what was different.

He initially talked about a lot of the same stuff to the woman that he did to me and her answer was in the ballpark as mine - but she responded to the comments about bus route changes in a very emotionally-present way, while I just trying to feed back a correct and as-interesting-as-possible response.

My conclusion upon observing the nonverbal components of their conversation for a few minutes (which I do get unless it's subtle) was: The conversation wasn't even about the words. Maybe 20%. It seemed to be all about the emotional exchange. Don't particularly want to emulate it but was interesting.

Okay, a new insight? Or just duh?

Yeah that's definitely what a lot of 'small talk' is about -- it's about connecting between people. Knowing that makes it easier for me to want to try harder to manage it when people try to make it... but I'm still horrible at it.

I have read that this is true, but this is something that I can't detect at all.

Small talk is merely a verification of current emotional state. It's not to be necessarily informative, or even correct. Small talk is basically a way people verify that they fit-in with each other, ie,. they share the same opinions on things, and feel the same way about politics, entertainment, hobbies, etc. As such agreement is more important than the factual content of the conversation (gossip, soap operas, pop stars).

Most conversations among people are retelling of the same old things over and over again, with relatively exaggerated expressions of emotions, and a little cursing in between. agreement keeps a conversation going, and opinions are to be expressed, but not attempt to influence or change the person spoke to.

I can relate to this. I too am able to compare the differences in the way that I communicate at work to the way that others do. I am quite enthusiastic in the things that I talk about (because I generally talk very little otherwise) and it is this level of enthusiasm that seems to put people off talking to me. Like you said (although the other way around) it is having the appropriate level of enthusiasm and engagement that I have gauged to be most important in smalltalk.